For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

But many did. I'm not condoning. Just saying it wasn't unusual.

Do you think it was normal because this is the way you were parented?

Absolutely. I never hit mine but I did make some cock-ups, as we all did. I’ve apologised and am always open to a conversation about anything that bothers them. Nothing worse than being shut down and gaslit by your own parents.

People have to make a conscious decision to change the narrative with the next generation.

And I say it was unusual. The only difference is that people had no way of reporting the abuse in the past. Unfortunately this is still legal in England and NI.

Absolutely agree.

From Yougov 2021
Overall, the vast majority of adults (83%) say they were physically punished as children at least once. This includes one in nine (11%) punished often, another 25% punished sometimes, while 25% were punished but not very often, and 22% being punished once or twice. Around one in eight (13%) of adults say their parents or guardians never punished them physically.

I repeat, not condoning.

Which country is that from and what is the context?

Talked to friends, then and later. Observation.
Overall, the vast majority of adults (83%) say they were physically punished as children at least once. This includes one in nine (11%) punished often, another 25% punished sometimes, while 25% were punished but not very often, and 22% being punished once or twice. Around one in eight (13%) of adults say their parents or guardians never punished them physically.
Yougov 2021.

Understanding your parents lives and history is really, really helpful. You can choose to do differently.

That makes sense to me. My siblings and I were smacked often, which fits with the fact that our childhood was abusive in other ways as well. My DH was smacked occasionally, which sounds like it was more common according to that poll.

Hmm I think that your op isn't clear on what youre thinking

Smacking, washing your mouth out with soap etc was normal back then.

But being deliberately cruel, unkind, mocking and disrespectful wasnt. It sounds like youre confusing the two.

I dont agree with beating etc. But I do believe in a telling off - maybe in 20 years parenting will differ then and my dd will be a different mother

But my parenting is done with love. I love my child. I dont make fun of her, or insult her, shes the most beautiful sweet thing, even when she is driving me crazy!

When she is punished, with no cupcakes because she ran off, or wasnt listening to mummy, its not because 'shes pissed me off, so I want to spite her', its because 'she cant run off, I need to put a stop to this'. If that makes sense 😅

My point being, it sounds like your parents were(and are) deliberately unkind and cruel, rather than typical 80s parents

Yanbu to go no contact, but you have to be clear and make a choice. You cant say no contsct and then break it for a bit

Best of luck xx

Found it - It's England.

Sorry, also, mine never hit me.

Where I grew up, appreciate things for others may be different.

Yes, I'm Scotland. It's illegal here.

I have never hit my children, I don’t know anyone that ever has. I now have adult children. I have made other mistakes though, none of us are perfect. If op was my child I would welcome her thoughts on how she has been affected, and apologise to her unreservedly. I would let her tell me her experience, to get it out of her system and a chance for her to move on knowing she is loved. Knowing her feelings are valued and that her perception of her own childhood is the only one that really counts. It was her childhood after all.

It doesn’t sound like they would be too interested, and perhaps there lies the root of the issue.

Standard 80s childhood for a lot of people, that all happened to me and most of my contemporaries growing up in working class homes in the uk and none of it was illegal.

Times are different now and laws have changed to reflect this. I would never do any of that to my dc but I think you have to remember that they were doing what they thought was right and expected of them as responsible parents ie discipling their children. I can imagine my mother being horrified if I smacked one of my dc now (and it’s illegal for one!) but it’s a different society 30 odd years later. Talk to your parents about it and see what they say.

It's not illegal in England or NI.

There’s definitely a powerful argument for changing the law in England and NI. A lot of these parents being talked about are law-abiding and wouldn't have smacked their children if it had been illegal.

It also clearly changes the mindset.

Mine was shit to , early 80s ..
I'm having counselling currently.
I don't know if it was normal or not ..I was regularly slapped up to age 17 .
I left home at 18 and never went back

I really think anyone who beats a small child eith a belt is just a fucking cunt, no matter what time they're living in.

Agree.

That's nasty and cruel
Similar to me
I can remember being locked in junk rooms with rat traps in ,waiting to be slipperd when HE got home from work.
I remember one time them both watching while she hit me as a punishment and HE decided it wasn't hard enough because I wasn't crying..so she did it again.
Fucking hate the pair of them ..ones dead now ,and the other nearly is .

HE is some twat she moved us in with ,after knowing for 6 months ,then married him when I was 7 .

My friend's mum smacked her with the "baffie" (a slipper) if she was cheeky. Aged around 8 or 9. It was quite scary to see, tbh.

I was smacked twice as a child. 90s kid.