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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeping cancer diagnosis secret from children

128 replies

CompromisedConnie · 10/12/2025 18:02

DP was diagnosed with a life limiting but not life threatening cancer (CLL) 12 months ago. He doesn’t want me to tell the children as you wouldn’t know to look at him. Children are 9 &16. He is young and it’s been awful for us. I support him and we have come through the worst of it. Prognosis is good.

However…

I cannot talk to anyone about this as he doesn’t want children finding out. I support him but there is no one to support me. I’m not being honest with my children or family and it’s really upsetting me. We argue about it which is putting strain on our relationship.

Would I be unreasonable if I told the children and went against his wishes?

OP posts:

Daisymay8 · 10/12/2025 18:03

Can Daddy be ill without mentioning the C word?

Bruisername · 10/12/2025 18:05

That’s tough.

why doesn’t he want to tell the kids? Do you think it’s fair to tell the kids to ease your feelings if it’s going to be devastating for them?

might it be worth exploring this with your DH and a third party like a therapist?

snoopythebeagle · 10/12/2025 18:06

Please don't hide it from your children. They'll find out eventually.

ItsDarkNow · 10/12/2025 18:11

Tell them. You have to. Speaking from experience here.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 10/12/2025 18:14

It’s really important to tell them. But I don’t think you can do that without his agreement. Do you think he will come to that conclusion by himself? It may just be an instinctive thing he’s saying now as a response to the news.

AwfullyGood · 10/12/2025 18:17

I understand the 9 year old but it's really unfair on the 16 year old, who will in time, ultimately resent the fact they weren't told and considered too young.

Meteorite87 · 10/12/2025 18:18

Would your DH reconsider the decision to tell your 16 year old?

My Mum developed secondary cancer in my teens. Later on. I was told she had cancer, but not that it was terminal (her decision). She died in her early 50's when I was 16. The shock led to an abnormal grieving process and affected my mental health for years.

There is no easy way to lose a parent. Having some idea that it will happen in the future might allow for some emotional preparation.

Notmymarmosets · 10/12/2025 18:18

No you can't tell them obviously if he doesn't want to. He could live for decades in excellent health. It's his information and his choice.

verycloakanddaggers · 10/12/2025 18:20

That's really difficult.

Can you see a therapist?

AnnaMagnani · 10/12/2025 18:22

Generally speaking the advice is to tell children, not least because they invariably end up finding out any way.

What sort of treatment is he having? If he needs lots of hospital appointments and is ill a lot, children are not stupid and rapidly realise the other dads aren't always at the hospital.

On the other hand if he is having no treatment currently and feels well, I can see why you would put it off.

However telling them dad has a form of blood cancer but he can live with it gets it out in the open and with CLL it will just be a chronic condition dad has instead of a giant secret bogeyman.

Iloveeverycat · 10/12/2025 18:22

Daisymay8 · 10/12/2025 18:03

Can Daddy be ill without mentioning the C word?

This. I had breast cancer. I just told them I had a lump that had to be removed didn't need to say the word cancer. I didn't need chemotherapy otherwise I would have told them. My close family knew though but just not the children.

PumpkinPie2016 · 10/12/2025 18:23

From experience- please don't hide it from your children. They will find out/work it out for themselves and that will be worse.

My uncle had cancer (life threatening) when I was 11. We were incredibly close to my Uncle and Auntie. My parents tried to hide it and pass it off as a 'bad leg' (he had fluid retention in one) but I was an intelligent child and worked it out very quickly.
I struggled on for weeks on end dealing with it myself as I felt unable to tell anyone I knew (suppose I worried they would be angry I knew).

It was awful and I found it very difficult to trust them after that. Even once they knew, I never felt I could trust that they were being honest about things.

So, I would tell the children- macmillan can help here if you are struggling to find the words.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 10/12/2025 18:23

Please don't, my Aunt and Uncle did this with their 16,18 and 20 year olds about my uncles diagnosis, they then had no choice but to tell them when he became very sick and the older 2 were very upset at the lie but did get past it but the 16 year old was utterly devastated, felt absolutely betrayed and is now 22, Dear Uncle passed last year and honestly the relationship never truly recovered with either Aunt or Uncle. He is close with his brothers but it has taken a lot of understanding on both sides.

But you need to tell them together, you need to be a united front and you cannot go behind his back.

JustBeach · 10/12/2025 18:23

I had a similar experience as a 16 year old, and from that I would strong consider being open with you eldest at least. The shock from my loss is still impacting me today , and I think knowing what was on the horizon would have let me better prepare. I’ll never get over the shock, I genuinely didn’t see it coming. I don’t know what is best for a 9 year old, maybe get some professional advice?

SoManyDandelions · 10/12/2025 18:24

I agree that the DC need to know - but you need to tell them together.

My parents often 'hid' things from me as they didn't want me to worry. If anything, this has made me more anxious as I never really trust that they are being honest with me.

Get advice from people who know how to deliver and manage this sort of news. There will be charities etc. who will be able to help you navigate this news with your DC.

Minnie798 · 10/12/2025 18:25

Yes it would be unreasonable to tell the children when dp has explicitly said he doesn't want them to know. If the situation was reversed and dp ignored your wishes about your health, you'd feel a whole host of emotions about it - none of them good. Would counselling be an option for you ?

Zanatdy · 10/12/2025 18:28

I think not telling them is a bad decision. They are old enough to cope with it, especially if prognosis is good.

gallopingissuchfun · 10/12/2025 18:29

I think alot of the current thinking is that it is better to be honest. Can you discuss it with him and point him in the direction of links like this? I know he’s come through it but it may have some useful information https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/dying-with-cancer/coping-with-the-news/supporting-children/what-to-tell-children

What to tell children when someone is dying

Children find the death of a very close relative very hard. Knowing how to help and support your children before you die can help them cope afterwards.

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/dying-with-cancer/coping-with-the-news/supporting-children/what-to-tell-children

Silverbirchleaf · 10/12/2025 18:30

You need to tell them something. They will be aware that dp is going to hospital for tests and appointments (and treatment?) and aware of furtive conversations between you, the arguments etc. It could be do thing as simple as ‘dp has had a few worrying symptoms and is getting them tested to be on the safe side…’

The cancer websites may have advice on what to say to children.

Laffydaffy · 10/12/2025 18:31

This sounds so hard, OP.

Can I ask what you mean by life-limiting? Given that his prognosis is now good, I mean. Does it mean 5 years or 20 years, or is that difficult to say? I ask because this would influence my final decision.

Also, it must be so stressful, trying to balance your DH's health and care, his need for privacy and attempting to also have a as normal as possible family life. No wonder you are feeling how you are. Are you able to have a break over christmas?

For reference, my teen DC is currently being assessed for a life-limiting illness (neuro), which has dragged on for nearly a year, and honestly, although we have adapted well as a family, our average stress levels stay significantly higher all the time. I imagine it would be worse if we had tried to hide it from our other teen DD.

All the very best to you and your husband, OP. Much strength to you all.

Hankunamatata · 10/12/2025 18:31

Go and speak to someone (counsellor) so you can begin to process diagnosis yourself.

Mhvybffbdcrvtvd · 10/12/2025 18:32

I think you need to respect your DHs wishes.

If he’s not visibly unwell and he isn’t likely to die soon (which it sounds like by your post) I don’t see the point in causing worry right now. At 16 your eldest is no doubt facing exams or future work decisions. It’s a difficult age to be, I wouldn’t throw cancer into the mix right now if your DH could potentially have years left living normally. It would be different if he was going to become unwell quickly.

If you need someone to talk to I think you should try therapy. It would be very unfair to spill your husbands secret to people he knows who could tell the children just to unburden yourself.Your DH might not have fully processed things himself yet, which probably adds to why he’s not ready to tell the world.

ShyMaryEllen · 10/12/2025 18:33

I believe that people's medical matters are their business, unless they wish to share them - and if they do share them they have a right to ask for confidentiality.

I would be furious if my husband told my (adult) children about a condition I have. If/when it reaches the point that I am dying from it I will tell them myself, but that might not be for many years, and I have no wish to be a dead woman walking in the meantime. I think you should respect his wishes.

Cabinqueen · 10/12/2025 18:35

Macmillan Nurses can a huge help in this type of situation. You really do need their support if you're to keep your husband's wishes. 💐

Mhvybffbdcrvtvd · 10/12/2025 18:39

ShyMaryEllen · 10/12/2025 18:33

I believe that people's medical matters are their business, unless they wish to share them - and if they do share them they have a right to ask for confidentiality.

I wholeheartedly agree. I had someone who I trusted tell everyone I knew about a medical condition I have, it changed how everyone viewed me and treated me (which I was trying to avoid by not telling people). I never forgave the person who did that to me. It’s such a breach of trust of something so personal.

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