For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Its how it was - Generations were raised on

• Spare the rod spare the child
• Wait until I get you home
• Wait until your dad gets home

Corporate punishment wasn’t banned until the late 90’s

Was I hit as a child - absolutely- but that was a common punishment at the time. Would I ever hit a child - absolutely not

My mother never, never once objected to what he did

We are very familiar with the men who put their relationships ahead of their children and the forms this takes. I do wonder, though, if we are also suitably aware of the way that many women do the same thing by not leaving the man who abuses their children... very often even claiming that they can't leave because he is "a great dad".

Agree with this - your feelings are valid whatever they are

It's insane to me that so many people on this thread are defending the OP's parents because of various cultural norms at the time, as though inflicting pain and fear on a child (not to mention your own child) isn't intuitively awful regardless of cultural norms.

From what the OP has described, her parents dished out unnecessary and excessive physical punishments and seemed to enjoy inflicting terror on her. They should absolutely be out of her and her children's lives - they do not deserve contact. Simple as that.

OP, please seek professional counselling if you are able to. You were abused and what you suffered wasn't/isn't/never will be normal.

Whipping dogs and horses used to be 'acceptable' too and sadly I think some of those on here would sooner accept that the mistreatment of animals was always 'abuse', even when it wasn't recognised as such, than they would accept the existence of historical child abuse.

By your own admission you were only smacked twice in your life and your mum regrets it - that gives you a very different perspective - much easier to live and let live as your post suggests

can you really imagine how OP feels - you are coming from a different place - it’s easier to come from your place with no history of abuse - ops parents saved up the abuse and smacked her and washed out her mouth with soap when she hadn’t committed any misdemeanours

Completely dismissive

You are contradicting yourself about how it was fine

A poster has been on to explain spare the rod means the rod of instruction not the rod of bearings

I I was a child in the 70s and smacked by a mother who told me as an adult that it had been the hardest and most painful 'duty' she had performed as a parent. She was not unkind or abusive, but had somehow come to believe 'spare the rod and spoil the child', and if she didn't teach me to be good my life would be the worse for it.
So, I do think when we are judging past generations, we need to keep in the messages they recieved and what they genuinely thought they were achieving by their actions. Because many parents who used physical punishment may well have taken abusive actions, but were not by nature abusers.
There were also of course those who used their societally sanctioned, largely unchecked, power to indulge their anger, dominance and cruelty, for their own benefit.
Your knowledge of your parents characters overall will be your best guide to which group they were in.

That definitely rings a bell! My DM says that she always knew that my F smacked us too hard and claims that she stopped him from doing so. If she did, she left it late, as it went on until I was at least 10!

She also never said to us when we were children that he was wrong to do this. She always backed him. Which also made it less likely that we would speak up about the other things going on.

Surprised at the responses on here! I would say that was definitely considered abusive in the 90s.

Arranging to hit someone at a certain time - not just on the spur of the moment - is shocking to me. I was a teen in the 90s, for context, and a child in the 80s. That’s extreme to me.

Washing your mouth out - I think for deliberately saying a swearword yes it was a think (although not done to me) but not for asking what something meant.

So you think she should call the police, do you?

This is it.

Posters keep saying my loving parents hit me occasionally etc... well no my mum used to take delight in hitting us. We were hit with wooden spoons by a mum who was and still is a horrible person. We were young when this began, pre-school.

Somehow she stopped as we got bigger...

I have never hit my children and never desired to. It's a choice and always was.

By the time I had my first child in 1990, attitudes to smacking had definitely changed from my own childhood. It was seen as best avoided with preference for punishment like isolation (the naughty step). There were exceptions for a sharp slap on the hand if it was to teach a child not to touch something dangerous for example. And it wasn't unknown for parents to lash out at the end of their tether with bad behaviour and not be judged for it. It was long gone from schools (we were smacked on the bottom in infants school, with a slipper in junior school, and boys were caned on their hands in my first few years at senior school) but a lot of people were of the 'it does no harm' thinking. I'd have been surprised to hear of a fellow 90s parent acting as the OPs did though.

That's a modern and heavily contested interpretation.

Or their response now that it's known to be a shitty and dangerous technique. "I'm sorry, we thought it was for the best" or even, "I'm sorry, I failed to control myself" are one thing. "You deserved it", "I couldn't help myself", "Didn't do you any harm", "How dare you suggest I was wrong", "You were lucky it wasn't worse" and all that - those people can continue fucking off.

I know that. But it does make sense. It comes from Proverbs, which is wisdom literature and never intended to be a manual for parenting.

I agree, the rod is about guidance and a warning about what neglect does.

That’s your solution not mine 😊

I think it was not Indian in the 70s, teachers regularly hit kids, parents too. I think by the 90s we were definitely questioning it. I told my mother I would not be hitting my kids - she told me I’d ruin them. Dh at that stage thought hitting was ok if they did something dangerous but he agreed not to. Years later my mum talked about other people hitting kids like it was abuse - she had chosen to pretend she didn’t hit us. My mother never apologised for anything, it wasn’t who she was, she expected thanks and gratitude and nothing less.

It sounds horrible OP and must have had a big effect on you. But it wasn't illegal at the time or categorised as 'abuse'. Smacking was still quite a common way of disciplining children.
What you say to your parents depends on what outcome you are looking for. You could tell them that you had a horrible, violent childhood because you simply want them to know that's that's how you feel, whatever their opinion is. But if you want them to feel ashamed or apologetic, you may not get that - in fact you may trigger more unpleasant behaviour from them.
As for the present, you can certainly say 'Please don't talk to me like that,' or 'What a nasty thing to say to your daughter' as often as needed.

I’m from the 79’s/80’s childhood. My parents were considered very strict by my friends. We got smacked but it was usually instant- not a set time with both watching. Never had mouth washed out with soap but was sent to bed without tea. I was smacked very hard by a teacher when I was in reception. I can’t get my head around that at all now I’m an adult.
if you want to bring it up then you should. I’ve forgiven my mother. She did plenty of good stuff to cancel out the bad.

Then judge them for how they are NOW, instead of harking back to the past. 🤷‍♀️

Was timed and watched smacking common?

Btw it’s still legal in England and NI.