For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Well that child went on to sexually assault two of my children. So I would be delighted to have seen him flogged in public.

I was born in 88 and I was smacked but not often and only when my parents had lost their rag. Never premeditated. I think they’d be mortified if I ever bought it up.

I would say my experience is probably similar to most of my friends. The ones who were parented more harshly are either now pretty resentful of their parents or have some issues. So no, I don't think it was normal at all and I do think it is damaging.

This; this was the catalyst for me. DD reached a certain age and I was like wow, we haven't had to keep her awake half the night shouting at her for things, she must be really well behaved.

It took me ages to realise that I was a good girl too; my parents would just keep me awake half the night so I'd be exhausted and "confess" to whatever "crime" they'd invented so they could punish me, even though I hadn't done anything. It was so normalised in my head until DD was around the age where it started.

I suspect that some replies are from abusive parents who are hoping to receive elder care in future from those they abused. Much as I'm sure they'll protest that's not the case. Why would anyone want to pretend that abuse doesn't happen? Or that it should all be forgotten?

Before I was a mum so early 80's I saw a woman doing this to her pre-school son and I was horrified, it wasn't approved of at all. People used to say it to their kids but never followed though. It was a way of letting a child know that what they had said was not acceptable. Seeing someone actually do it, grab their child, yank their jaw open and shove a bar of soap in their mouth was disturbing and I have never forgotten it

If someone has treated or treats their children so poorly the children want nothing to do with them, they really aren’t entitled to anything at all.

Relationships with your adult kids aren’t contracts that parents can impose on their children. There is no ledger of things you provided to them that they owe you for. If you don’t get on together well enough to all want to spend time together, there isn’t an obligation to do so. As parents we have years to build up that relationship and make it solid. It’s not like these things come out of nowhere - they are the consequences of our actions. (Which isn’t to say there aren’t any children who take umbrage at nothing or project trauma from elsewhere on to their parents, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.)

Just like you don't want your views of your lived experience invalidated I would suggest don't invalidate others - I can absolutely see how caravancapers' parents could still be very kind, loving parents. My father was certainly kind and yet he did smack me (only a couple of times, ironically because he wasn't very involved not because he didn't think he should do it more) because it was the 1980s and he thought it was what was necessary to be a good parent - I've never held that against him because similarly to caravancapers it was clear that there was no anger or intention to inflict pain. He had other flaws as a parent but he was one of the least violent, calmest men I've ever known. Your own experiences may be very different - context is everything in these things.

What a ridiculous response. Hitting a child is never okay. Sending a child to bed without food as punishment is child abuse.

TBH nobody is obliged to provide care and support to their aging parents, even if they had a great childhood. There is a legal requirement for parents to look after their children until adulthood but there is no such legal requirement for adult children to care for their elderly parents.

Many people (mostly women) do provide hands on care and support to their elderly parents but you only need to read the posts on the Elderly Parents board to see how the parents who were abusive and unkind to their children when they were young, continue this abuse even when relying on their adult child for hands-on care.

OP's parents certainly weren't 'doing their best'. Her mum in particular sounds sadistic as OP wasn't punished at the time she did something wrong (and she was punished for ridiculous things), but the punishments were stored up until the end of the day, making OP anxious for the rest of the day.

Loving parents don't behave like that, irrespective of the era in which they were parenting. OP's childhood was based on fear, not love so she is perfectly entitled to have nothing more to do with them. They certainly do not deserve any help from OP in their old age.

Of course it is but we can’t judge parents of the past by today’s standards. I don’t hold a grudge for my parents smacking me - most parents back then smacked their children, and no doubt things we do now will be seen as ‘abusive’ in 50 years. Do most people just cut their parents off?

Some of the responses here are so questionable.

When raising my son I never once thought, "I want to hit him, shout abuse at him, punish him until he bawls and cowers in fear of me, but I won't because it's not acceptable these days". I did not have the urge to hurt my child.

My parents got a rise out of belittling and abusing me from the age of a toddler until almost adulthood when I got away from them. I'm glad I'm not like them, for my sake and my own child.

There are some deeply weird responses on here. I’m a child of the seventies/eighties and what you describe was not the norm and I would consider abusive. I would have considered it abusive then as well. I wasn’t smacked personally because my mum didn’t agree with it, although most people were but it was more likely an occasional thing which happened in the moment. None of my peers ever had their mouths washed out that I know of. I’m sorry this happened to you OP.

Exactly - in 20 years’ time the standard parenting might be viewed as neglect. The overconsumption, unfettered access to screens & technology, and lack of independence commonly seen in parenting these days is likely to lead to mental health issues, poor health and and overall lack of resilience once our children are adults - which of course parents will be blamed for. All these perfect parents on here judging yesterday’s parents by today’s standards.

What OP experienced was not normal by the parenting standards in her time - but refusing to dwell on being smacked isn’t minimising our parents’ behaviour but acknowledging most did their best with the knowledge they had. I know my father believed that if he spared us discipline we would become feckless adults- he just wanted the best for us and was less harsh than his own father.

We now have access to any parenting resources we want - our parents didn’t and books from that time still advocated for discipline over connection.

I was brought up in exactly the same way. I personally think it is character building. I was a good kid for the majority of the time but expected to be punished if I stepped out of line. Of course I hated it at the time but it was the way of the world back then. It certainly taught me respect and boundaries. I now have a great work ethic, strong values and am a better parent for it. I never once raised my hand to my kids because I learned to parent in a different way. I was strict but punishments weren’t physical. If there were more boundaries and (non violent) punishments in today’s world I think we would be seeing a lot less of the work shy, entitled young adults coming through the system.

OP I think you need to have a clear picture of what you would like to achieve, and then ask yourself if that is attainable and how it can best be attained.

You say you want to go NC. That is easily done. But I don’t think that is really what you want, as you’re asking us about telling them you found your childhood abusive. What are you hoping to achieve from telling them? How likely are you to achieve that?

It’s clear that you have bad memories of your childhood, which still affect you today. It’s good that you want to do something to be less affected by your childhood. It’s also clear that you feel negatively about your parent’s behaviour now. It’s good that you want to do something to be less affected by their behaviour now. Have you had any therapy to work through these things (your feelings about your childhood and how you feel about their current behaviour)? The thing to remember is you can’t change people (only they can change), but you ARE in control of how you react to things /how things affect you. Right now it is causing a lot of negative emotions in you and costing you energy. You need to learn techniques to be in control of how you react, so you are no longer so affected by their actions. I’m not saying any of this is your blame. Absolutely not. You are responsible for what they did to you. But you are responsible for how it affects you now. I think a therapist can help you get closure and can give you tips how to approach a talk with your parents about your childhood (if you still feel a need to do that after having had some therapy).

I think many of us had this kind of upbringing and the anger can become very intense at points remembering, especially when we have our own children. I won't tell you that you're reasonable or unreasonable, this is how you're currently feeling. Counselling can help people have space to explore this and maybe all you need is that space to tell someone how you feel without judgment.

Parents in that era were often very young, dealing with a lot of financial hardship. Many had left school with no or few qualifications and gone straight into working. They didn't have the relative luxury of several years at uni to transition from childhood into adulthood. There was very little space for self-awareness or self-reflection. I think sometimes it can help us make peace with our childhoods by remembering the wider context

Me too. I grew up in the 70s as this was not common.

I completely disagree that being the victim of physical violence at the hands of your parents is 'character building'.

I would bet money that the majority of people who commit violence crimes have a background of childhood abuse.

My mum was working class with no qualifications, didn’t smack us in the seventies and articulated exactly why she thought it was wrong. So smacking was normal but not universally unquestioned. I do understand that she was a bit unusual for her time.

It is character building in the unhelpful way. Most of us live with anger, resentments, feelings of inadequacy and low self worth.

I can be triggered by someone shouting and hate hospitals. The threat of ‘stay quiet or you will be taken away’ trotted out by so many mothers pretty much guarantees they knew what they were doing was wrong.

Being hit by a parent is abuse, it’s not character building, and you can make up reasons why they did such a heinous thing to a small, defenceless child, but it’s inexcusable ultimately, as many parents managed not to harm their children in the same circumstances, it is always a choice.

That was absolutely not normal. Smacks in the heat of the moment, sadly were normal in many families back then. But this calculated physical punishment was not, and it's almost as if they took pleasure in it.

I'm not sure what benefit there would be in bringing it up though. They're not going to accept that they were wrong, or they'll just deny it.

It really wasn’t. So sad for the posters on here who think it was 😔

This is why I haven’t confronted my mum. She won’t take any accountability for it at all. I have just walked away for my own sanity.

I think it is unforgivable, in my opinion.

If you want to cut contact you can, you don’t need permission.

As part of my job I used to visit nursing homes, a lot of the residents had family who didn’t visit or whose kids had said just let me know when they die, some would give false contact details on admission and we’d be unable to contact them. One couple had 8 kid together and not one visited.

When I started using systemone (one of the nhs record programs which is quite joined up to the GP records not all are) about 60-70% of kids we saw from a county wide area had safeguarding concerns, child protection plans or were in care. These parents presented well and could be working or middle class, some worked for the NHS so must’ve known I could see their child had concerns about welfare on their records. That’s when I started to realise as a species we aren’t very good at looking after our kids & that these kids would as adults be the ones not visiting the parents if they went into a home because of there childhood trauma.

My sil and mil both abused their kids, both are NC with their kids and also with each other.