To secretly resent husband for this?

[shouldntbeaskingthis]

I am actually embarrassed to ask this as my DH is a lovely man. We have one child, conceived after about 2 years of infertility as I have a prolactinoma, and also- what we thought at the time- was "mild" male infertility. Our DC is the light of our life and we love them so very much, and the three of us really have a lovely life together.

Fast forward to now, we have tried for several years to have a second DC but no such luck. We've had all the tests going, and now I seem to be okay fertility-wise (though admittedly I am 38 years old now), but my DH sperm count has now gone very low and much worse than a few years ago. I cannot help myself but to be very upset about this and I have noticed I kind of find faults with him (his appearance, not being sporty enough, receding hairline etc)) but it probably comes down to me secretly thinking it's his "fault" that we cannot have another, which I do realise is awful. We cannot really do IVF because of the prolactinoma (and the hormones that go with it, which could be dangerous to the tumour), the cost of it etc and adoption isn't an option either so really there is nothing I can do.

Any advice on how to get past this??

If your partner has sperm issues and you can't do IVF due to your own fertility issues, you can try IUI, either with his sperm or donor sperm. IUI doesn't require you to take hormones, although the success rates are lower compared to IVF.

I don't say 'use donor sperm' lightly, by the way - I have a donor conceived child as a result of male factor infertility and it's not easy to come to terms with, but it's possible if you really want a child.

You could also try mild IVF with fewer hormones as a possible option?

Of course, if cost is a barrier then that makes any fertility treatment difficult.

There are supplements and lifestyle changes that might help to boost his sperm count but that would be something he'd have to be on board with and you may need to see a male fertility specialist to get the right recommendations. Some supplements are not all they're cracked up to be so you do need to speak to a professional before wasting loads of time/ money (again, speaking from experience).

The resentment is another issue of course. It sounds like the reality is that you both have fertility problems which are contributing, so I'm sure I don't need to point out it's not entirely rational - but that's not how these things work.

If you still love him then maybe you could consider seeing a counsellor to talk about those feelings. That is the sort of thing that can grow in the longer term and eat away at the relationship if you don't address it.

When we thought we could only have 1 child, it was due to my husbands sperm having helmets on. At no point did I blame my husband. I did, however, go all out and spoil my 1st child. We were offered ivf but decided we were lucky to have even 1. You’ve said you can’t have ivf because of your prolactinoma, does your husband blame you for that, did he blame you first time round when it took ages to get pregnant not knowing if you could due to your prolactinoma? Readjust your thinking. You are incredibly lucky to have 1 child, if you can only have 1, focus on that child, not for the one who might not exist.

Thank you for your reply.. I think you've got a much better way of looking at it than me. I adore my DC and would never want them to think they are not enough, but there's this yearning in me and I don't know if this will ever go away. Despite that I'm really afraid of possible complications with us being older now....it's all very difficult

But isn’t also your “fault” as you can’t have ivf? Neither of you are to blame for your health conditions . He maybe looking at you and thinking the same thing. And I’d urge you not to go that route but count your blessings.

Well I could technically do IVF but it's riskier with the prolactinoma. They would do it though. I'm just also really afraid of it and the emotional rollercoaster and I don't think I'd deal with it well. My DH is actually very happy with one child, I think he'd be just as happy with two,but he's very content and doesn't have the same longing. He's generally much more easy going and goes with the flow. I wonder if I have an early midlife crisis!

I understand infertility issue are ectremely difficult to deal with.

His low sperm quality is no more his fault than your prolactinoma is yours.

Trust me, he probably feels shit enough about it already and feels like a failure who has let you down. (I know I did when I was the reason for no children in a previous LTR).

Against all odds, i.e. both parties having medical issues which reduce the chances, you were lucky enough to have a child. Focus on the luck you've had rather than dwell on the way might have been.

I think its awful especially as you aren't in top health either. Pot...kettle....

This isn't helpful- op is aware of what she's doing but emotions aren't always the rational part of us are they.

Op I think you need to go for therapy, ideally counselling with someone qualified who's trained in supporting those navigating fertility challenges. I don't think what you're describing is abnormal as such but this could very, very easily destroy your marriage and really if you're still considering options to expand your family, never mind take care of the family you have already created, then you need to be pulling together as a team here rather than against each other. Which means you need to take accountability for your own feelings, grief, anxiety, resentment and address those in a constructive way. And I think you'll need to do that individually before looking at whether you're ready to do counselling as a couple.

You mention having an early midlife crisis, but realistically you are at an age where your body is heading towards peri and many women experience a real longing for another child at that point so hormones can also be a driving factor so it's important you get back in the driving seat and are able to sift through this.

Not unreasonable, narcissistic and horrible.

I mean, she's posting in AIBU. Not the place you ask for heartfelt replies.

Have you spoken to your endocrine consultant about this? I have a prolactinoma and it didn’t affect my fertility at all. Maybe your consultant could suggest something? Mine was very helpful and supportive.

I have a prolatinoma and did loads of IVF! It didn’t work and I ended up conceiving naturally but at no point did the doctors say I can’t do fertility treatment.

I did learn that sperm can be improved by taking high doses of vitamin C and E.

Hmm tricky one. Has he done everything he could do to optimize things? Or is he just "seeing what happens". That's my big question. You want what you want which is fair enough. But you bring your own issues to the table as well don't forget

To throw my 5 pence worth in after doing IVF to have our 1st child. My husband was super reluctant to stop smoking, eat better, no hot baths etc. I'm still resentful a number of years later, after 3 rounds of IVF to be honest. I throw it in his face from time to time if he sufficiently annoys me. I gave it 100% and errr he didn't. By losing weight, vitamins / supplements, low / no alcohol etc. We got there in the end but at the price of expense, emotional pain, forgone career opportunities etc. A lot of which l had to shoulder myself

Thank you for your reply. I needed medication to get pregnant first time round but it seems resolved now, though my cycles are rather long and painful (but I've had a full workup and apparently everything is normal). The problem is male factor this time

How many SAs has he done? They aren't always that reliable. We had terrible results and then immediately got pregnant with DC2!

Have you tried proxeed or a similar supplement? And preseed/ a fertility cup. Have you thought about investigating whether it's a varicole? There are quite a lot of options for male factor before ivf (and cheaper).

I'm glad it worked out naturally in the end! I'm very concerned about doing IVF and it not working, the expense involved and then something potentially going wrong. I know I should just count my blessings and enjoy my wonderful DC (which I do) but I seem to be unable to stop the longing

Thank you for your reply. We did try one quite expensive supplement that an urologist has recommended but only for 3 months - should have probably tried for longer really, might try this again!

Christ, imagine if a bloke had written this about his wife’s infertility

It’s not necessarily unreasonable as there are lots of lifestyle changes men can make to improve their sperm health, as well as supplements. If he’s not putting any effort in then you’ll no doubt feel resentful of that.

YABU. Your attitude towards your husband stinks. One day he will realize your disdain for him and he will leave you.

He did go to urologist, tried expensive supplement, then some other supplements, loose boxers, acupuncture for over half a year so I can't fault him for effort. However he could drink less. Thing is that he had an operation in that area and it stems from this so realistically I don't know much it will help.
I think the real problem might be that I just can't seem to make peace with the uncertainty.

Has he been making lifestyle changes? If he isn't willing to then I do understand some resentment.

Sorry cross posted! Would iui work for you?

I think at my age (38) iui has unfortunately very low success rates....

Part of your longing maybe hormone related, at your age it can ramp up (even if previously you were happy with DC you have)