For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

These all count as Domestic Violence in my opinion. Yes your parents need to explain why they felt entitled to treat you like that and what they are going to do to make it up to you. If they won't then they shouldn't expect much from you going forward.

If they're still behaving like cunts, which OP's parents clearly are, then yes.

It takes years to build up to NC - it’s not a whim

the adult child would have been trying to communicate, rectify and make better until they are blue in the face

it really is a last resort and very tragic and sad for all involved

and In reality it will be the parents starting the NC by dismissing gaslighting and ignoring needs - that literally is having no reasonable contact..

adult children are left with no other choice

Absolutely.

I chose to go NC with my mum because her awful treatment of me as a child didnt just stop when I was too big for her to hit me, it carried on throughout my adult life…. The put downs, the criticisms, the emotional blackmail, the manipulation, the silent treatment, always making me feel like I was walking on eggshells around her, always feeling like I owed her, always feeling like I was only worthy of her attention if I towed her line etc.

For most adults who choose to go NC, if there was physical abuse as a child, that’s usually just the tip of the iceberg.

A loving parent doesn’t physically harm their child but then be a perfectly ‘normal’ parent in all other ways, there are usually many disturbing aspects of that parent’s personality lurking behind the violence.

Adult children who choose to go NC are usually those who have suffered decades of continued poor treatment from generally dysfunctional parents, not people who go NC because they suffered from infrequent acts of punishment as a child from otherwise loving parents.

No i absolutely love food. I train gym 4 x per week. Have good muscle structure and had a dexa scan recently that showed all my bone density, visceral fat, arteries etc are all really in good condition.

You couldnt be more wrong. In fact my own child represented GB in her sport so i have sat in on countless diet advice sessions with my child and her understanding of how to fuel her body is amazing.

Just because someone showed me discipline when i was a child because i was wasting food/money doesnt mean it made me unhealthy. It gave me an appreciation of value of food and it taught me to do as my parents told me. Without actually hurting me.....

My mum used to grab my sisters and I by the hair ans bash our heads together when we argued - or if one was naughty their head was bashed into a wall. I sometimes have dreams where I am doing similar to my own kids and wake horrified (I've never had even a small inkling to hit/smack my kids for anything)

Well it has hurt you because you think violence against children is normal.

I was raised in the sixties all the above plus the use of my father's belt. My husband wasn't belted.

My children were raised in the 80's . I had no idea it was still going on. Mine were sent to their rooms but never missed a meal. They said dad was strict but he never laid a hand on them.

I'm sorry anyone still suffered this treatment.

I finally went NC aged 50. My brothers much earlier. It's very healing but expect repercussions.

No, you keep using the word violence, i use the word discipline. Discipline can take many forms, just as violence can.

In the eating example i was not touched once. No slipper, no belt, nothing. It was made clear to me that i was wasting food and i would not be getting anything more until i ate it. That set a clear message of this situation PLUS it also gave me the realisation that if something was said, that would be the case.

So i realised that if my mum served me something for dinner, i ate it. Some things i didnt like but thats hardly child abuse. It gave me a real appreciation of what was on my plate and i have tried to pass that on to my own children.

Have i disciplined my children (Both adults now), yes. Have i ever used a belt or a slipper, no i havent but they have had a smacked bum in the past. I am extremely proud of the people they have become. They work hard, are intelligent and grounded. I would prefer this to the happy clappy brigade or the just plain lazy parents with their feral offspring who are all self diagnosing SEN issues because no one can now control their kids. I feel sorry for the people who genuinely do have SEN children because their fight is getting drowned by these lazy parents.

Exactly. I think if you are raising it OP there is unfinished business and you may not find the validation you seek here.
Mine were also awful and yet will never, ever be able to see that. I would suggest a therapist. The more you ask total strangers, the more you may feel you have to justify how you feel. If they made you feel unhappy you are well within your rights to feel that without anyone trying to tell you differently! A therapist would help you sort your feelings around it all whether or not you confront your parents. I have done alot of letter writing ceremonies, ones that I will never post..

If you did that in most other countries it would be a criminal offence.

My kids aren't adults yet but they're bright, sociable, kind, well behaved, all that, and I haven't had to hit them ever to make it happen.

I didn't smack my children or force them to eat food that they didn't like. I was born in the late 1950s and my parents had lived through the 2nd World War with rationing but I wasn't made to eat food that I disliked either.

My three children are all adults with good jobs. They don't hit their children or force feed them food that they dislike either. Using violence and threats towards your children is lazy parenting and is more likely to produce less well adjusted children.

Exactly

Patrick teahan (he’s great on YouTube - he is recovered from childhood trauma and is NC) says on average it can take around 30 years to go no contact - I definitely see it as my parents choice because they didn’t want to hear me - I wanted us to find a way forward without blame - a place where we could all be valued

OP it would be good for you to look at Patrick Teahan - he’s really helped me

Oh gosh yeah I’ve had them all - repercussions

One of the sadness is that you can end up losing contact with siblings as a catalyst sometimes - that’s certainly happened to me - just because it becomes harder to see them and people are divided - I’m estranged from my entire family and I feel sad about it ever y day but I have to choose my mental health and being who I am and not who they want me to be which makes me depressed

I do think it was common then but don’t think it was right. Your parents sound rather extreme as well, if they were arranging a set time to hit you each week without you actually having done anything wrong- that’s fucking warped and bizarre behaviour. It’s one of those things, easily admissible if you just say “everyone did it back then” but equally abhorrent- kind of like homophobia or racism. I also think people knew it was probably wrong but did it anyway.

My mum washed my brother’s mouth out with soap in the mid 00s. He was about 7/8 and had told her to fuck off. I don’t know if it worked or if he swore again but do distinctly remember her doing it. My step-dad regularly beat me in the 00s so way outside of the ‘acceptable’ era imo. When I say beat, I mean hit me so hard and so many times I struggled to breathe. I don’t recall my friends saying their parents hit them. My mum let him do it and I never forgave her for that.

I remember having to wear knitted tights to hide the welts and it really hurting to sit down in lessons because the belting was from my buttocks down to my calves.

Oh darling that’s heartbreaking ❤️‍🩹

My parents did things that wouldn’t be allowed now - yelling at me over nothing then telling me I was to sensitive when I bawled most notably - emotional abuse by today’s standards. But it was 40+ years ago I’m probably lucky they didn’t ever smack me because I think smacking was still allowed back then.

Another thing is being unsupervised as a child. I thought I was on a tight leash at the time because I wasn’t allowed out beyond the end of the road withhold permission (which I usually got if I asked and said where I was going) 🤔

It stopped when I was around 14. I must have looked too odd in granny stockings. And I moved to a school with compulsory showers after games.

Similar age. This broadly describes my experience too. Some of my friends started having children in the middle to late 80s and they didn't parent at all as described by OP. Maybe it was the norm for some, but if so, that was certainly abusive.

See, I don't give a toss what time you lived in or how hobble and tebble your own upbringing was. You do this to a child, you're a piece of shit.

I personally know kids who's mum did this too. It wasn't unusual, but how absolutely awful.

bashing a child's head into a wall should surely be an arrestable offence