To secretly resent husband for this?

[shouldntbeaskingthis]

I am actually embarrassed to ask this as my DH is a lovely man. We have one child, conceived after about 2 years of infertility as I have a prolactinoma, and also- what we thought at the time- was "mild" male infertility. Our DC is the light of our life and we love them so very much, and the three of us really have a lovely life together.

Fast forward to now, we have tried for several years to have a second DC but no such luck. We've had all the tests going, and now I seem to be okay fertility-wise (though admittedly I am 38 years old now), but my DH sperm count has now gone very low and much worse than a few years ago. I cannot help myself but to be very upset about this and I have noticed I kind of find faults with him (his appearance, not being sporty enough, receding hairline etc)) but it probably comes down to me secretly thinking it's his "fault" that we cannot have another, which I do realise is awful. We cannot really do IVF because of the prolactinoma (and the hormones that go with it, which could be dangerous to the tumour), the cost of it etc and adoption isn't an option either so really there is nothing I can do.

Any advice on how to get past this??

You both have fertility issues, his have worsened as time has progressed which is quite common. The fact you’re turning this into resentment about other normal parts of the ageing process such as his hairline is quite telling. Perhaps you don’t love him as much as you thought you did. He can’t help losing his hair or being infertile. Imagine him resenting you because of your prolactinoma, or worse still your wrinkles or greying hair.

You're focusing on your H as symbolic of your pain at not having another child. You know rationally it's not his fault, but your mind needs something tangible at which to target your emotions. It's a really common thing our brains do when we are processing something distressing. It's why bereaved people will be angry at the person who has died. Its as though we seek something to be angry about and fight because it staves off the next painful stage, of acceptance.
However, if you've exhausted options, eventually acceptance is where you'll end up. It's a matter of waiting it out. And in the meantime, understanding that your feelings towards your H are your mind playing you false, and doing your best not to act upon them.

1st time round - when you thought it was your ‘fault’ did your DH blame you? If he was loving and supportive, that’s how you need to treat him.

You can feel sad and grieve the potential loss of what you had hoped for, but it’s not something he is in control of.

This sounds so difficult and really painful. I can understand your feelings and you’ve shared such an honest and raw feeling that I can imagine I’d potentially share in your position (but know it was not cool). I hope you can change your perspective and enjoy the family you have

I just wanted to comment on you saying the most exciting years are behind you. My eldest is 13 and I love, enjoy and am excited by him every day. Supporting them to learn, grow and develop is amazing. I remember when he walked it felt like all the milestones were over. Then he learned to read and I was just as enamoured. Now, I get to see him develop emotionally and support him navigating life. It really is exciting

That sounds so lovely, thank you so much for your reply and wishing you all the very best!

I think my difficulty is as well that I cannot decide if I should throw everything at it - potential financial fallout when trying IVF, nevermind the emotional side of it- or if I should just let it rest...

I can't say I wouldn't have been disappointed but obviously he can't help it.

Any chance that he's willing to accept a sperm donor?

I know I do. He's a better spouse than I am because I know he'd never think that way!

Argh, I feel very torn with this. I think as we already have one child there might be a difference... I am not sure I would want it either really.

Yes, I think you should throw everything at it.

Not deciding, is deciding.

i know it’s scary. Just give it one year, 2026, and then you can say you gave it everything.

Thank you so much for your reply. And thanks to everyone else who responded too!

I am so glad I posted. All the different opinions have really helped me and this morning I sat down with my DH and we had a long chat about it all. We decided that we will indeed throw everything at it in 2026- eat well, more sport, no/ very little drink to improve both swimmers and both of our fitness, dry January and sign up to the gym- we will try next year and if no joy then put it behind us once and for all and make peace with it- and above all continue to enjoy our lovely DC, and the great life, we have. We also decided though that we definitely will not do IVF or similar as my DH is very reluctant and I don't think I actually want to do it.

Thank you all so very much and have a wonderful Christmas time.

This was just what I needed!! Thank you!

I was in a similar situation. I got pregnant the first month I used preseed. You've nothing to lose by giving that a go.

This is painful op.
Have you heard about Brazil nuts, selenium and sperm?
Check it out.
3 or 4 nuts a day can make a huge difference to sperm health in men within a few months.
Give it a try.
It gave me my children.
Good luck.

I am unable to have children. I would be devastated if my husband secretly resented me for something I can do for nothing about.

It is bad enough being the one at fault without someone resenting you for it.

Hi, thank you so much for your advice. That's astonishing and definitely will try that!

Oh did you! Thank you. I will give it a go. Would you actually mind linking this? There are a few products with very similar names and I am unsure which it is!

There's a lot men can do to improve sperm health, cooler showers, no underwear, decent supplement, phone away from that part of their body, exercise. It Start with an Egg by Rebecca Fett has a chapter for men. If he has tried all of this I'd see he's done the best he could move past the resentment a bit easier

It was such a long time ago I'm afraid, I wouldn't recognise the branding. I'm fairly sure I saw it discussed here recently, so if you do a search that might give you some more information