PIL appeared in the garden and started putting up lights

[JellyCatOnAHotTinRoof]

I wouldn’t have been at home but DS and I are ill. They would have known someone was in as my car is in the drive and lights are on but they didn’t knock or come in. I went to the driveway and called out for them when I saw their car but they were already round the back. I thought they’d come round to say hi, but they just stayed in the garden, so I went round to them. MIL said hello, but didn’t say what she was doing, so I asked what was going on. MIL said they’d promised 7yo DD lights for our garden 3 years ago and so now they’re doing it. FIL did seem a bit sheepish, but MIL just told me I looked shocked.

I don’t mind them putting lights up. I mind them not asking, even saying we’d love to put some lights up for DD, I would have said yes, thank you. It feels controlling. Obviously this comes with a history of incidents where I’m left feeling undermined or manipulated. I’d like to talk to them about just asking first. I think MIL didn’t want to ask in case we said no. I have tried to imagine how I’d feel if my parents had done this, but it’s hard to imagine as I know they wouldn’t just start doing things around my house without asking. I think I’d feel just the same though.

I messaged DH to ask if he knew and instead of replying to me, instantly went to the group chat with the four of us and told them to stop putting up lights. This isn’t really the way I’d have handled it, but I suppose I can’t complain because I told him what was going on and made it clear I was unhappy.

I once came home from holidays to find all my planters and window boxes were gone. Reported it in the local station, not in the hope of getting them back, but just so it was on a record. PILs had come round and taken them away to plant them for the Spring. Okay, so it was a nice thing for them to do, but at the same time don’t let yourself into my garden and load my stuff into your car!

Why did it need to be a surprise for OP and her DH though? Even though it would be a nice thing for OP's DC, it would still be a nice thing if they informed OP and her DH before putting up the lights. OP and her DH wouldn't have said no, but just barging in and doing it while OP is obviously at home is pretty poor behaviour.

It would still have been a lovely surprise for the children if they had checked with OP and her DH first. They wouldn't have said no and the magic of Christmas would still be captured.

There is something really passive-aggressive about OP's PIL's behaviour. It sounds as though this gift for the grandchildren had a dual purpose of pleasing the kids and pissing OP off. I can think of no other reason why they didn't just knock the door and tell OP what they intended to do when it was clear that she was at home.

How on earth can you jump to the conclusion that it's OP who is the tricky character here rather than her PILs?

You seem to enjoy taking a contrary position as demonstrated on the thread about the OP's MIL's poorly dog.

What horrible task are they saving OP from? They could ask her if it would be OK to put the lights up in her back garden for the children and she would have said 'yes, that would be lovely, the kids will love it'. It's not the lights she objects to, but the high-handed and overbearing behaviour.

Some people don't like outdoor Christmas lights. They can look tacky and I would definitely want a certain colour scheme.

Anyway, it's obvious that it's not the lights OP is objecting to but the lack of common courtesy demonstrated by her pushy in-laws who didn't even knock the door and give her a heads up when they could see that she was at home.

Your PIL are being weird. Yes it’s quite a nice thing to do but (a) very strange not to ask first and (b) why have they waited 3 years? Bizarre to suddenly just launch in like that.

Are they going to pay for the extra electricity used?

I’ve been wondering where the power source is, sorry if I have missed this.

Surely, if it’s a mains supply then you just turn off that switch: but how did they connect it?. If it’s batteries, which I doubt, then the batteries will just run out.

You could of course just have the lights quietly disappear but that would be possibly too antagonistic.

My suggestion is that you contact the PILs and say something along the lines of “we understand that you meant well by putting the lights up but we would’ve appreciated it if you had checked with us first. Could you do that in future? In return, we promise not to come into your house or garden and do things there without checking with you first.”

If you’re meeting together over Christmas, it will be interesting to see how that goes.

They should have said something to you and/or your husband before just turning up with the lights - it could still have been a surprise for your daughter that way. Alternatively it would have given you the chance to say no, and again that could have been kept from your daughter to avoid upsetting her (if the conversation was three years ago, I wouldn't be surprised to hear she's forgotten about it by now!)

My FIL did this too, and I thought it was great. I just told him he had to be the one to take them down after!

We do live next door to each other, and have a large open garden though. I would feel weird about it if he travelled to do it, let himself in and didn't announce himself.

He often cuts our grass without asking too - which grated me at first because of privacy / boundaries, but I don't want to be the one doing it so I let it go.

Sounds like they were trying to give your DD a nice surprise. The tone you used in private email to DH must have made him think you were angry and wanted them taking down again. If you had said 'never guess what your parents are in garden putting up Xmas lights' he'd probably have thought oh great one less job for me to do.

If it was your parents doing the surprise lights would your attitude been the same?

It sounds a nice thing to do for your DC. Not worth a drama.

She speaks to you so badly! Who does she think she is?
good on your dh for dealing with them. I love that spoke to them directly and took your side!

Nice for the kids but so damn rude to the op? So that makes it all ok?

Did you read all of the OP? I have considered this and as it says in the OP:

”I have tried to imagine how I’d feel if my parents had done this, but it’s hard to imagine as I know they wouldn’t just start doing things around my house without asking. I think I’d feel just the same though.”

I can’t tell you more than that. My parents don’t do this sort of thing, so I don’t know for sure.

They’re battery lights.

Yes I always assume an op actually wants various opinions which is why they are posting in AIBU. So yes, if I can see two sides, I do tend to suggest it.

And the reason I suggested it is that sometimes if you know someone always says no, you give up even asking. In this instance the PILS would be outside their rights to do so, as it is the OP's property, but that doesn't preclude the possibility they predicted from precedent she would and just decided let's not even ask.

It's a perspective the op might find useful to consider. She did consider it and responded that, no she thinks it is in fact the opposite, she tends to be too soft. So, that's fine. She didn't seem to struggle at all with the task of considering, analysing and moving on. She didn't say "no-one is allowed to so much as suggest anything other than what I have concluded" - and full credit because actually some ops basically do do that.

I always find it a bit tedious when threads based on one side of a story simply become yes men when other possibilities and perspectives are evident; it's a discussion forum not a whinge fest.

Sometimes there isn't another take, but in this instance I felt there potentially was. So I posted to that effect.

I’d be chuffed if someone put my lights up even if it was my in-laws 😂

They're not her lights, though. She didn't get to choose what they looked like. They're someone else's lights in her garden.

I would be absolutely delighted, why are you being mean?

If they were lights to my taste I'd have thought, oh what a kind and generous lovely surprise; they've saved me a job. If they were tasteless inflatable santas filling the lawn and cold blue or cold white lights all over the trees I'd have thought interfering, annoying numpties. Depends how pretty the lights are...

I wouldn't be delighted at all. I wouldn't want any lights outside my house. If I did, I'd choose and put them up myself. Nothing wrong with lights if that is your thing (though yes, please stop with the awful blue flashing ones) but surely any normal person would want to choose a) whether or not to have lights at all and b) what they'd look like.

It's like, suppose you always have a fake reusable Christmas tree. Nothing wrong with that. Very sensible, reusable, doesn't make a mess. But your in-laws come round and install a 6 foot high real tree that is going to drop needles all over inside and require water topping up and disposal etc. You didn't want that. You have the tree you want already in the loft - or maybe you weren't going to bother this year at all. They didn't ask. They're just doing what they like without considering if it works for you.

Normal people would ask if you'd like them to bring you a Christmas tree. Maybe you'd say no we don't need one, maybe you'd say actually that would be lovely and thanks so much. It's not normal to go and decorate someone else's house for Christmas without asking them first if it's OK to do that.