To ask those of you who’ve had to go through something really difficult on your own, did it change how you relate to people afterwards?

[QuietCoinsNina]

As in, did it shift how much you trust, how you reach out for support or how you view friendships/relationships in general?

I know I have a very small group of friends who have my back. I know this for sure because I nearly died from sepsis and found out afterwards they were ready to step in and pick up the pieces if the worst happened. I've never forgotten this.
But 'let me know if I can do anything' is just something people say when they really don't have any intention of helping but want to come across as a Supportive Person. It is quite an irritating thing to hear when you are in need as it puts the onus on you.

Your post is so sad but so incredibly true! You think you’re important to people but then there’s the awful realisation.that you’re not!

Having said that I do have a couple of friends who are truly wonderful and have proved their worth again and again. I like to think they feel the same way about me.

Lots over the years. I have come to realise that when you reach rock bottom, absolutely no one is coming for you. You have to provide yourself with the necessary lift to get out of it. I grew up in an abusive home and no one came to save me so I left at 16 and saved myself. Had my own back ever since in truth. I know how unreliable people are so don’t expect them to be there in my hour of need.

Yes, in a positive way. I wasn’t completely alone (I have Dh and dc who are lovely). But I basically lost my entire family due to a disclosure of sexual abuse (my family chose to support the abuser and I had to go NC, so I now have no biological family in my life, other than my children). It was a completely isolating experience. It all also happened during COVID, so I was at home, trying to hang onto my job, with a toddler, homeschooling a 7 year old, while my entire life collapsed around me.

It took me some time to actually be able to talk to people about it, because you don’t just tell everyone about your f-ed up family and your experiences of abuse. When I did, I lost a few people. But the most amazing thing happened: people who were barely acquaintances stepped up and totally looked after me. I have people who have become like a replacement family. One of my mum’s best friends for like 60 years doesn’t speak to her anymore, but has become like surrogate family. A few others just really stuck up for me. Not the people I expected. Not my closest friends. Really random ones who were like f this, not on my watch! It’s been totally restorative. It’s renewed my faith in people and my sense of trust. I lost a lot, but I gained a lot too.

Yes, not people's fault at all - all well meaning, it's just not possible for others to understand certain things if they haven't been through it themselves. It helps to find others who have.

It’s made me quite unsympathetic.

When people get upset over things that to me seem very trivial it takes all my will not to tell them to stop being stupid.

Some truly horrendous experiences, both as a child and as an adult, twisted me and I become a more selfish, less pleasant person.

I dealt with SA as a child. It affected me deeply.

Hugs and solidarity to all previous posters - I have also found out through several traumatic periods who my "real" friends are - I have three, and we're bonded becayse we've all experienced WTF / left field stuff that makes people back off sceptically if you do try to explain it.

They all have other people living in their homes with them and therefore other things going on, I'm the only one who is completely aline, not counting my two cats, whose conversation skills are a bit limited, so we're not in each others pockets but are "there" if you know what I mean.

My wider circle evaporated after my DP died nearly four years ago, and then it was one disaster after another with three close bereavements this year....

In summary, I think some people think that it's either something I'm doing or not doing to "attract" such a run of bad luck, or that it's in some way contagious perhaps. Then again I can't blame them as they have lives etc and probably think I wouldn't have the bandwidth for much these days. And my resting bitch face has been mentioned. Perhaps I'll take up face yoga.....

I have realised that I’m actually very capable . And that a lot of people are not.
The few who were a real support now have super special status to me as excellent human beings. The others are still great people but I now know their limits in a crisis.
I really believe in my ability to cope with anything now and feel more confident as a result.

I found out who my friends were…

I don’t like to admit it but it’s made me harder and less tolerant of what I see as ‘navel gazing’ - people endlessly analysing themselves and moaning when, despite a few normal bumps in the road, their lives are fine. It does feel like some people go looking for problems, constantly psychoanalysing everything and convincing themselves they have a condition etc

I need to soften up a bit but don’t know how. I can’t stand the whinging.

Yes, I don't trust anyone. Not even DH. In all honesty, I don't

Posted too soon. I don't even trust that once their grown up my kids will still love me. It makes me really sad, and it's not at all a reflection on them, but it's how I feel.

Two things for me when something huge happened to me:

1. Some people - one person really - I expected to be there for me the most, were not able to set aside their own feelings enough, so I had to simply write them off as a source of help or even comfort. the alternative being for me deal with their emotions on top of/before mine, which were not my fault, but also not my problem.
2. Conversely, a couple of people I least expected to be supportive turned out to be great, not in any flamboyant gesture, but simply by not demanding or expecting anything of me which made it easy for me to do what I could, when I could. Plus they showed basic empathy and kindness.

Yep.

I went through a life changing experience and a friend I had known for 15 years just dropped me over what seemed to be a trivial difference. She then sent me a letter which made me realise there were deeper issues involved. Yet she had never raised these other issues to give me the opportunity to address them. She did admit in her letter that she had been a hypocrite by not doing so. The effect on me was like a breavement. Worse, because I knew that someone I was fond of was walking around the world but wanted no part of me.

This experience has made me a great deal more guarded in my relationships and in what I tell other people about myself. I am low contact with my family. I dont share financial or personal information with most people. I limit any kind of contact with randoms and neighbours because I dont have the head space for them.

Yes after numerous sudden unexpected youngish deaths it made me realise life is short so make the most of it make memories now instead of putting things off

And which probably totally contradicts what I posted above but due to an awful ongoing experience with dsis who I am nc with I don’t trust people the same and now doubt people’s intentions. I am now more vigilant at spotting red flags and will no longer just go along with things to keep the peace or because it’s family.

This is me as well. I'm 35 now. I sometimes think I can't feel real emotions. I struggle with empathy. I'm distant in my relationship. I love my children and worry daily about pushing them away.

I would say it did. I lost my mum to cancer about 15 years ago (she was mid fifties) and my eyes were opened, to say the least.

Friends of mine vanished, friends of hers vanished too. Some people were very good but in general the whole experience was one of disappointment in people. It was a difficult time as while my dad is great he is not emotionally forthcoming and communication is very superficial, same with my sibling. My grandmother was probably my greatest ally but she was having a very trying time herself after the loss of her only child so I was supporting her too.

I had a very hard two years (two of the family pets also died quite soon after). I reached out to some friends/relatives and they did not seem to get it, or did not have the capacity to support me. I was probably the first in my friend group to lose a parent.

Then I was lucky enough to meet my DH, and he has been fantastic. But by God it is so hard to be essentially on your own in the world.

Same

That sounds very familiar. I’ve found myself in adulthood literally unable to call out for help in situations where I was in imminent physical danger because the idea fills me with horror, fear and embarrassment.

another yes here am afraid

Yep and it changed how I am as a person and how I am towards other people. I’ve learnt now, not to tell anyone anything

People complaining about trivial stuff irritate me.
I let unimportant stuff slide over me.
I feel super isolated at times even though I've got my own family now.
I feel jealous of people who seem to not have had any tragedy or hardship in their lives.