I know we’re in the strong, independent, need-no-man era, but seriously: how to cope with being single and childless.

[Idontthinkibelonghere]

And yes, I’m embarrassed to hope to have a partner, but it is what it is.

I’ve noticed through out the decades that my loneliness gets worst twice a year, at the start of summer and at the end of the year, no idea why, and it is indeed that time of the year and holy hell am I feeling like shit…

Where did OP say they are looking for the “perfect man”?

Engaging in theft of consent is disgusting.

That headline is not saying that OP. That’s what you are choosing to read into that headline.

There is no propogande to get more single childless women.

None. Being a spinster is still intensely mocked and ridiculed in society.

As for Rob Henderson….

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob_K._Henderson

😆

I’m a decade younger than my siblings and whilst i loved seeing them and my siblings at Christmas i often felt quite down after, and In was married by 30, remember this as the worst time of the year for that.

I think the issue isn’t that there is anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship.

The problem is the way that skews people’s self esteem and their boundaries about what they’re willing to accept.

Wanting to be in a relationship is absolutely fine providing that it isn’t something which you lower your standards for. That’s where some women seem to struggle. Its such an all encompassing aspiration that you let your self respect slide to hang onto it.

Why are you embarrassed to hope to have a partner? How sad. You should listen to your feelings and immediately set about finding a partner in earnest. Only you can make it happen. After being single for many years, one new year i decided this was the year and started on line dating in the January and met the love of my life in the April. Go for it!

I think being coupled up is rammed down people’s throats at this time of year.
I would keep on with the online dating.
Would you consider having a baby alone op? Why not investigate using a sperm donor?

Women can always get dates on dating sites so you must be being too picky.

When I was doing OLD I just matched with a lot of people. I met my partner on bumble, his profile pictures etc were awful, didn't do him justice. I shudder to think I could have swiped him away based on a superficial ideal of what women are meant to want.

Be less picky! There are good men out there.

I believe evolution and biology hardwire us for connection so that we procreate and keep the human race going. that all living species including amoeba, plants etc, are programmed to do the same thing.

It doesn’t matter what society does eg feminism - we can’t override our biology.

Id suggest for the time being - trying to fulfil these innate yearnings - but with other things instead.

Having a partner fulfills our need tor connection. So have deep dive into what connection with others means to you and see if you can meet that need in other ways.

The same with having a child with all its pros and cons. It usually involves giving your life purpose and meaning. Often children keep you too busy to even have time to consider life’s purpose - but you know bringing them up to be hopefully successful adults is your life’s work (this obvs doesn’t apply to everyone - there will always be outliers in any population).

So again, have a look at your life and see if you can find anything that can give you this purpose in life. For some this is as simple as just making money, or doing charity work, having pets - it can be quite a long list. .
If you can do these things - - it may partly fulfil your yearnings in the present.

So you see in spite of being strong independent women - there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man and children.

Why should the op be less picky? Dear lord, who wants to end up with a selfish, useless, lazy manchild? The op wants children. The vast majority of men according to threads on here are not suitable husband or father material.
I doubt the op is refusing to date any man who isn’t beautiful, rich, kind, due to inherit at least a million pounds, prepared to do 100% of the housework and diy etc.
She does however want a stable partner who wants to put her first and also wants children.
I know several woman who are single who would make great partners but just have been unlucky in finding someone.

I'm also in this club. 45 single and childless. Am finding it really difficult right now, Christmas is a hard time for so many reasons. I have a lot of health problems so meeting someone not really an option right now. I'm sad though that I don't have that companionship and feeling of being in a team. It's very lonely. It feels hard being very unwitnessed, like I don't exist at times. I do have good friends but socialising is very limited at the moment.

some of us really don’t get dates from online sites 😂. Maybe if you are young (under 35) and gorgeous, but there are a lot of women out there who do try, who aren’t “picky”, who do swipe the not hot guys…..but still don’t get dates because we are either too,old, not hot enough….whatever. It is not our fault or the men’s faults. It is just life, but it is cruel to suggest that online dating will work for everyone. Hopefully the OP is young enough and hot enough to attract men, but some of us never have been and even settling for the no where near perfect man has worked out.

Not all women do, I’m a living proof of that.
Good men or not, I got bo luck, definitely not about me being ’picky’.

I’m coming to see though that some people have funny ideas how all women could have a man easily, and for whatever reason do not understand that it’s not like that for all of us.

I did think about it and started to save money, but I don’t think it would be right for me to do that, I don’t have support to knowingly going at it alone.

Exactly this!

And I’m sadly not young, nor hot enough 😩😂!

That’s really not true. I’ve been on and off dating sites over the years and have had probably 3 dates in 14 years. All dreadful. It’s a complete lottery and I decided that I’d rather spend my free time with friends and family than some random bloke who had made little to zero effort. If that makes me too picky so be it.

I do think the “don’t be picky” is shit advice for a woman who wants a partner not just a shag and wants a child with said man. If you are planning a child, plan it alone (via donor) or pick a good man, you can dump a shit man, it’s hard for a child to dump a shit parent.

You sound very defeatist op.

Fwiw, every woman I know, including myself who is in a relationship actively went looking for one.

Also, you're only in your thirties for heavens sake. I'm 44...I've recently spruced myself up...lost weight, bought new clothes, new make up...made a lot more effort. I now get plenty of male attention although I'm not looking for it as I have a partner. If I was single today and wanted a partner, if approach it like I was job hunting.

This resonates a lot.

”It feels hard being very unwitnessed, like I don't exist at times.”
So true, I’m not very good with words, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you know what this feeling is like (and thank you for putting it so well) and I wish you all the best, I really do. ❤️❤️

EDIT: Oh damn, it didn’t quote the post(er). This was meant for @Blanketenvy

Personally I couldn’t find the right partner and decided I would rather have a child on my own than not at all. So I became a SMBC to a DC at age 40.

It’s not about it being “right” (unless you meant it’s just not the right thing for you personally?) - actually studies now show that the children of SMBC often do better emotionally, educationally etc than children in more conventional families (see Prof Golombok et al). There are likely multiple reasons but probably the major one is that times have changed and there just isn’t the stigma there used to be which makes a big difference, as well the the idea that the home situation of children of SMBC may feel more stable than others - no potential family breakups/one consistent parent from day 1, statistically the mothers are likely to be more highly educated and in a good financial position and have had to put a lot of effort in to become a parent/the child is desperately wanted etc

But yes, it is much harder to do it completely on your own without any “village” to help - most of the SMBC I know are lucky enough to have some family help as I do (or sometimes they are high earners with good nannies). Do you have anyone at all who could help with childcare in an emergency/if you were ill?

I used to feel just like you OP but I do feel more fulfilled now - when DS is an adult and independent and living his own life, then I can worry about having to find a partner for companionship, if that’s what I want at that time. Might be happiest being on my own by then 🤣. I suppose one of benefits of a having a kid to exhaust you/ keep you constantly busy is being able to kick that problem further down the road!