For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

OP was abused. You may have suffered much worse abuse but you are wrong to belittle and minimise OP's experiences. Her mother in particular sounds deeply unpleasant and she enjoyed inflicting pain on her daughter.

She did not live a pretty good life. Who are you to belittle her experience of her mum's physical punishments and psychological abuse by postponing the punishments to the end of the day so that OP would feel scared and anxious all day.

Your personal lived experience has turned you into someone with no empathy.

90s child here. I was smacked (not hard) when I was naughty or cheeky. One of my best friends, also a 90s child, had her mouth washed out with soap multiple times by her dad. I went to primary school with a girl whose head was shaved when she had nits.

I had my children in the 90s and what you and your peers endured wasn’t normal.

You need to take some posters with a pinch of salt. There will be people who had generally loving and kind parents who occasionally smacked their child as it was considered common practise. This is a very different experience to parents who weren’t generally kind and loving to their child, and instead created a consistently hostile environment. You have to look at your own experiences and your own feelings to judge what’s right in your circumstances.

Just to clarify, in your neighbourhood mothers counted out how many smacks you all were due when your dads came home, then sat and watched you all get battered as some weird form of entertainment?

I agree. It’s not appropriate to apply today’s standards to past situations and then not talk about it, avoid it and go NC. It’s very black and white thinking.

I would say they were you parens - strict ones. imagine if things were left as is and let kids do how these days they do, you would be the same. you said you were obidient because your upbringing was strict. Sometimes I feel the old style should be back again so the kids can be taught manners the way should be respecting people.
interesting bit is if a child commits a crime, the school and the law says parents should look after the kids and team them values, yes but sometimes light smacking can bring the child into discipline mode.
let it go i would say, but yes it does mean it was right. but was right at the time of the need to keep the kids off the street. best is to speak to them and let them know how you feel, if that will make you feel a bit lighter.
my 2 cents.

Sometimes I feel the old style should be back again so the kids can be taught manners the way should be respecting people.

Yes, slapping people is such good manners!

No I probably can't imagine how OP feels which is why I posted in the way I did? But it was OP that posted to a person who said her parents were kind even if she was smacked occasionally which is why I said there is nuance. Maybe there isn't in her circumstances. But that's her decision to make.

We can definitely make a judgement on info given - no nuance

smacking and forcing soap into a child’s mouth when they haven’t done anything is abuse

it says smack, not slap, they are different.,

Hopefully you and the woman you’re giving parenting “advice” to don’t live in one of the 62 countries where hitting children is a criminal offence?

No they’re not. Do you smack your wife?

NW on a social housing estate

u mean husband? :)

Just to clarify, absolutely yes. I personally wasn't given the you will get 4 smacks sentence etc, but I am telling you that yes, I heard that in my neighbourhood. Is that a crime now, I'm saying it was not at all uncommon, even if you can't comprehend that

No they fucking aren't, and even if they were, neither would be good manners.

Anyone? Or is it just children?

Depends where you live.

I grew up in the 80s. None of this happened to me.

OP's parents weren't just 'strict'. They were cruel and sadistic. They obviously took pleasure from physically hurting and psychologically abusing OP. Her mum sounds like a sadist and, hopefully, OP will cut contact with her parents who can reflect on their behaviour during their lonely old age.

Then it’s still legal 😔

Nope. I was very well behaved and am successful in my life and I was never smacked or even punished. I was respected and rewarded for good behaviour. Smacking is lazy parenting.

I'm not saying you shouldn't... but I would be very careful with trying to judge the past using the ethics of the present.

Imagine in 40 years, your own child comes to you and says "Mum, you abused me as a child, and now I'm cutting contact!"

Of course right now, you think you are doing everything right, and of course you are not abusing him. But you have no idea how morality and ethics will change in the next 40 years. There is every chance that something we do now, will be considered "abuse" then.

Would you feel that was fair? or would you feel resentful because you did your best based on the world/situation around you.

A generally good set of guidance is:

If someone was considered "bad" in their own time, then we can condemn them E.g. Hitler was not celebrated during his own period, he was hated and considered unethical then as well as now.

If someone was considered "good" in their own time, but now times have changed and we know they were wrong, then we don't condemn or judge them personally, but we do acknowledge that their actions weren't right.