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Original poster

Keeping cancer diagnosis secret from children

128 replies

CompromisedConnie · 10/12/2025 18:02

DP was diagnosed with a life limiting but not life threatening cancer (CLL) 12 months ago. He doesn’t want me to tell the children as you wouldn’t know to look at him. Children are 9 &16. He is young and it’s been awful for us. I support him and we have come through the worst of it. Prognosis is good.

However…

I cannot talk to anyone about this as he doesn’t want children finding out. I support him but there is no one to support me. I’m not being honest with my children or family and it’s really upsetting me. We argue about it which is putting strain on our relationship.

Would I be unreasonable if I told the children and went against his wishes?

OP posts:
boxofbuttons · 10/12/2025 18:39

My friend's son was 15 when his mum had cancer. They told him she was ill but didn't specify and he put it together easily enough and felt very, very betrayed that nobody had been straight with him. If you're 100% sure they'll never find out, then fine, but if there's any chance at some point they will, I would tell them. They're part of the family too and ultimately, learning to handle scary things is a life skill that is better learned now than if his illness takes a turn suddenly.

notionpotion · 10/12/2025 18:40

My mum did this to us and it caused endless issues, I so wish she’d just told us from the off.

Mamabear0202 · 10/12/2025 18:40

Just to let you know; I think macmillion are also there to support families of patients. 🌺

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2025 18:44

Bruisername · 10/12/2025 18:05

That’s tough.

why doesn’t he want to tell the kids? Do you think it’s fair to tell the kids to ease your feelings if it’s going to be devastating for them?

might it be worth exploring this with your DH and a third party like a therapist?

I agree with this. You need to get to bottom of why he wants to keep it a secret.

It could well be that if anyone knows then it becomes real, because people will ask after his health etc and he will have to accept that it is happening. Right now he can pretend that it isnt.

It is very selfish to expect support from you but not allow you to seek support from anyone else. Do you have a cancer support office at his hospital? Macmillan, Marie Curie and a couple of others often do and they can help with seeking counselling.

pecanpie101 · 10/12/2025 18:44

Please speak to your specialist nurses/cancer support workers at the hospital. They will be able to signpost and support you.

MamaBanana12 · 10/12/2025 18:46

My husband has had cancer recently and is now recovering (thankfully) we didn’t tell our 2 kids (3&9) but having recently spoken to my now 10yo who informed me she knew all along as had seen some paperwork on the counter.

she made me promise to never keep anything from her, and it really upset me as we just tried to do the tight protective thing. As long as you communicate in an age appropriate way. So it was a hard parenting lesson for me, but my eldest now asks questions and we have talked through it and got her support at school if she needed it.

so from my perspective I’d say better to tell as the guilt I feel now for lying to her, even though it was for her protection.

Seawolves · 10/12/2025 18:47

I don't think you can tell the 16 year old and expect them to keep the secret from the 9 year old, that's unfair and a huge burden on them. Tell them both but seek advice from someone like Macmillan around how to tell them and what words to use.

CinnamonBuns67 · 10/12/2025 18:49

It would be unreasonable to share news of his cancer without his permission. I think the kids should know personally but it's his illness so it's his decision. I would ask him if you can confide in a friend, perhaps someone who isn't around the kids much who can keep it to themselves.

Original poster
CompromisedConnie · 10/12/2025 18:50

I should say I want to tell the children. He cannot bear the thought that they will see him as not perfectly ok. He is having treatment but it is all under the radar, no lengthy hospital visits just ‘meetings’. We both had separate therapy and I want couples therapy but he doesn’t want to as is adamant that they don’t need to know.prognosis is decades.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 10/12/2025 18:51

You have to tell them, you can’t lie to your children, it will destroy their ability to trust in any way shape or form. You’ll have no husband and estranged children. Talk to your macmillan nurse, get some sensible advice from someone else, your husband can’t expect you to carry this alone. You need to get him to come round to the idea of telling them.

morden123 · 10/12/2025 18:51

My sister had CLL. I decided not to tell my children as they were only young at the time and CLL as you know is very much 'watch and wait' for quite a few years. It was by chance that my children found out as they were talking about cancer and asked 'has anyone in the family had cancer'. I would not lie to them but they were a lot older by then, I had in my mind decided once my sister was starting to have treatment and it became more obvious then I would tell them.

Allaboutthecats · 10/12/2025 18:52

Is he on treatment or likely to be needing treatment soon?

If low risk CLL and only on surveillance, am not sure I'd tell them just now. He might not need treatment until they have left home.

Bruisername · 10/12/2025 18:52

CompromisedConnie · 10/12/2025 18:50

I should say I want to tell the children. He cannot bear the thought that they will see him as not perfectly ok. He is having treatment but it is all under the radar, no lengthy hospital visits just ‘meetings’. We both had separate therapy and I want couples therapy but he doesn’t want to as is adamant that they don’t need to know.prognosis is decades.

I think it’s fair that he doesn’t want to be treated differently. If this is just something that’s going to kill him in a few decades I can see why he doesn’t want it defining him.

I think you need to speak to your therapist about why you want to tell the kids and get advice on that

i actually think it’s very unfair for the people saying they resented their relative for not telling them. Someone who is ill shouldn’t have to feel that pressure

Pashazade · 10/12/2025 18:53

Would he rather they saw him as physically imperfect (ill) but still love him, or morally suspect, someone who lies to them and having nothing to do with him, because those are the two options really.

Allthings · 10/12/2025 18:54

In the first instance contact one of the cancer charities. You will be able to get some support from them and be able to discuss the situation regarding not telling anyone.

It is really hard work for the spouse and even harder if you can’t discuss it with anyone. The children at some point should be told as they potentially are at risk of it when they get older (especially males).

Bigminnie1 · 10/12/2025 18:57

I understand where he’s coming from. I had cancer a couple of years ago when my DD was 14 and I didn’t tell her. I had chemo and immunotherapy plus did get some infections and was in hospital a few times. Thankfully, I didn’t lose my hair and most of the time, I was ok. When I was in hospital DD just thought I had infections and my immunity was a bit crap. I didn’t want her worrying. However, I did tell a very select few of my closest friends. There are many of my friends who don’t know to this day.

Do you have a very close friend you can speak to who you can trust not to tell your kids ?

newnamenoname52 · 10/12/2025 19:00

Please don’t keep this as a secret from them. They will find out eventually and won’t thank you for it. It’s important for their mental health that they can process things and ask questions, and not feel that things that affect them were kept from them. I am another person speaking from experience. I felt so betrayed by being excluded and struggled to trust my family from that point

FelixRyark · 10/12/2025 19:03

I have CLL and have not told my children. As my consultant explained to me, I’m likely to die WITH this not OF this. It is a very slow growing thing. Please don’t worry too much if it’s a new diagnosis.

Approximately one third of those diagnosed with CLL will NEVER need treatment.

please have a look at this, but also contact CLL support (info in this link) who will help you fell more positive about this diagnosis.

https://lymphoma-action.org.uk/information-and-support/types-lymphoma/chronic-lymphocytic-leukaemia-cll-and-small-lymphocytic

Chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL) and small lymphocytic lymphoma (SLL) | Lymphoma Action

This information is about chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL) and small lymphocytic lymphoma (SLL), which are different forms of the same illness. They are often grouped together as a type of low-grade non-Hodgkin lymphoma.On this pageWhat is CLL/SLL?W...

https://lymphoma-action.org.uk/information-and-support/types-lymphoma/chronic-lymphocytic-leukaemia-cll-and-small-lymphocytic

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/12/2025 19:04

DPs parents did this to her, it fucking broke her when she finally found out.

Your husband may not forgive you if you tell them, but your kids definitely won't if you don't.

Clearinguptheclutter · 10/12/2025 19:05

I think you need to be open with the children but very difficult without his consent

if it helps at all my df (now 78) was diagnosed about 12 years ago with CLL. After an initial very difficult period (chemo made him very ill) he was put on a cocktail of immune therapy which he has had as an infusion once a month for nine or so years now. And in that time has been NED and basically healthy and living a normal life.

ShesTheAlbatross · 10/12/2025 19:06

I think he’s making a terrible decision here.

But I’m not sure why it means you can’t tell anyone at all? Not a friend? Or your mum? I appreciate it’s his medical info, but I think he’s extremely unreasonable forbidding you from talking about something which must be a stressful part of your life.

similarminimer · 10/12/2025 19:06

My understanding of CLL is that it is a very indolent disease and not necessarily life limiting. This may of course not be the case for your husband (I hope that it is of course). But labelling it as cancer may be difficult for him and the children if the prognosis is very different to most people's knee jerk response to cancer - dying/chemo etc.

Can you find a way between you of finding an explanation that allows you to discuss your fears without making the children and his friends see him differently. If he doesn't feel sick or need treatment currently i can see why he might want to avoid the fear and pity.

Sorry if this is way off the mark. Would therapy just for you help you to offload?.

Ponderingwindow · 10/12/2025 19:08

Children aren’t stupid. There is no way you can hide a major illness long-term from people who live in your home.

All he is doing is making them scared. Right now they know something is wrong, but they don’t have the facts.

This isn’t just about your need for support. He is doing a disservice to your children.

NoXmasPudding · 10/12/2025 19:11

I cannot imagine keeping this from my kids. My children are young adults now and they say they have always appreciated our honesty and openness with them.

Greggsit · 10/12/2025 19:14

ItsDarkNow · 10/12/2025 18:11

Tell them. You have to. Speaking from experience here.

I disagree. I've had cancer for a year. The kids (15 & 13)don't know, I don't want to worry them. They know I get tired and they know I sometimes go to hospital, but they are always told it's something different and minor. There's been the occasional time I've had to think on the fly and come up with an excuse for e.g. why I suddenly am covered in bandages, but I've always got away with it. They really do not need the additional pressure of knowing the truth right now. It's going to be difficult enough when they do need to know.

I would be outraged if my partner told them. I'm not sure I would find it forgivable.

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