For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Having spoken to my cousins about it recently, I think it depended on the culture of the school and the headteacher. I also wonder if religion might have been a factor. My teachers were all horrible bullies, but would have been through very harsh school systems themselves.
I don’t think many people are telling the OP to get over it. Rather, as we have had the same experiences as her, we know that the answer to the actual question she asked - whether she should confront her parents - is that it is probably better not to for her sake, as she’s unlikely to get any resolution. Parents that didn’t see the cruelty in what they were doing, or didn’t have any independent thought to parent outside the norms of their times, are unlikely to have much power of reflection now.

I was born late 90’s and had all of that done to me as a child. Only from one parent though. Think they were just parenting how they were parented. It did affect me through my childhood/teens, I was pretty unhappy. I don’t ever really think about it now. Our relationship can be strained at times, not due to my childhood - but we generally get on. I would never EVER dream of doing the same to my own child though.

Some parents do learn from their mistakes, though, my DM did. The subject came up naturally in the context of her occasionally looking after my DDs. She had no difficulty accepting that smacking us had been wrong, which has made my relationship with her easier, though still problematic.

I think It helped that my F was no longer around, as he was the main abuser (and looking back I can see that he was abusive towards her too).

You are nice and aggressive about fathers failings in the past but you offer no comment on parenting standards these days. We are over run with ferral youth and ADHD/SEN kids who are uncontrollable.

Your gentle parenting is whats caused it and its YOUR parenting style that going to come under more and more scrutiny in the future.

Parents need to bring discipline back in. That doesnt mean physically hurting them before you start hyperventilating.

We are over run with ferral youth and ADHD/SEN kids who are uncontrollable.

Where are you? I'm not overrun with kids with additional needs at all. What form does this overrunning take? And you appear to be suggesting that the cure for these conditions is "discipline", that is, the belt? I almost want to laugh. Parents of ND children, you want to comment on this? Belt the SEN out of your kids, hmm? Do you hear yourself?

There are bad parents today for sure, but they're not bad because they're not beating children with belts, having failed to keep matches out of the kids' reach until the kids were old enough to be trusted around them. The idea that all the wrongs of today could be corrected by hitting children with fucking belts is lazy, authoritarian, abusive, Neanderthal, totally debunked by decades of research and just plain ridiculous. If belts created such brilliant and well adjusted people, how come they raised this apparently useless and feral generation? Besides, it has long been well established that the kids who were the most violent and worse behaved back in the day were very likely to be the ones getting hit the most at home. This should surprise nobody.

Hitting is for lazy authoritarians because it gets immediate, short term compliance out of fear, no reason or long term strategy required and certainly no longer term modelling of the behaviour you want (which is the biggest way you can parent; don't want to bring up angry violent kids? Don't hit them because you're angry, genius). Zero effort or accountability for the parent plus the satisfaction of venting themselves and telling themselves they've done something. No self reflection, no effort, no natural consequences, no positive reinforcement, no long term strategy. Of course you wouldn't ever think of these things when your thought process has been stunted by a pain and humiliation based method.

If belts created such brilliant and well adjusted people, how come they raised this apparently useless and feral generation? Besides, it has long been well established that the kids who were the most violent and worse behaved back in the day were very likely to be the ones getting hit the most at home. This should surprise nobody.

Why is pupil violence at an all time high despite the fact they were less likely to be smacked as kids than ever? Genuinely curious

I grew up in the 90s and my mum hit me every time i did something wrong. I was sent to bed without food too. I complied out of fear.

Computer games

Might be something else going on? Was it just the children your dad was violent with?

So it gave you food issues?

Why were you acting out like that?

I‘m sorry for all of you.

Well, that is exactly the thing, isn’t it. Punishments and bribes act same way, as Alfie Kohn says it’s “do this and you’ll get that”. It produces compliance. Obedient little workers.

Most parents would say that they want their child to be open, curious, confident, independent and all those lovely qualities. In practice, what they want is just compliance. And they’re happy if that’s what they get. Good children.

Children learn hitting, it’s not a natural response imo.

LoL it was every generation of people from as long as is remembered, passed down and passed on. You are too sympathetic for zero reason. A therapist will help if you need it

I was born in 1963. I was never hit. Hence why I have never needed a therapist. The violence certainly never taught you good communication skills. It taught you to cruel.

Ive never been hit.
Ive also never been cruel.
You are seeing things that aren't there.
I can communicate effectively, I just dont see trauma in things that aren't traumatic.

You just were cruel. You told me I need to see a therapist.

You are seeing things that aren't there. I said and I quote " A therapist will help you if you need it"
That is a statement.
If I were telling you to do something the sentence would have used an order word like for example " Go and see a therapist" or "Make an appointment with a therapist"
Neither of which I would have said, because its none of my buisness!
But its really interesting that me even mentioning a therapist has you lashing out and thinking im cruel.

I don’t “think” you’re cruel…

This thread shows how fucked up our culture is.

Gabor Mate said life as an infant in Europe in the 1970s was hell. He was right.

The widespread abuse of children is so messed up and we're so messed up we don't even see it.

Imagine you went to a friend's house and they demanded you ate the pasta they cooked and when you didn't they served it up cold for you the next morning? On what fucking planet would that sadism be OK.

You are correct, very few on this thread will disagree with you, but the question is, should everyone just cut all ties with anyone from their childhood? Should we all just live in a newly blown bubble? Should we hold our parents, grandparents, great grandparents, accountable for everything they ever did, even though it was completely normal and mainstream behaviour of the time? I personally don't think we should. Learning new and better ways is the best and healthiest way to move on.

A shepherd rod stops the sheep in line, not for beating the sheep,

.those who quite spare the rod etc from the bible would do well to remember elsewhere in the Bible where Thy rod and staff they comfort me, nobody would be comforted by something used to beat them. Elsewhere in that same bible quoted by some we have this description if how a shepherd treats his sheep
He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, And carry them in His bosom, And gently lead those who are with young.

Not sure, I was 3 years earlier, and I was in infants, not sure what age that is, but it was only infant 1 or 2 because the school shut and I had to move school, im 50 odd now its a long time ago, but I remember that school, the room, the desks were the lift up ones, but not the teacher strangely enough! My mum was absolutely livid when she came to pick me up. Never got hit again at school, that was the only time. I remember the teacher explaining that I was lucky the cane had been banned, and it was only the ruler; mum didnt take that well!

Repeating the interpretation with more detail doesn't address my point that it is a new interpretation and a contested one.

The word used for rod is one that has multiple meanings, including as a shepherd's staff and as a weapon. The interpretation of it in this verse as meaning an instrument of physical chastisement has a long and wide history and can't be dismissed because this one fits in better with modern sensibilities.