Page 14 | For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

Welshmum2010 · 2025-12-09T13:21:49+00:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

SixtyPlus · 09/12/2025 19:06

For my 1960s childhood it was everyday fare. Presumably they didn’t think they were doing anything wrong, plus that was how they were brought up, plus nobody would have criticised them at the time.
I don’t know what you’re hoping to gain. Certainly, the idea that this constitutes abuse is a recent development.
If you imagine they’re going to break down and beg your forgiveness, I think you’re deluding yourself.
Nothing wrong with of course in carefully bringing up the question with them of whether they feel they were perhaps a little strict with you?
I wonder if this has anything to do with religion?

LondonLady1980 · 09/12/2025 19:09

sunshinestar1986 · 09/12/2025 18:52

OP hasn't mentioned that they're horrible now, so why would she be afraid of them?
I bought up a few things to my dad,
Because he was so so strict and unfair with us and so laid back with my much younger siblings and he did say yeah I understand.
But he didn't apologise or anything.

I just don't get what purpose cutting him off would do?
It just seems so pointless?
I only see him sometimes anyway he's nice enough, still in his own world really.
But he's old and weak.
I wouldn't bother him in his old age.
How would that help me in anyway?

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I don't understand why you are using your own story to try and disregard OP's feelings?

Just because you weren't traumatised by what your dad did to you doesn't mean that all children who were physically abused by their parents should feel the same.

I'm not afraid of my mother anymore but that doesn't mean I'm happy for her to be in my life.

I don't even understand what point you're trying to make there by insinuating that because the OP isn't scared of her mum then there's no reason to confront her or cut her out?

Just because I'm not afraid my mum doesn't mean I want her in my life. I feel like I hate her for what she did, that's why I don't want her in my life.

There's nothing 'pointless' about removing people from your life who did really shitty things to you that make you question your worth as a person - not only when you were a child, but also to the point where they caused so much lasting damage that even 40 years on that the victim still can't come to terms with what happened to them.

Joeylove88 · 09/12/2025 19:19

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2025 13:54

I was born in the late 50s and none of that happened to me apart from having my legs smacked and that didn't happen very often.

These may have been acceptable punishments in the 1970s but I would still judge the parents that used them, as it was a choice to inflict quite significant pain and humiliation on their own children.

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This 100%.

I would absolutely be so upset that parents still chose to inflict all of those things in me regardless of what was the norm! Why would any parent want to bloody do any of those things to their child unless it was absolutely vile behavior from the child who needed a proper shock to the system.

I was smacked sometimes as a child as it was a done thing back in the day and I do think it was just so wrong! I got smacked when I was actually being naughty though and not just for forgetting words or asking what things meant so yeh id be pissed off with my parents in your position OP and id tell them exactly why!

Doggielovelouie · 09/12/2025 19:24

SameOldHill · 09/12/2025 18:54

@Welshmum2010 Bloody hell I’m going to phone my parents up and tell them how wonderful they are!
I can’t believe everyone saying it was normal. I am from the 80s and I can count on one hand the number of times my dad smacked me and on one finger the number of times my mum did. I had been particularly awful on that day and my poor lovely patient mum lost it.

But to mete out the punishment in such a measured way and for the other parent to watch is awful. And washing out your mouth with soap, no I’m sorry but that is abusive.

I hope you get the closure you need OP, but no, that behaviour is not kind

Ah that’s lovely - defo tell them
how loving

Doggielovelouie · 09/12/2025 19:26

sunshinestar1986 · 09/12/2025 18:52

OP hasn't mentioned that they're horrible now, so why would she be afraid of them?
I bought up a few things to my dad,
Because he was so so strict and unfair with us and so laid back with my much younger siblings and he did say yeah I understand.
But he didn't apologise or anything.

I just don't get what purpose cutting him off would do?
It just seems so pointless?
I only see him sometimes anyway he's nice enough, still in his own world really.
But he's old and weak.
I wouldn't bother him in his old age.
How would that help me in anyway?

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She did say they aren’t great now - at the end of her first post

Doggielovelouie · 09/12/2025 19:28

LondonLady1980 · 09/12/2025 19:09

I don't understand why you are using your own story to try and disregard OP's feelings?

Just because you weren't traumatised by what your dad did to you doesn't mean that all children who were physically abused by their parents should feel the same.

I'm not afraid of my mother anymore but that doesn't mean I'm happy for her to be in my life.

I don't even understand what point you're trying to make there by insinuating that because the OP isn't scared of her mum then there's no reason to confront her or cut her out?

Just because I'm not afraid my mum doesn't mean I want her in my life. I feel like I hate her for what she did, that's why I don't want her in my life.

There's nothing 'pointless' about removing people from your life who did really shitty things to you that make you question your worth as a person - not only when you were a child, but also to the point where they caused so much lasting damage that even 40 years on that the victim still can't come to terms with what happened to them.

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Well said!

Doggielovelouie · 09/12/2025 19:29

Joeylove88 · 09/12/2025 19:19

This 100%.

I would absolutely be so upset that parents still chose to inflict all of those things in me regardless of what was the norm! Why would any parent want to bloody do any of those things to their child unless it was absolutely vile behavior from the child who needed a proper shock to the system.

I was smacked sometimes as a child as it was a done thing back in the day and I do think it was just so wrong! I got smacked when I was actually being naughty though and not just for forgetting words or asking what things meant so yeh id be pissed off with my parents in your position OP and id tell them exactly why!

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Yes I think the difference is whether you were being naughty

my dad lashed out when we were trying to do nice things - presumably because it annoyed him!

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 19:34

As parents slip out of the care-giving role and into the years of perhaps needing to be looked after or at least considered in plan making, people are increasingly more happy to look at their deficits and assure themselves that they had a 'toxic' relationship and therefore are devoid of any responsibility to care for or interact with them. It's simply not okay in my books. If they were doing their best in the era they were in, by all means have a conversation but to go NC is just horrible.and very selfish.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2025 19:35

sunshinestar1986 · 09/12/2025 18:52

OP hasn't mentioned that they're horrible now, so why would she be afraid of them?
I bought up a few things to my dad,
Because he was so so strict and unfair with us and so laid back with my much younger siblings and he did say yeah I understand.
But he didn't apologise or anything.

I just don't get what purpose cutting him off would do?
It just seems so pointless?
I only see him sometimes anyway he's nice enough, still in his own world really.
But he's old and weak.
I wouldn't bother him in his old age.
How would that help me in anyway?

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OP has said that they are horrible now. She has said:

'They are very judgemental of a lot of things me and my children do. They said it was my fault my husband left. They make comments about my home like it needs some maintenance, but I struggle as a single parent working. They just aren’t kind'

Buzyizzy217 · 09/12/2025 19:40

In 1980’s I’d say it was fairly rare. I was abused, not saying anymore on here, but they are both dead, I’ve made my peace, made damn sure my children never knew as they held their grandparents in high regard and moved on. Talk to a therapist, it sounds as tho you need one ( well we all do). You will work out what is for the best once you’ve aired it all. Good luck.

readingisallowed · 09/12/2025 19:42

Both parents are now dead.
But I remember going to school with whip marks up my legs.
Catholic school and no one said anything. This was in the 1960's
so I was wearing a short skirt. Brother had the same but as he was
older wore long trousers.
We knew they were in the wrong but as we were only 7 and 9
no one listened to us.

I never raised it with them as they would have denied it happening.
Brother and myself didn't have a close relationship with them.
Both of us have never hit our children so hopefully have broken the mold.

Redpeach · 09/12/2025 19:45

caravancapers · 09/12/2025 16:34

My Parents were the most kindest loveliest parents I could wish for but I was smacked. I say with pride that I was never smacked in anger. My parents never lost their temper and beat us out of anger or frustration, it was always a measured punishment. Usually “when Dad comes home”. It would happen at 6pm. Over his knee for how ever many smacks I’d “earned”. Very frequently it was early bed too as a punishment. I remember sometimes trying hard to “earn it off” by being very good before Dad got home, but I also remember sometimes carrying on being a little shit and earning more smacks! I even remember my Dad pulling over at the side of the road to smack us for our bad behaviour!

I was born in 1978 so this would be the 1980s. It was very normal then. The difference might be I considered the punishments fair. I had been naughty and that was the consequence.

A 'measured punishment' sounds worse, sadistic - you sure your upbringing was'normal'?

AliceMaforethought · 09/12/2025 19:53

FlyingApple · 09/12/2025 17:55

Some do. I was in a multiple person conversation where a woman said after it had all come out in the news, what good does it do to bring up what saville did now? Should just let dogs lie.
And yes I was perplexed.

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OMG that is ridiculous. I would have found it very hard not to rip her a new one.

AliceMaforethought · 09/12/2025 19:54

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 19:34

As parents slip out of the care-giving role and into the years of perhaps needing to be looked after or at least considered in plan making, people are increasingly more happy to look at their deficits and assure themselves that they had a 'toxic' relationship and therefore are devoid of any responsibility to care for or interact with them. It's simply not okay in my books. If they were doing their best in the era they were in, by all means have a conversation but to go NC is just horrible.and very selfish.

Rubbish. And even non absuive parents are not automatically owed elder care, let alone abusive ones!

Hedgehogbrown · 09/12/2025 19:54

lessglittermoremud · 09/12/2025 16:52

80’s child here I was smacked pretty much for any slight mistake, ie a whack with the hairbrush to the back of the legs if I wriggled when having my hair brushed. Weren’t allowed to leave the table unless we had eaten what was in front of us, even if our parents had served something like liver which I hated (still do).
My DH same age remembers his mouth being washed out with soap for using a swear word once, he was also smacked as a child.
I don’t smack my children, I don’t serve them food they hate and would never dream of washing their mouth out with soap.
My parents parented us how they were parented, they didn’t think about it and to be honest they believe children were better behaved because of how discipline was doled out in previous generations.
There is a little point in looking back I find, my parents did the best with the knowledge and skills they had at the time, we know a lot more now and as a consequence parent differently with the laws changing to support that, as they should.

That was not the norm and your parents were abusive. It might have been because their parents were abusive, but they still hot their kid with a hairbrush and that's fucked up. My Mum grew up in the 50s and wasn't hit. I wasn't hit. You are trying to normalise abuse.

AliceMaforethought · 09/12/2025 19:56

AliceMaforethought · 09/12/2025 19:54

Rubbish. And even non absuive parents are not automatically owed elder care, let alone abusive ones!

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Also, what do you mean 'considered in plan making'? My parents' care needs have no bearing on my life.

Aworldofmyown · 09/12/2025 20:11

I was smacked by my teacher in reception, 1983! I have very distinct memories of that class. Smacking was definitely still a thing in the early 80s.

FlyingApple · 09/12/2025 20:11

AliceMaforethought · 09/12/2025 19:53

OMG that is ridiculous. I would have found it very hard not to rip her a new one.

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Well I felt disgust, I said, what do you mean? I just couldn't understand it.

LethargeMarg · 09/12/2025 20:12

I remember a childminder I had in the 80s doing the mouth soap thing …looking back pretty awful but common. My mum was very heavy handed- school referred me to social services due to bruises and they told me my mum had a lot on her plate! I’ve not gone NC but find it ironic how judgemental she is with others parenting and her selective memory of my childhood. But it was different times and corporal punishment was acceptable

Zanatdy · 09/12/2025 20:14

I was snacked a fair bit, around the head too which I remembering my mum bursting into tears when I called her out on it saying why would you hit a child around the head who suffers from migraines. My friends were all smacked too. No it’s not right, but I wouldn’t judge them by today’s standards. Life was different then and so was attitudes to children.

diddl · 09/12/2025 20:18

I think if you try to talk about it they will likely try to justify it/minimise it/blame you.

Best would be to just reduce/stop contact I would have thought.

LethargeMarg · 09/12/2025 20:25

when those cringe posts on social media try and romanticise our gen x childhoods I always think how easily people forget about things like this

RawBloomers · 09/12/2025 20:27

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 19:34

As parents slip out of the care-giving role and into the years of perhaps needing to be looked after or at least considered in plan making, people are increasingly more happy to look at their deficits and assure themselves that they had a 'toxic' relationship and therefore are devoid of any responsibility to care for or interact with them. It's simply not okay in my books. If they were doing their best in the era they were in, by all means have a conversation but to go NC is just horrible.and very selfish.

The catalyst for most people is nothing to do with the looming needs of elder care. It’s having their own children and thinking:

How in holy fuck could someone treat a child the way they treated me?

It is selfish and entitled of adults to think they can rely on people they treat poorly to look after them as they age. They need to plan for themselves.

Doggielovelouie · 09/12/2025 20:30

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 19:34

As parents slip out of the care-giving role and into the years of perhaps needing to be looked after or at least considered in plan making, people are increasingly more happy to look at their deficits and assure themselves that they had a 'toxic' relationship and therefore are devoid of any responsibility to care for or interact with them. It's simply not okay in my books. If they were doing their best in the era they were in, by all means have a conversation but to go NC is just horrible.and very selfish.

What a load of insensitive and made up
rubbish

youalright · 09/12/2025 20:31

Blizzardofleaves · 09/12/2025 18:06

That’s to do with social media and tech not smacking and being violent towards them ffs!

One of the few signs of real progress in today’s world is the law around hitting children, and it is now not acceptable to hit children. There is never an excuse to use violence against a child.

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What are you talking about please learn to read