For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Smacking was considered an acceptable form of discipline by some and yes, it was legal. But the OP’s parents did more than that, they were sadistic with their ‘discipline’, timing it and watching each other hurting their daughter. They washed her mouth out with soap and water and deprived her of food.

They were definitely abusive!

She can do both surely?

Yes and the two eras of behaviour are probably linked

I can’t believe people diminishing OPs experience

This.
While not right, you could talk to them. If they didn't know another way, ask if they now recognise it was wrong, and go from there

Same.

Read the OPs posts.

I once tried to talk to my Mother
She rolled her eyes at me
🤷‍♀️

Not unheard of and not illegal. Still very damaging to the child. I am trying to address OPs question about whether to call them out on it, and how.

Thats the problem. In my experience it's fairly unusual for parents to get the point and sincerely apologise in these situations.

yes because they would then have to process feelings of guilt..

Im still surprised parents would rather not see their children then do this..so sad - that’s the situation with my parents and I’ve presented it even in a non blame way

Yes I suppose if they were people who were capable of self reflection they wouldn't have been the type to deal out excessive smacking etc in the first place!

It wasn’t abusive at the time.
washing mouth out with soap….. that also happened at school
withholding food as punishment……,. That also happened at school
being hit with something…… again it happened at school.
all perfectly everyday occurrences.

I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused at that time. You weren’t Op.

In 30/40 years when the damaging effects of devices on the developing brain are regarded as a form of neglect and abuse all the parents of today will then be saying but everyone did it. It was normal!!

We were born in the late 50s. I was smacked on the back of my legs by my mother on occasion. At my secondary school in the 70s, pupils were hit by the odd teacher; and boys got the cane.

DH said his mother had a wooden spoon, she threatened the children with - but he could only recall her actually using it once, when she was really angry about something, one of them had done. At his secondary school, teachers used to throw blackboard rubbers at pupils for misbehaving in class.

Neither DH nor I ever thought anything of it. We just accepted it as normal.

Washing a child’s mouth out with soap was an expression around then, but I don’t recall ever hearing of it being done in real life!

I read and responded to the post. I don't read drips

Even if it wasn’t illegal, what kind of parent actually willingly inflicts physical pain on their child?

It’s not about whether it was legal or not, it’s about what kind of parent (and person) it makes you if you are prepared to do that to a child you claim to love, and who you should be hardwired to protect.

Because that’s not love.

Any adult who can beat and physically harm their child is fucking disgusting in my eyes, legal or not.

You seem awfully invested in blaming the OP for her abuse.

Then you must be comfortable with making an arse of yourself.

I think lots of childhoods would be classed as abuse but times have changed - for the better I may add . I was smacked and threatened with being smacked, I did not have the soap in my mouth but know of others that had . So I do feel what you are saying was done by many parents at that time .
As for asking do you tell them or reduce contact - no one can answer that it’s up to you.
Looking back I believe my parents did the best they knew how at the time - I don’t believe calling them out now as an adult serves any purpose. How are you parents with your children? My parents would not dream of lifting a hand to their grandchildren, they are great grandparents.

Why am i an arse? I do not respond to drips. And quite honestly if the OP thinks that was abuse, she was living a pretty good life. Yeah it wasn't ideal, but absolutely normal in my personal, lived experience and that of our whole neighbourhood

The sound hugely abusive.
I think stepping away from them will do you and your children the world of good.

It's tragic. Perhaps they can't afford to seriously consider that they may have harmed their children.

Read the posts! She was punished when she hadn’t done anything!!

a sea of difference between light (or not) smacking in the moment

I’m sorry you had to go through this, apparently physical punishment is less traumatising if it is an experience shared with your peers - there’s less shame involved when it feels normalised. I don’t think it’s ok though but I do understand not everyone feels the same way.

Where did you live ?

Then you miss a lot of relevant information and your responses are worthless.