For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Very true if I was a kid now id definitely be diagnosed with something. Instead of the she's just shy, clingy, a worrier, emotional. And I probably wouldn't be in my 30s with a bpd diagnosis

That sounds like it was turned on you instead of attention turned to helping you 🥲

I was born in the 70’s, smacked at home, hit by teachers in school, items thrown at our heads, some slapped in the face, kicked off stools.
Lots of smacking and hitting all round really. And we were a pretty average family going to a pretty average school.
I feel nothing about any of it really. It just was.

This was the 90s, mental health just wasn't spoke about.

When I started going to counselling earlier this year to deal with the feelings I was having about how my mum raised me, my counsellor said the biggest catalyst for triggering women who were bought up in abusive households is when they become mothers themselves.

Like you said, we all start thinking, "How in holy fuck could someone treat a child the way they treated me?" when we compare it to how much we love our own children.

Yes and then when your children get to the same age you were

I'm not reading the whole thread, it's too triggering for me, but OP if you felt the intent was abusive, then it probably was. It sounds calculating and cruel and I feel very sorry for the little you. I hope you can find some peace for yourself and get past it x

My parents were born prewar and never behaved like that. My grandparents wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like that either
My children were born in the 80s and I wouldn't have dreamed of treating them like that either. Not to say it didn't happen. I remember being very upset seeing other parents being horrible to their tiny children at swimming lessons, seeing a mother smacking her approx 9 months old baby, and hearing of someone I knew who it turned out shut his children in a cupboard when they were being naughty. I remember a child under who faced a minded child in a push chairinto the sun at a sports day and said along the lines of if she doesn't leave a hat for the child, why should I bother, poor child looked so uncomfortable and next door left her baby to cry for hours at night, and no the poor child never gave up.
I guess I'd not have wanted to be friends with people who were so unkind to children so I'd never have seen if the child was sent to bed hungry or had its mouth washed out with soap so maybe my opinion is skewed that people I actually knew wouldn't behave like that.

Not entitled to elder care but definitely entitled to at least a conversation as to why their grown child has decided to disown them. I've read countless threads where grandparents are afraid to say they don't want to provide childcare anymore but are worried they might get excommunicated. It's appalling.

I don't think you're unreasonable, op. It was unfortunately not uncommon, and it was abuse.

There will be more to those relationships than you know…

going NC doesn’t happen overnight - it’s usually been built up to over a long stretch of time, can be 30 years or equivalent - not a flash decision

I was born in 1992 and my parents regularly smacked me. If one of my siblings did something wrong and nobody would own up, we all got a smack so they could ensure the perpetrator had been punished. My parents would also scream in my face, and lock me in the garden when they argued so we couldn’t get between them and beg them to stop.

I had a big chat with a bunch of similar aged friends and it seems about half of children then were smacked regularly and shouting, fear tactics and harsh punishments were the norm.

Schools did Saturday detention, made you write lines, sit facing the wall or behind the teacher’s chair, or made you clean old chewing gum off the desks.

Reading back it sounds like I should be really old but I’m 33!

Surely if you think your parents were crap, you wouldn't be wanting them to raise your kids...
Makes no sense at all.

I was a young child in the 80s and was belted, smacked with a leather slipper, slapped in the face, had my hair pulled regularly, ears pulled, fingers squeezed, was force-fed regularly, including from a bin (I had virtually no appetite, probably due to the stress of abuse). I was tormented physically and emotionally, called names and probably many other abuses that my mind refuses to recall. At the time I believed this was all normal.

My DH is 10 years older and was a young child in the 70s with two siblings. His parents never laid a finger on him.

People knew better and did better. Abusers will find any excuse to abuse.

Also parents often don’t want to listen and gaslight and deny leaving their children dealing with it on their own..such a lonely place

It goes into the inner child scenario, where she needs nurturing and compassion for ones self

Savage. Sorry you had that to deal with

I didn’t say it was the norm and I didn’t say it was the right way to behave.
I also said that I don’t treat my children that way and it’s only right the laws changed as people understood more about child development and how things shouldn’t be done.
What I said was that my parents modelled techniques that were used by their parents, so it was ‘normal’ for them.

Excuse me?

I was born in 1990 and throughout the late 90s and right up until 2005 I would get belted and hit with utensils and slippers, seemingly for breaking a rule or being rude. Also fingers and legs squeezed, dragged by hair. No emotional warmth or apology. Completely ruined relationship with my parents and although I see them, they don’t really know me, nor do they appear interested. I would say it was abusive and severely impacted relationships through my adult life and my mental health when thinking about the value of myself. I’m not sure whether anyone else would think this is abusive but I do not know of any of my school friends experiencing similar.

Well I wasn't expecting her to answer them for me, more just suggesting questions she ask herself. But thanks for jumping in there.

Definitely abusive without a doubt

I’m sad you are not resolutely sure

but that’s the legacy of parental abuse

Its abnormal as far as I was concerned. 1973 here. I was never hit but my mum did try and wash my mouth out once, for called my sister a bitch.

Leaving a pram outside a shop wasn't as negligent as it would be nowadays, there were a lot of smaller shops, so it wasn't like leaving your baby outside the big Asda, you weren't far away and could probably see the pram from inside the shop.
And yes the Scandinavians do air their babies, but they also wrap them up warmly. A Norwegian friend of my daughter's gave her a really lovely wrap, filled with wool, lovely for a winter baby, the company so really cost baby stuff, down mitts and bootees as well as sleeping bags with wool in as well, so their babies are lovely and warm when they are outside. As long as a baby is warm enough the fresh air is good for them. What was bad was when mothers were told to put their baby in the pram down the end of the garden so they couldn't hear it crying, which was advocated. I did put my pram outside during warmer months anyway but outside my kitchen door, with the door open while I was in the kitchen.

That's horrific, and you all cheered whilst a child was abused in front of you. Quite right she would be done for assault now. And any decent person back then would not have tolerated that either.