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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talk me out of having a 4th child

62 replies

UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:33

Posting on AIBU rather than “larger families” as I’m more likely to get the brutally honest opinions I need without selection bias. I also want to preface this by saying I know that we are lucky to have any children, and I am very sorry that there will be women reading this who are struggling to conceive.

I am 36 and recently had my third child. I have two girls and a little boy. This most recent pregnancy was so so hard - I was exhausted, miserable, often felt inexplicably furious, and felt “trapped” somehow. I couldn’t properly look after my other two children and my husband went part time so that he could do more for us. Truly the moment that I gave birth, I was back to my normal self. It was a dramatic change. Postpartum was a breeze compared to pregnancy. I was certain that I was “done” and have just been really focusing on my health since day 1 postpartum so that I can be the best mum that I can be - prioritising sleep, good nutrition, and regular exercise. My baby boy is now 8 months old, we’ve settled into a good rhythm as a family, I feel fitter/stronger than I’ve been in years and now I still feel like one child is missing from our family . My husband would happily have a fourth (or fifth!) if it was up to him, but after my mood plummeting during my third pregnancy I think that even he is worried about what another 9 months of that would do to us as a couple and to the three children we already have. I feel the same. We can afford a 4th child now and in the future (state schools nearby are ok so we can save for university fees etc), we already have a van with enough space for everyone, and we have enough potential bedroom space. I have returned to work and it’s going fine. My husband and I both work nearby (no commute) with compressed hours so that we have time with our children - he has a Friday off, I have Monday and Tuesday off. My concern is the psychological and physical impact (pregnancy is gruelling for me), and wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults. My parents had me when they were “older” and are both now deceased, so that also gives me pause for thought when considering bringing another life into the world. I miss them every day and I want my children to have more quality time with me in their lives than I had with my own parents - which is also why I’m focusing so much on my health now.

YABU - do NOT have any more children
YANBU - go on, have another baby

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 09/12/2025 12:36

I had a surprise 4th baby recently (I'm 43)
I wish I'd had him earlier, there's like 7vyears between most of my kids (except the middle 2, there's 5 years between them)
All I can say is it's exhausting. But you know deep down what you want for your family

handsomeson · 09/12/2025 12:38

As a mum of 4 I don’t recommend it. Mine are older now and it’s not all cute cuddly babies when you have 4 giant men to feed clothe and give pocket money to and generally pay for them to live.
I also highly doubt in this climate they’ll be moving out anytime soon if ever.
Choose your sanity.

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:39

Thank you both for your insights. I think you’re right @Katemax82that I need to choose my sanity. You also paint a pretty realistic picture of the future.

OP posts:
RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 09/12/2025 12:42

Just read your own post back….

rwalker · 09/12/2025 12:42

If it was the right decision you wouldn’t even be questioning having a 4th

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 12:43

Reading this I can't see any reason why you would have a 4th child! Three is more than enough and you said yourself you really struggled in pregnancy. Why would you risk your equilibrium by having another?

Especially as you now do have both genders, which I know shouldn't matter but is a reason for some people.

user86397409754 · 09/12/2025 12:44

My husband is one of 3 siblings that have a fractious adult relationship. He is very much of the opinion that 3 is a disaster, so he’d tell you to have another one, or probably not to have had the 3rd one, but too late for that!

I think he does have a point, friends that are 2 siblings or bigger 4+ families seem to rub along okay. All the ones I know that are at war or no contact seem to be from groups of three!

Dweetfidilove · 09/12/2025 12:44

You've talked yourself out of it, then put your rose tinted glasses right back on and did a u-turn.
Maybe spend some time thinking about why you ACTUALLY want a 4th (that youbalso think may not be the best idea), and you might find your answer there.

Bamfram · 09/12/2025 12:45

There are things that hugely contribute to a peaceful home, a bedroom each definitely being one.
A house big enough to move about, particularly as children are staying home longer even when well paid!
Teens are so seriously expensive, even if you don't need to do private schooling.
I think your 3rd was a warning to mind yourself.
Take it, take your blessings of 3 healthy children.
Being clear of the teen years by mid 50s is really great.
Its hard having teens in your 60s!

toomuchfaff · 09/12/2025 12:45

You know its the "monkey brain" in you that wants another child, the animal that doesnt see sense and only wants to procreate because thats the only thing to guarantee the human race survival. Its not the rational part of your brain.

Sometimes just acknowledging that part exists is enough to understand and overrule its huge drive within you.

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:46

RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 09/12/2025 12:42

Just read your own post back….

This made me laugh!! Yes I know, I just need some sense knocked into me and this thread is doing just that!

OP posts:
Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 12:46

user86397409754 · 09/12/2025 12:44

My husband is one of 3 siblings that have a fractious adult relationship. He is very much of the opinion that 3 is a disaster, so he’d tell you to have another one, or probably not to have had the 3rd one, but too late for that!

I think he does have a point, friends that are 2 siblings or bigger 4+ families seem to rub along okay. All the ones I know that are at war or no contact seem to be from groups of three!

I'm one of three, two girls and a boy, and it's great! The thing is you shouldn't keep having kids for some idea of sibling relationship as you really can't engineer these things. The best thing you can do for your kids isn't lots of siblings, its a happy parent.

Pandorea · 09/12/2025 12:47

I have three as well and it’s great. They are all late teens/early twenties. I couldn’t have imagined adding a fourth though. There is so much laundry as it is! They needed a lot of individual attention as teens especially in the exam years. University support is a lot as well. I think for me there was perfect and four would’ve pushed us over the edge!

Whatsthatsheila · 09/12/2025 12:49

You can cope now with finances work house size etc but what if something changes? Redundancy ill-health of yourselves or a loved one?

you can cope and you are comfortable. Use your time and energy to secure your position and future

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 12:50

Think of the planet and how humans are causing the death of so many beautiful species.

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:51

Whatsthatsheila · 09/12/2025 12:49

You can cope now with finances work house size etc but what if something changes? Redundancy ill-health of yourselves or a loved one?

you can cope and you are comfortable. Use your time and energy to secure your position and future

Honestly this never occurred me but you are so right. If my husband or I develop a serious illness then things will be really hard. We don’t have any other family within an 8 hour drive to rely on and his parents aren’t interested in their grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:52

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 12:50

Think of the planet and how humans are causing the death of so many beautiful species.

I will be flamed for saying this, but the environmental reasons for not having children have zero traction with me.

(Edited to add - and that’s surprising as I am eco conscious - we rarely travel and do so in the most eco friendly way when we do, have an energy efficient home, kitchen garden, reuse everything until it gives up etc)

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 09/12/2025 12:56

Have you considered the scenario whereby your mood and ability to cope not only plummets during the nest pregnancy but fails to recover and leads to a prolonged period of feeling awful?

From your post you say DH would happily have 4/5 children but where do you draw the line and enjoy the family you have?

On the other hand I know some really beautiful larger families and while I assume they don’t spend much time with their feet up they do seem very happy.

Sarah2891 · 09/12/2025 12:58

I would quit while you are ahead and while everything is going well, to be honest. It sounds like you have a lovely family. But only you can decide (obviously)
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

CalmLeader · 09/12/2025 12:58

No. Surely if you need talking out of it you shouldn’t be doing it.

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 12:59

Your next child could have a serious medical problem too. I remember when my sister had her third baby (She's a doctor so she's very aware of how many things can go wrong). She told me, as she cradled her 3rd, that she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have 3 healthy children and that she felt she was getting 'greedy' with a 3rd but fortune was in her favour. She'd never have chanced a fourth for this very reason. She'd hate to ruin the quality of her children's lives with the potential needs of a very unwell baby.

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/12/2025 13:02

I am one of six, you could be the most efficient lovley Mother in the world but with each child they get less one to one time. I had one full day out with my Mother by myself in my entire childhood, it’s my best memory of her.

TheGreenCrab · 09/12/2025 13:08

I had 3 close together - they are really close so the dynamic of three can work well. After the third I really wanted another - until he was two and I was out of the baby bubble and that longing went!

I recently had surprise baby number four - the pregnancy was much much harder because of my age and the number of kids I’ve had. Little one is thriving but I worry I’m missing out on time with my older three.

Only you know if it’s right for you but 3 to 4 has been the hardest transition for me

Autumn1990 · 09/12/2025 13:09

I think whatever number of children you have you’d still feel broody for another. I’ve got two and don’t want another but still feel broody. I know people with 3 who still feel broody!

gmgnts · 09/12/2025 13:15

DON'T DO IT! Be sensible - you know it's a bad idea.

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