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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect financial support from my husband

431 replies

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 17:40

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/12/2025 21:04

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:02

Family are hugely disappointed with him and don’t think much of him at all, but have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of the small children.

he’s just said that if we go through the courts it’s likely that I will have to pay him maintenance, as my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

Well he won’t get the kids more than 50/50 so he’s wrong.

Tiswa · 09/12/2025 21:07

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:02

Family are hugely disappointed with him and don’t think much of him at all, but have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of the small children.

he’s just said that if we go through the courts it’s likely that I will have to pay him maintenance, as my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

Yes spousal maintenance isn’t a thing and as I suspect 50/50 is the maximum childcare split you would give him absolutely no way

he Really has no idea does he

IndolentCat · 09/12/2025 21:07

He’s hilarious 🤣

And ignorant. But still do get the SHL and the forensic accountant.

poetryandwine · 09/12/2025 21:12

Yes yes to a forensic accountant, OP!

But he sounds clueless

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 21:23

WTF! You’ve taken a pay cut to give birth to and care for HIS children. Of course he should be sharing the burden and splitting things according to what you’re actually bringing in on mat leave - not what you previously earned. How incredibly selfish of him.

Enrichetta · 09/12/2025 21:34

@PoisedUmberCrab - it’s done now, but why did you ignore all the advice you’ve had here and chose to file before (a) collecting all financial documentation and (b) seeking legal advice…

Can you focus now and collect what you can, and find a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with cases involving financially abusive self-employed husbands.

Tammygirl12 · 09/12/2025 21:39

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:02

Family are hugely disappointed with him and don’t think much of him at all, but have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of the small children.

he’s just said that if we go through the courts it’s likely that I will have to pay him maintenance, as my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

I think that’s only if he were the primary carer? Who will the kids live with most of the time?

RightSheSaid · 09/12/2025 21:39

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:02

Family are hugely disappointed with him and don’t think much of him at all, but have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of the small children.

he’s just said that if we go through the courts it’s likely that I will have to pay him maintenance, as my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

Tell him that you aren't returning to work.

He's trying to scare you Into backing down.

You need to grey rock as much as possible. I wouldn't give him any emotion.

You need to take legal advice ASAP. You also need to fight for everything you can get now. So may people I know have just wanted to get out quick and walk away. They have short changed themselves. He's going to try and screw you. Don't let him.

laurini · 09/12/2025 21:44

He's a dick. My husband paid all the mortgage and bills when I was on maternity leave. Now I'm back at work, i'm back to paying 50%.

Original poster
PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:47

Enrichetta · 09/12/2025 21:34

@PoisedUmberCrab - it’s done now, but why did you ignore all the advice you’ve had here and chose to file before (a) collecting all financial documentation and (b) seeking legal advice…

Can you focus now and collect what you can, and find a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with cases involving financially abusive self-employed husbands.

I have sought legal advice previously and have a good idea of my entitlement (50/50)!

To be honest, I couldn’t go a second longer.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 09/12/2025 21:53

That’s good to know, so now fill in Form E for yourself, and for him - assuming you have a full picture of his financial affairs.

I am hoping your solicitor is experienced in dealing with men who hide assets and pay themselves via dividends.

CombatBarbie · 09/12/2025 21:59

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:02

Family are hugely disappointed with him and don’t think much of him at all, but have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of the small children.

he’s just said that if we go through the courts it’s likely that I will have to pay him maintenance, as my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

Hahaha good luck with that too, i so wish i could be there when he explains how he pays £1100 a month for a car!!!!.... is he also doing 50/50 parenting?

freakingscared · 09/12/2025 22:02

What am I reading ? Why did you allow this to happen twice ? They are hai children and you both had them so any financial loss should come from both . This is financial abuse at its finest

BernardButlersBra · 09/12/2025 22:02

Cool. Because obviously he pulled his weight during the pregnancy, the birth, did all the night wakings, all the bottles?! Back in the real world l am sure he really didn't

Like a lot of women on here you need to sort your self esteem out. He is totally taking the piss out of you and you seem happy to let him do that. It sounds harsh but l genuinely wonder women allow this. I think some men frame it as equality but it's financial abuse actually. We had twins and took little prisoners really. So what if my husband went back to work after a month, he did his fair share of night wakings as over 45 hour a week l was solo caring for 2 babies. Plus on maternity leave l declined to subsidise him in short -why would l pay my way AND be nanny to his children?!

BlondeBonBon · 09/12/2025 22:05

you need more than 50% because you’ve gone into the red to cover maternity leave costs and a new child - while his life hasn’t changed at all.

BlondeBonBon · 09/12/2025 22:05

who will be the main carer going forward because this will effect your future earnings and costs.

Pistachiocake · 09/12/2025 22:08

Why not have a joint account? Most people keep things separate before kids, but do have a joint account after (even if they each also have some separate individual ones).
I got to the point of buying a cot in my first pregancy before thinking it was ridiculous to ask him to send me half the money, and just said it would be easier to have a joint one, because once you have a baby, things just aren't the same. No matter how hard you try to make it equal, it's not.

Bobiverse · 09/12/2025 22:19

PoisedUmberCrab · 09/12/2025 21:02

Family are hugely disappointed with him and don’t think much of him at all, but have tried to keep things amicable for the sake of the small children.

he’s just said that if we go through the courts it’s likely that I will have to pay him maintenance, as my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

He sounds thick. Maintenance has nothing to do with salary. It’s only to do with who is the resident parent. I assume you will have the kids more? So he has to pay maintenance. That’s literally all there is to it.

And the home? He hasn’t ring fenced his deposit and you own the home equally so you get half of it all, he can’t keep his deposit.

Do not accept any less. Get a solicitor.

It is disgusting that he thinks he should keep all his savings and his normal disposable income whilst you get into debt and burn through your savings for a joint child. And he didn’t the first time too? Why did you have a second child?

Go see a solicitor asap to get that divorce going.

Cornishclio · 09/12/2025 22:32

Red flag there. Assuming having children was something you both agreed on he is undoubtedly wrong to allow you to go into debt so you can continue as before paying 50% of the bills when your income had dropped by 50 %. This is an indication that he feels having children should impact only you not just financially but probably also in terms of responsibility for looking after the baby and cost of outside childcare. I would never ha ve had a child with a man who felt like that.

You should be paying 25% and he pay 75% unless you merge finances.

Peridoteage · 09/12/2025 22:33

Did you talk about and plan how you would afford (as a couple) you taking the time off work? How long were you off?

Does he have spare money after bills? Generally he is bu if he's just refusing to share finances, but i had a friend who literally expected her dp to fund her not working despite him not having a magic money tree, he had nothing spare. Its essential people discuss finances and agree a plan before having the baby

Peridoteage · 09/12/2025 22:35

my monthly salary (when I go back to work) is higher than his!!!!

This complicates things. Presumably if you are the higher earner & you don't share finances, you have more leftover to save than him when working. Did you save up for the mat leave?

CheeseyOnionPie · 09/12/2025 22:40

Are you legally married? He’s acting like you’re not.

He is treating you like some sort of flatmate that he has no choice but to share with rather than his wife and the mother of his two children.

Sorry, but he’s a twat and a bastard and he doesn’t even like you let alone love you. I would present him with divorce papers on Christmas fucking Day.

aloris · 09/12/2025 22:41

He thought the care of an infant would be free to him - i.e. you would bear the cost by taking the entire maternity pay cut on your back while he just carried on his carefree life and career as usual. Surprise, caring for an infant is work, that must be done 24/7, hence it either must be paid as a wage to a nanny or a parent must cut their work and pay to do it. Maybe you should charge him an hourly rate for his half of the childcare that you did while on maternity leave. Ugh.

ChocoFroggie · 10/12/2025 02:46

OP, it is entirely wrong that anything your husband accrued before he met you belongs to him only. Many people make this mistake. ANYTHING your husband owes or will have access to - ie a pension - constitutes "a marital asset" and must be shared. Your husband is about to get a shock.

I understand well that you can't face litigation, financially or psychologically. But you must, at the very least, consult an experienced divorce solicitor. DM me if you need a contact.

Mediation will determine who is owed what, and yes, the mediator will take into account that you are the higher earner. but he or she will also take into account that you had to go into debt for maternity leave, that your savings are depleted, that your earning power will be hampered by having two small children to look after and that you will incur childcare costs. And that your husband has additional income from the flats he lets out.

You owe it to your children to claim all that is rightfully yours. Do not make the mistake of believing that if you take as little as possible he will leave you and your children alone. On the contrary, the less you have the more vulnerable you are, and the more likely he is to torment you.

I know that you are very low right now, facing a divorce with two small children. My heart goes out to you. But please summon all the strength you can to get the fairest divorce settlement possible for you and your children. It's not a case of wilfully screwing your husband. It's a case of building a life for HIS as well as your children.

Again, do not make the mistake of thinking that appeasing him now will buy you peace or generosity.

All the very best to you at this tough time.

jellybe · 10/12/2025 03:37

This is why me and DH have always had one pot all money goes in it. None of this my money his money etc. meant when I was on mat leave we both took into account the reduction in the house income and discussed and adjusted spending accordingly. Also meant when he was a stay at home dad he didn’t need to ask for money from me for days out with the kids etc. again it was a look at our overall household finances and spending what we could afford.

your DH is being a dick.