To ask those of you who’ve had to go through something really difficult on your own, did it change how you relate to people afterwards?

[QuietCoinsNina]

As in, did it shift how much you trust, how you reach out for support or how you view friendships/relationships in general?

Yes, after not a single friend even gave me 2 mins of their time when my DM died (we were estranged, but the mixed emotions were devastating) I’ve realised that very few people have emotional intelligence.

I’ve learnt to rely on no one but myself (and DH), and that most people are only around for the good times and don’t think too deeply about friendships. I think you can be happier if you don’t expect much at all of anyone else and then you feel much less let down when a listening ear or having a coffee occasionally (or even just once) simply isn’t offered.

Yes, any trust I had, has been knocked out of me. People will ultimately show you their true colours, often the people you absolutely least expect.

just plodding on, day to day, waiting for the next time.

I think everyone should be able to deal with things on their own.

That's what resilience is.

Not depending on others is a good thing.

Yeah

I am alone in this world. But I feel that knowing that fact makes it slightly easier. I don't spend time wondering if anyone will help me, I just get as much shit done as possible myself x

Such an interesting thread, thanks OP. Yes, I’ve changed and now view people very differently & feel detached.

Another yes.
Going through something 'big' at the moment and feel very alone with it, but then it is my issue and only I can work through it.
I find I'm tipping over a little into bitterness towards others and I don't want to feel like that, I hope it's only temporary.

Absolutely. I went through some very tough times in my younger years, things that I'm still working through even now - and I've always had to do it entirely by myself.

Unfortunately, it can make you jaded towards how you view others though. People are often very good at saying they are "there for you", but rarely (in my experience) follow through with that. As much as I like my friends, I kind of feel that most people only truly value you when it is convenient to them.

Yes this and also I find some really self centred people take advantage of the fact that you are actually quite a strong person and try to heap their own personal issues on top of what you are dealing with.

@blobby10exactly what I tell people who ask ‘how do I support someone going through a bereavement’. I lost my DH suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. Loads said ‘let me know if you need help’. No no no! Just say ‘I’ll take the kids off your hands today’ or ‘here are three dinners I’ve made for you’. Don’t put the onus on me to ASK. On the two occasions I was desperate and did ask if course they couldn’t help for one reason or another.
As to original question of this thread: I don’t know. The people I expected to support me did. The people I knew through my DH drifted away, as expected, with a couple of exceptions.

This. My husband is my rock and I know my young adult kids love me, but the buck stops there. No one else would help me if I was in trouble/ dire need - that’s been proven.

This. Except for my mum. Also no one really understands. Not even my mum or DH.

Absolutely people bring their own experience and that reflects how they react respond or just ignore. I lost my best friend to cancer a decade ago it was long hard and drawn out. I was left with her almost daughter to sdd to my own family it was incredibly difficult and challenging. When my how very close friend

Yes when something awful happens there are actually very few people who appear out of the fog to help you 😢

I distanced myself from family, cut contact with some of them completely and went low contact with others. I’m more mistrustful of people generally and try to keep myself to myself.

I've been extremely blessed with the fortune to have people step up to help me every time I've really needed help.

However, the first time I faced something very difficult on my own (I was young, still at Uni) the one individual who I regarded as my best friend hid away from me, and wouldn't respond even when I reached out to ask for help. I had always assumed that we'd be there for each other. Our relationship never really recovered from that although it took another decade of disappointments before I properly let go.

I'm another who has had to go through some stuff alone. People think I'm strong but I'm not really. Yes, I would not hitch myself to someone else's flag (or whatever the phrase is) because people don't always mean to, but they do let you down sooner or later. It's just the way it is.

This is probably the saddest thread on here I’ve ever read. I’ve been through some awful times but my mum is my rock and saviour. She’s 80 next year and I’m absolutely terrified about how I will cope when I lose her.

I agree . I lost my sister suddenly earlier this year & most people avoided me . Several friends I didn’t know that well were surprisingly supportive . Sadly it has made me consider only supporting those who have supported me , as I felt very let down .

I’ve finally realised that no one is coming to “save” me and I’ve got to sort things out on my own. Actually quite liberating.

Yes, I withdrew from people to quite a large extent, as none of them were there for me in the quite the way I had hoped or expected.

I have a much tougher core now, whether that’s good or bad I don’t know. I am probably a bit cold and much more steely these days.

It's made me care about others less. I'm a lot more selfish now.

I feel VERY selfish internally although most other people don't see me this way (my job is in a caring sector). Nevertheless, I know I'm different now.

It is. Makes life a lot easier too.

Yes, it has made me distrustful of other’s motives.

I'm going through some tricky stuff at work at the moment: I'm in a senior role but am being frozen out and treated like shit by people who are nominally my equals and friends but in practice are my bosses and are horrible to me.

It's made me feel very alone: there's no one at work who I can be properly honest with about it because it's a dog eat dog culture where any sign of vulnerability provides an opportunity to stick the knife in. And outside work I don't want to bore people with the detailed intricacies of who said what to whom, when.

It has made me realise that in many of situations you are pretty alone: there's a limit to the amount you can let your guard down and share about how awful you feel, because its either boring and draining for other people to listen to or it renders you vulnerable to exploitation. I remember feeling similar when my marriage broke down. In theory people were very open to listening and helping, in practice I could tell they got bored quite quickly.

Sadly I think this is probably true of most traumatic events: in theory its "good to talk" but it practice if you're going something pretty awful it's very difficult to share it with people.

I’ve had the misfortune to experience several traumatic and deeply painful events in my life, and as a result I now don’t truly trust anyone, even close friends.
I am fiercely independent and keep my feelings to myself.
I could choose to focus on feeling betrayed by those who should have been there for me (as I would always be for them) but instead I’ve built boundaries where needed and made efforts to heal using independent resources.
There’s nothing like going through hell to find out who really gives a shit!
Hope you’re ok, OP.