For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

So sorry 😞

DH often threatens a trip to Spittal beach for DC if they misbehave as smacking is still legal in England. He never means it but jokes about it when they're being wee toerags.

Actually tho
This has taken me back to school ...so first year of secondary school ,so 1984 .
The PE teacher would use climbing ropes to hit the open hands of any child misbehaving in PE .
And I remember the board rubber ,so a wooden block ,being thrown across the room toward the head of someone talking
I also remember the teacher who stood on the desk with a ruler,and jumped down using the force of the jump as extra force to hit a child's hands ..
I was 11 when I saw this in class

Agreed. Although my DM still reveres the memory of both her parents, who died when she was 10. Her father, who was elderly, used to hit her with a strap and her mum with a broom. (I don't know how regularly.) She thinks she had a close relationship with them.

But then, she also minimises the CSA she went through at the hands of her uncle, who together with her aunt brought her up after her parents died. She sometimes speaks fondly about him, which my DSis and I never do about my F. I admit I don’t get it.

I mean, it's your life. If you feel that you needed to address this situation to bring about some closure, then who am I to say you're wrong?

What I will say that we're all on this earth for the first time. Sometimes, we act poorly out of frustration, or just because we don't know what to do. I was smacked literally twice in my life, and I wouldn't say my mum was not kind because of that. I'd say that my behaviour pushed her over the edge. I know she always regretted it.

We're all a product of our backgrounds, and if your background was abusive, then by all means cut them out of your life, especially if they continue to be dismissive. I just personally think there is nuance around a lot of disciplinary techniques and have learned to give grace where it is deserved.

Some people just cannot fuck their families off, even if they really should. Very often, it's easier for them to fuck off the sibling or aunt or family friend who called it what it was and doesn't accept it, deciding they're just nuts or a troublemaker, than to accept that their own parent really was a total shit to them.

Why did you do it different with your own children?

didn’t you want to build their character in the same way?

It’s still a choice to go with the culture

You both have no understanding of what we are talking about

Well for me it's abuse. You shouldn't have gone through that and you have every right to feel the way you do and call them out on it.

I'm in my 40s, grew up middle class, and my siblings (who are all in their 50s) and I didn't suffer any physical abuse from our parents, nor were our mouths washed out with soap. I spent a lot of time at friends' houses and saw nothing like this.
DP is in his 50s, grew up working class, and him and his siblings suffered none of this type of abuse either, nor did any of his friends to his knowledge.

I don't think saying 'it was common in the 60s/70s/80s' justifies parents abusing their children. There were plenty of parents who did NOT do this because they were good parents.

I thought the same thing - if this posters childhood is being defended

It’s very complicated, I think. Her parents died when she was very young after all, which no doubt plays a part. She hasn’t caught up since accepting that she did wrong by smacking us that her parents did wrong by her.

Then again, although she might minimise the CSA she went through from her uncle but she certainly doesn’t have the same feelings where my F is concerned. She doesn’t seem to take in the fact that what her uncle did was the worst form of betrayal after she’d been orphaned.

I think it all comes down to when you look back, did you feel loved? And do you feel loved now? If you didn't or don't, then you should be going NC. If you did, but feel your parents' disciplinary measures were awful, then I think the relationship is salvageable through frank and honest discussions with a willingness on both sides to recognise each other's point of view. Restorative justice can be much more beneficial than excommunication for all parties considered.

Op this thread won’t help you. Some people were smacked but say they didn’t suffer emotionally. You’ll get them all pouring in here berating you.

seek counselling. I’ve found that the physical abuse was bad but the intentional cruelty, judgment and verbal put downs did much more harm. It was clear to me my parent didn’t like or want me and that’s what caused me emotional harm. If he had maybe the physical punishment would have been bearable.

Unpack this in therapy. Your feelings are valid and you should engage with them whatever others think or say!

I have reflected on the question. Was it common at that time to hit children. I think what’s relevant is that domestic violence overall was ignored. The police would be called and would leave them to ‘sort their own differences’ which usually meant the women and children were defenceless. It was not seen in the same way it is today. Neighbours would look the other way. Society generally were encouraged to mind their own business, it was a private matter.

Whether it was common or not is debatable, the truth is there was very little help or support, and even law enforcers added to the problem. It was a toxic environment for some as a result, being beaten in plain sight, same with much of the sexual abuse. The days of Jimmy Saville were not the rose tinted utopia we like to think it was. Underneath all kinds of disgusting things happened to children, and they had nowhere to turn.

Sounds like pretty standard 80s parenting tbh, it doesn’t make it right but if your parents are supportive, involved grandparents I wouldn’t cut them out.

In my life those were threats not usually carried out. I was smacked occasionally by my dad (once with a belt) but punishment was dolled out at the time, I was never promised a smack later in the day.

Going to bed without tea was a threat but I don’t recall ever being sent to bed without tea.

Although these things are not great, I do think they were indicative of the time and the time they were raised and certainly wouldn’t be a reason for me to cut my parents out of my life.

Was it common? Well, I can tell you I had far worse done to me. Was it right? No, hell no. But if we all brought abuse cases against our parents, step-parents and others going back decades the police wouldn't have time to do anything else but deal with those cases.

Unfortunately, because smacking was and still is, legal, in England and NI, it wouldn’t even have been considered as domestic violence. Using fists was always illegal but, like other forms of domestic violence, often ignored. Obviously there were parents convicted, and children taken into care,

And yes, CSA was also ignored a lot of the time; my F was never convicted or shamed for what he did to us, neither was anyone else. We tried, we reported our historic abuse to the police. (My F was long dead by then, though.)

Because I didn’t agree with that way of parenting. Yes it made me who I am today but I carry a lot of resentment towards my Mum. I still do. But it was their way of parenting, the same way I have my own and my son has his. Strangely enough when my Dad was dying he asked me if I thought they were too strict. So obviously they thought they were

I don't understand the whole 'they were doing their best' 'it was advice back then'

was actually advised to assault / hit / smack / abuse the children?
and even if it was, no matter what generation or era they were in, it goes against any normal, loving parents instincts to actually cause harm, fear and pain into their children. They still chose to do it.

it is abuse OP no matter how much it's dressed up. I was born in the 90s and I was never hit, my parents were born in the 70s and my mum wasn't ever hit neither any of her siblings.
my dad was hit at school (fucking grim) but his parents never hit him or his sibling.

it's being wrapped up and excused by 'advice' back then. I cannot see a single bit of documented advice where it suggests actively assaulting your children or instilling pain and fear into them would be beneficial.

it may have been more common, it certainly wasn't right and again, does go against any decent parents instincts to do that to their poor kids. I feel sorry for anyone who has gone through this and even the ones saying it was fine back then. It's sad. You must be conditioned to it.

'Supportive' can't really go in the same sentence as assaulting children though. I wouldn't let anyone near my child if they deemed it acceptable to physically assault a child no matter their generation.

thankfully there's no violence in my family from my parents and their parents.

Then it wasn't character building, was it?

This is the contradiction that you come up against when you try to justify both your parents doing it to you and your (entirely correct) decision not to do it to your own children. It's a terrible technique, it's now known to be harmful. You don't have to pretend it somehow benefited you. Your parents were wrong to do it, seems even your father realised it, so just accept that and you don't need to try to square the circle. It also means backward twats who still hit their kids nowadays won't have these contrived, pretended benefits to jump on as an excuse.

I didn't become a happy, functioning adult until I processed what happened in my childhood and cut my parents off.

Hi OP. I grew up in the 60s and 70s and our father used to smack us so there was a red mark on our legs or arms for days. He was a bully. My resentment increased when I was a teenager and he told me that I was “too old“ now to be “smacked“. So you hit a little child, and that’s ok.

He one walloped me for something my sibling had done. He didn’t just do it once; it was a repeated thrashing. He used his hand and completely lost control. After, when he found out that my sibling had in fact done what he was punishing me for, and which in any case was a minor, minor genuine accident, he came to me and demanded that I forgive him. He used to jeer at me when I flinched away from him.

As I grew up, I came to despise and detest the man, whilst eventually understanding something of the mentality and personality that led him to do it. My mother never, never once objected to what he did, although I am fairly certain that it never went on in her house when she was growing up. This did not go on in the homes of my school friends. I remember being amazed when I was in the home of one school friend when her father returned home from work and she was actually pleased to see him. I can remember my astonishment to this day.

There’d be no point in having raised it with either parent for reasons to do with my parents’ relationship with each other and their lack of consideration towards me: it would’ve achieved nothing.

So my advice is not to raise it with your parents, but get yourself therapy and come to terms with how it has affected you. It’s immaterial whether at the time it was normal or not: what matters is how it affected you and how it affects you now.