To ask those of you who’ve had to go through something really difficult on your own, did it change how you relate to people afterwards?

[QuietCoinsNina]

As in, did it shift how much you trust, how you reach out for support or how you view friendships/relationships in general?

Yes - in that I realised I am basically on my own with the really hard stuff.

Another yes. As pp you realise that when the proverbial hits the fan you are on your own. You and only you can make whatever decision needs to be made.
I tend to step away from other peoples problems where possible. Although people tend to see you coping alone and then think you are some great sage who has all the answers. Couldn’t be further from the truth! More like madly padding, whilst attempting to not drown or throw up with a veneer of something called calm! I also tend not share my private issues anymore, doesn’t really help in making any decisions and just becomes the source of others gossip.

I'd second that, but it also helped me appreciate that when push comes to shove, I can actually do it, get myself through it, come out the other side smiling, etc.

Yes. I don’t trust anyone, I have difficulty reaching out to people, I don’t have any illusions about the worth of human life, I don’t miss people who die, I don’t mind taking risks and I’m basically treading water until I die. I’ve had a lot of very good therapy over decades, I’m on a high dose of antidepressants but it hasn’t erased the lessons I learned between the ages of 0 and 14.

Oh heavens yes!! I realised that no one else is truly there for me and that I am the only person who can look out for me.

When my partner died three years ago (we had only been together 5 years) everyone said "Call me if you need anything" but how do you just call people out of the blue ? And in a world where everyone has problems, I felt/feel that mine were only big problems to me and that didn't make them more important than other people's problems

I had a childhood where I was emotionally neglected. So I became as tough as nails. I am now in my fifties and surrounded by people who love me and would help me. But I refuse to ask anyone for help, at times to my detriment. I simply cannot do it as I would feel embarrassed and weak. I help others a hell of a lot though. It’s a bit messed up. Independence means everything to me.

I don’t as much.

Feel very detached and disappointed in humanity really.

I have trust issues, and don't expect things of others. Personally, I find the human race overrated and love having days off from the world! Although I come across as friendly and polite on the outside, I am still genuinely surprised when people seem to like me!

Another yes.

Yeah, I went through cancer without telling any of my family because I knew they would only make it worse and not help one jot (they're the reason why I don't trust anyone except myself). I kept on working and told no one there, and the normality of that helped me, though it was exhausting.

I did reach out to two friends when I got diagnosed - one said 'Come back and tell me when you're fun again!' (aka drinking), and one said 'I know you won't want to go on about it...'. 😐

Ironically, the latter got cancer herself a couple of years later, and I was there for her because I'm not a dick... but it just confirmed my view that, if you rely on yourself, you won't get let down...

Yes. The people I had been there for, were not there for me. So now I do nothing for anyone (except my adult DC). I've become quite selfish but I think I needed to. I'm a lot happier for it that's for sure.

Yes.

Although some people who I’d never met before were kind to me.

i am very clear now that I only rely on me. I wouldn’t say I have trust issues I would say that I’m clearer about who you can rely on to do what.

my mum let me down massively and as a result we have a very shallow relationship. I have no guilt about not being there for her as she ages. None whatsoever.

Yes, although it was not because I reached out to people and they refused to help, it was more that I just got on with things on my own. It has made me more resilient as I know I can deal with anything, but I am also more of a closed person because I don't feel the need to reach out to others. And I have less patience and respect for those who aren't resilient and resourceful and are heavily dependent on others.

Yes I’m the same.

My mantra in all things is match people’s energy. If they have helped me in the past I would be there for them. If they weren’t, I would not put myself out. I have realised that I am stronger than a lot of people. I have had a lot of hardship and only latterly have realised that this has given me excellent resilience. I have got this!

I was disowned by my family and the small town I lived in aged sixteen and pregnant - so I learnt the hard way that I can cope with life and my children without any help or support. I think it helps you an awful lot actually, helps you to realise you ARE capable of what was maybe making you fearful.
It also means I don’t put up with crap men as I know I don’t “need” them…people are a lovely extra when you have them but you should never rely too heavily on any crutch.

Yes. I'm very guarded and less likely to open up to people. And I'm less likely to help others out as I know I'm making my life harder and wouldn't get the same back. I'm less likely to ask for help though too. But I'm also much more openminded and less judgemental, and give my all to my DC and I know I will give everything to support them through their lives.

Yes lost a baby late in pregnancy. People avoided me, I even saw them crossing the street and pretending not to see me. I appreciate they felt awkward and didn't know what to say but honestly even hello would be better than nothing. I felt like they thought my bad luck was contagious or something.

There were also people who said tactless things like "maybe it was for the best/ not meant to be" or "you can try again" but to be honest I preferred that to being avoided like I had a plague.

Fairweather friends are the worst. They are happy to join you for the fun times but can't see them for dust when anything goes wrong. I ended up with a smaller friendship group but one I really value. Its made me quite cynical and untrusting about people in general.

My husband was useless too. He can't cope with people needing emotional support and it felt like his desperate need for me to be "all right" blinded him to the fact that I really needed him to support and comfort me and put me first for once. It hardened my heart towards him to an extent as I know that I can only rely on myself to get myself through difficult emotional times. The irony is that I would pretty much be fine if he died or left (gutted but fine in the end) because I've learnt I have to be. Whereas i think he would go to pieces if it was the other way around because he's so used to me making everything all right.

Yes, I found some surprising supporters from unexpected places... I think those of us who've 'been through the fire' recognise each other...

And my mother is always concocting fake illnesses for attention, and it's particularly galling when she hints that she's 'sure she has Something Awful but she doesn't want to know...'. I now know that when you genuinely have Something Awful, you want to know everything about it...

I am cautious about trusting anyone but more recently, men! Sadly I’ve become cynical.

I reach out to my offspring to help me make sense of life experiences sometimes but I’m known for bottling a lot and try not to bother them. I just battle on.

I also view friendships with caution in that I always half expect friends to let me down. If they don’t, it’s a bonus. I’ve stopped contacting friends/acquaintances who never contact me. I can’t be arsed anymore!

@honeylulu , absolutely relate to so much of that... 🤗 I thought my DH was a good one, but he could - not - deal... I'd heard of the 'my appliance has broken down' attitude of so many men, and saw it close up...

And I feel the same as you about who'd do better alone too because I've been the facilitator all our married life...

The opposite… people have stood by me who I did thing would.

I agree with this, it's similar to my experience. I had some counselling and started softening and found that I was actually right in the first place. So now I realise that I can only actually rely on myself and my own independence, and I will do anything for my adult DC but no one else.

I like to have a plan to deal with things by myself. I know what practical help is available from services or that I can buy in. I know how to take care of my MH, to self soothe, and where to access professional emotional support should I need it. That way, I'm all set without having to rely on friends and family and anything they would then offer would be a bonus.
I wouldn't say I've been let down, as much as being very preoccupied with not wanting to be a burden. I can't stand the idea that people might pity me or feel obligated to help me against their choice. My self image is very much the helper rather than the helpee. Which isn't necessarily a positive.

I was abused for 15yrs as a child and got into therapy at about 24. At first I talked to people about it but I learned not to because most people don't understand and try to minimise. In the end I learned that my own opinion was what mattered and that made me stronger.

I also learned not to judge. I made a lot of mistakes when I was inhaled and now I give people a lot of leeway on the basis that I needed that too.