To secretly resent husband for this?

[shouldntbeaskingthis]

I am actually embarrassed to ask this as my DH is a lovely man. We have one child, conceived after about 2 years of infertility as I have a prolactinoma, and also- what we thought at the time- was "mild" male infertility. Our DC is the light of our life and we love them so very much, and the three of us really have a lovely life together.

Fast forward to now, we have tried for several years to have a second DC but no such luck. We've had all the tests going, and now I seem to be okay fertility-wise (though admittedly I am 38 years old now), but my DH sperm count has now gone very low and much worse than a few years ago. I cannot help myself but to be very upset about this and I have noticed I kind of find faults with him (his appearance, not being sporty enough, receding hairline etc)) but it probably comes down to me secretly thinking it's his "fault" that we cannot have another, which I do realise is awful. We cannot really do IVF because of the prolactinoma (and the hormones that go with it, which could be dangerous to the tumour), the cost of it etc and adoption isn't an option either so really there is nothing I can do.

Any advice on how to get past this??

Oh well if it's in aibu then I guess it's fine for people to twist the knife then since she asked for it.

I think it's very hard. We both struggled when we realised it was male factor. DH was less bothered about having second child but hated the idea he was depriving me of one. We were super lucky and did get pregnant so there is hope. You still have some time.

I think you could also reframe it as maybe you both have some fertility issues (age for example). It's very hard but I think the strong desire does also pass once you age out of the age where you can have children still.

Agree! Why are people being so horrible to someone suffering from infertility, which is very, very hard and can have very complex emotions attached. She's presumably telling an anonymous forum this because she doesn't want to upset her husband in real life.

When you are angry at the unfairness of life, it is much easier to be angry at a person. Expecially someone intimately involved in the unfairness. That's my experience.

Yes, your resentment is unreasonable. Others have pointed out why and I think you already knew anyways.

But we all have unreasonable feelings - it's part of being human. Having those feelings doesn't make you a bad person or mother or wife. The important thing is that you recognize "Those feelings aren't reasonable or fair. It's ok to have feelings like that but they're mine to accept and work through, not his fault or his responsibility to fix." This is the type of thing that a short run of counseling can really help with; it can give you a safe place to talk through those feelings without hurting your husband or marriage.

I also wonder if part of your resentment is actually because your DH has been able to accept your shared fertility struggles (I think this is the most helpful descriptor) and the size of your family and you're not there yet. Again, that's not his fault, but it's very normal and human to long for some company in our difficult feelings and to even feel jealous that they're finding the contentment we want to find as well.

Sounds a lot like it is your fault you can’t have IVF. Those in glass houses etc.

I had a friend's husband who had very low sperm count - in order to have their kids he was on drugs for a year to increase it before the IVF (they now have 2 kids) - is it worth looking into solutions for him instead of you? I do think you need to find a way not to blame your husband and to be happy about your one child though - resenting him is obviously not the right approach.

People with emotional intelligence can post with sensitivity, whatever the board. Being unpleasant isn’t compulsory on AIBU, however many seem to think it is.

Thank you all..I've had a pretty rough day yesterday as it was the school nativity and there were plenty of new babies and I've just been really sad that I will probably never hold another baby of mine..that all the most exciting moments are probably behind me and that my son won't have a sibling . To those suggesting therapy, I've actually started a couple of times in the past, but I didn't find it helpful - it changed none of my feelings of not being quite done yet.

That yearning won’t necessarily go away, even if you manage to get pregnant with twins. I had 4 babies, very easily and by the time I was 28 I was DONE. Between 35 and 41, the raging hormones meant that I was a broody mess and I actually resented my DH for getting a vasectomy (a I got agreed with!). Hormonal urges and briskness is a very very strong natural instinct and mine just suddenly vanished one day and then the hot flushes started within weeks. I am so very very glad I didn’t have any more kids and I’m still shook by how my entire being felt controlled by that urge to have a baby ( even though I’d already had 4!).

The most exciting bits are definitely not behind you! You have years ahead of watching your little one develop their personality and little quirks. While the newborn stage can be lovely, the real parenting journey is helping them to become well rounded adults. Sitting, having a discussion with your growing teen and still getting hugs before bedtime is just as magical as when their little arms are wrapped around your neck. It's different but no less wonderful or magical

@GreenGodiva I used to wake up many mornings in those years dreaming I was pregnant, it was quite relentless for awhile. Hormones can play horrible tricks with our minds

You answered yourself. You are being outrageously unreasonable based upon this.

some people never manage to have a child at all. You have one. Embrace that and enjoy the time you are able to give and the added enrichment for that one that he/she wouldn’t get with a sibling

At the moment you are missing the joy of this child yearning for another. Just remember if you drive your husband away you could end up having your child 50/50 or less

This is so interesting, that you were still broody despite having 4 children. Thank you for your perspective!!

So there are loads of reasons, not just your husbands ‘fault’.

You have nothing to lose by doing more
investigating into IVF, it’s easy blame him but I get the feeling you are terrified to go through it all, and have a million and one reasons not to, that’s understandable, but don’t blame your husband.

Ouch. Yes, that's an excellent point. I might have to work on being a better wife....

This is harsh but absolutely correct.

I have no children due to my husband being infertile. IVF failed and I have had to come to terms with never being a mother, despite me being fertile and able to conceive naturally if I was with someone else.

I will not pretend there wasn’t times when I resented having to go through ivf due to my husband being infertile but I don’t resent HIM, just his infertility. Which hurt his heart a lot more than it hurt mine that he couldn’t give me children.

If you love your husband and you have a happy life with your child then you need to get over this and be grateful for what you have.
Counselling is probably a good idea.

This is not me trying to take away from how you feel, infertility is fucking awful and you are allowed to feel how you feel, but do not let it steal more from you than it has to, it may take away you being able to have a second child but don’t let it steal your happiness at having one and a husband you love.

Yeah, pretty much a waste of time at 38. My husbands idiot GP suggested this, always awkward when you know a lot more than the “professionals” as l was also 38 at the time

I also just always thought that as it happened once surely it'll just happen again.....rather than looking into all options sooner!

We had exactly this issue, took two years to concieve DC2, similair ages, DH sperm count very low. I don't want to peddle false hope but I got pregnant the first month we used preseed. It's certainly worth a go

Congratulations on both your children :) Hmmm... we have been trying for 4 years and I am losing hope really and wonder if it would be better if I just made peace with the lovely family I have. Can you link preseed? Sorry to ask but there are so many similar sounding ones out there!

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said its hard to live with the uncertainty. Maybe in resenting him you have something to focus on and blame rather than sit fully in the uncertainty.

You said therapy didn't help change how you feel. I think the real benefit of therapy can be learning to accept what we feel.
Infertility is such a hard one because it usually means you are holding multiple feelings at once - not least hope alongside grief, seemingly incompatible feelings.
I'd consider therapy again, with someone who specialises in infertility.

emotions and feelings around fertility can be extremely complex and irrational. I kindly suggest OP that you see a psychologist before you damage your relationship beyond repair. I would also suggest moving this thread to a different section.

Well cheers for that. I can't really help how I feel.