I know we’re in the strong, independent, need-no-man era, but seriously: how to cope with being single and childless.

[Idontthinkibelonghere]

And yes, I’m embarrassed to hope to have a partner, but it is what it is.

I’ve noticed through out the decades that my loneliness gets worst twice a year, at the start of summer and at the end of the year, no idea why, and it is indeed that time of the year and holy hell am I feeling like shit…

YANBU OP. In the US they call this time of year "cuffing season" - when we want to snuggle up with a significant other.

How old are you? Where do you live? (roughly)

Thank you.

I’m going to be 40 soon.

Double post, don’t know why, didn’t mean to.

The thing is, you're allowed to have your feelings. There's nothing "embarrassing" about wanting to have a partner.

Dearth of eligible bachelors?

You’re allowed to want a partner there’s no shame in that. It doesn’t turn you into some pathetic princess locked in a castle waiting to be rescued.

Are you actively getting yourself out there and dating @Idontthinkibelonghere

That's not embarrassing. It's OK. But also it's OK to be single and comfortable in your own company and prioritise yourself and enjoy the company of your friends when you want to and peace of solitude when you want to. Have you thought about having a baby by yourself? I have 2 friends who have done this now. They have great family support and are very happy. Happier than a lot of my married friends.

How would that make it embarrassing?!

Completely! I can't be doing with the OTT shouldn't want a partner thing and more than I can be doing with the must have a husband and babies thing. They each have their advantages and disadvantages. You are allowed to want a relationship.

I never said it was embarrassing! I was asking why the OP didn't have a partner, because she has sabotaged good opportunities for potential life partners due to progressive propaganda or because she genuinely can't find any men of sufficient quality. I should have been clearer. Nothing embarrassing about wanting a partner

I absolutely hear you. Christmas with its relentless focus on families and children and presents can be hellish. yes you can have good friends, but they are generally involved with their own families over the Christmas period. I even find it hard being with my DSis's family and they open their massive piles of presents from one another, and then there's little old me with two - one from her and one from my mum (yes yes, I know I'm lucky to get those!).

The summer is just as bad, seeing all those loved up holidays on social media.

There is the pressure, this expectation to be FINE with being single, to LOVE IT. All that independence! All that being answerable to no one! All that not having to clear up after some man. Yes but it would be nice to snuggle up with someone on the sofa occasionally, to cuddle in bed, to share the load, to talk over your day, even to share the cost of living with (it's bloody crippling me at the moment)

Me too - except I'm 10 (+) years older than you; just turned 50 this year.
I feel so sad right now, and think that it's because of all of the loved up folks out at Christmas events, etc.
I've also become estranged from my father this year, and can't go to family over Christmas. I have a lovely friend who has invited me, but it's just her and her partner, and I'm not sure I can be with that.
I had a lovely partner, and our fertility problems ended up destroying the relationship, and I've been on my own since. Guys of my age seem to want women in their 30s, so they can become 50 year old dads, for some reason. But that's a whole other complaint.
Nothing constructive to add, except, I feel your pain OP.

Maybe try and work out exactly what it is about it that bothers you? If you can pin point that it might give you some idea of what to do to help you live with it (or if you just want to vent obviously that’s fine to)

I don’t get what being “strong”, “independent” and being self-sufficient without a male partner has to do with being single and / or childless.

Tbh I would read some of the relationship threads on mumsnet. They always make me very glad to be single!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, OP.

Not a criticism of you, but I never totally understand when people say - and I've seen it claimed a few times on here - that we're living in an age where it's now 'unfashionable' to say that you want a partner and kids. I don't think it's unfashionable at all. It's still very much the norm. We're living in an age when the VP of the most powerful country in the world sneered at 'childless cat ladies' and got elected. I think at the very, very most, there's been a very small space pried open in some pop culture for the idea that ending up on your own might not be completely tragic, in theory. But in practice, TV and films still focus near-exclusively on stories about people wanting and finding love. I was thinking about that watching a clip from the most recent Bridget Jones movie, where all her arsehole friends are pitying her for being single and then Leo Woodall appears diving into a pool: it's supposed to be a massive win for her versus her arsehole friends, but really, it's just completely affirming her friends' values and their idea that she is a bit pathetic if she doesn't have a man. The win is that it turns out she does. No single pride here.

You are in the season of cuddles, family activities amd all sorts, so it makes sense you feel the loneliness more acutely now. Similar to summer, when it's let's all get out and do things together season.

You don't have to feel embarrassed at all. Everyone wants different things, and it's natural to want companionship.

You can also reject the strong and independent stuff too. I've been single for a long time and I know I have I can hold my own, and do; but I've never aspired to the 'strong and independent' type. I need and accept help in many forms; because I have no business with stress, burnout and hyper-independence.
This help/support comes from interdependent relationships with my family, friends and other, because I'm not trying to fo everything by myself or be a martyr.

You can also reject the strong and independent stuff too. I've been single for a long time and I know I have I can hold my own, and do; but I've never aspired to the 'strong and independent' type. I need and accept help in many forms; because I have no business with stress, burnout and hyper-independence.
This help/support comes from interdependent relationships with my family, friends and other, because I'm not trying to fo everything by myself or be a martyr.

Oh yes I fully admit I save up lists of jobs for when my exH comes round.

Youre allowed to feel how you wanna feel girl 🥺

Believe it or not, by some of my posts, but at 16 I was like

'I will never need a man, i'm a feminist, if you give a man power to look after you, you'll suffer, omg omg'

What did I know. Now i spend my time telling women to leave their useless husbands and find a protector and provider

Its not antifeminist to want to be loved - i'm sure you deserve it

What are you doing to find it, are you on the apps? Are you asking to be set up? xx

I thought it was just me, haha!!

Naturally 😅. There are just somethings I don't bother with, despite my capabilities.

@Idontthinkibelonghere just to reiterate you're not alone. Im almost 50 and long time single and childless.
I dabbled in online dating this year and had some fun but nothing serious came out if it.
I generally have good friends and family and 80% of the time just get on with things but this week have been floored by the feeling that actually Noone else really really cares about me.
I am loved, I know that, and have people I can call on, but really truly noone actually cares how my day has gone...or how I am today....and its made me so very sad this week.

For me the worst thing is and has been, that there is noone witnessing my life. The big things, the small things. I can socialize all I want, whatsapp, call my friends but at the end of the day it is just me. I have a minor work dilemma right now and I would just so love to have someone to talk it over with for e.g.

And I know many people are in much worse situations, in loveless relationships or worse, chronic illness, sick children, the list goes on. I know that. And I try to keep things in perspective.
I know that this feeling will pass, but right now its here and its overwhelming and it sucks!

I know all the theory and what I should I do and how to even keep an eye on my thoughts so as not to allow the feelng to overwhelm but its still OK to have these feelings.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
No feeling lasts forever.

I kind of get this way of thinking, but I think it’s:
a.) not exactly a reality, most people I know live with, at least, ok partners with okey life, everyone is absolutely better off in their relationships.
b.) I think that’s (not only reality) but also a fastlane to bitterness, convincing myself that most couples must be miserable etc. doesn’t seem nice nor something balanced, happy person says…

There are people in relationships that are equal and happy.

There are people in relationship that are toxic and miserable.

There are people single who are fulfilled and happy.

There are people single who are lonely and sad.

One situation doesn’t equate just one outcome.

The key is knowing what you want and not settling. Have your standards and morals and only accept someone who brings all of that. It will be worth the wait.

The key is knowing what you want and not settling. Have your standards and morals and only accept someone who brings all of that. It will be worth the wait.

I’m not exactly sure how this is helpfull to someone in my situation, someone who struggles, I’m not turning anyone down - there is no offers….