Talk me out of having a 4th child

[UppityPanda123]

Posting on AIBU rather than “larger families” as I’m more likely to get the brutally honest opinions I need without selection bias. I also want to preface this by saying I know that we are lucky to have any children, and I am very sorry that there will be women reading this who are struggling to conceive.

I am 36 and recently had my third child. I have two girls and a little boy. This most recent pregnancy was so so hard - I was exhausted, miserable, often felt inexplicably furious, and felt “trapped” somehow. I couldn’t properly look after my other two children and my husband went part time so that he could do more for us. Truly the moment that I gave birth, I was back to my normal self. It was a dramatic change. Postpartum was a breeze compared to pregnancy. I was certain that I was “done” and have just been really focusing on my health since day 1 postpartum so that I can be the best mum that I can be - prioritising sleep, good nutrition, and regular exercise. My baby boy is now 8 months old, we’ve settled into a good rhythm as a family, I feel fitter/stronger than I’ve been in years and now I still feel like one child is missing from our family . My husband would happily have a fourth (or fifth!) if it was up to him, but after my mood plummeting during my third pregnancy I think that even he is worried about what another 9 months of that would do to us as a couple and to the three children we already have. I feel the same. We can afford a 4th child now and in the future (state schools nearby are ok so we can save for university fees etc), we already have a van with enough space for everyone, and we have enough potential bedroom space. I have returned to work and it’s going fine. My husband and I both work nearby (no commute) with compressed hours so that we have time with our children - he has a Friday off, I have Monday and Tuesday off. My concern is the psychological and physical impact (pregnancy is gruelling for me), and wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults. My parents had me when they were “older” and are both now deceased, so that also gives me pause for thought when considering bringing another life into the world. I miss them every day and I want my children to have more quality time with me in their lives than I had with my own parents - which is also why I’m focusing so much on my health now.

YABU - do NOT have any more children
YANBU - go on, have another baby

I don’t understand how people can make family planning decisions without factoring in the possibility of illness, disability, SEN, death, loss of income, etc.

“i feel broody” is not enough in 2025.

Watching with interest.

I could almost have written your post. I’m 37. My youngest is also 8 months (others are 4 and 2) and I really, really want a fourth. I don’t have the same issues you describe during pregnancy but I have been extremely sick each time, so that’s putting me off. Also - the thought of telling people I’ve got four children. It’s bad enough when you say you have three!

Can you afford 4th child without state help (UC, free childcare hours etc) - if yes go for it. If no, then not - these are not guaranteed for the next 18 years

Honestly I think you should just concentrate on the wonderful family unit you have - it’s working and it’s lovely and you are all happy. Stick with that. Don’t chance that roll of the dice again x

I have 3 DC and when my youngest was 4 years old I really wanted another one. This lasted for about a year and then I realised what if I then wanted a fifth and a sixth, I couldn’t keep having DC.
My 3DC are grown up and I love having 3, my DC are really close.
I haven’t had any money worries but did find the university years expensive so that’s something to really bear in mind.

I wanted two children. The second was twins. Have a little think about that happening with your FOURTH, young missy 😄

Also you are kind of playing pontoon with your family life in saying ‘Twist’ rather than ‘Stick’, when you have three healthy children.

Does your husband want to try for a 4th? Surely it has to be two enthusiastic yeses or it’s a no. No?

I have three - two girls and a boy - now 18, 16 and 13.

For me, the teenage years have been monumentally more difficult than the baby/toddler/primary school years. Yes, small children can be exhausting but their problems and worries can usually be quite easily fixed.

It's difficult being a teen these days and all of mine have had times of needing a lot of one-to-one parental attention, which takes a bit of juggling when there's three of them and two of you (plus work, other responsibilities etc).

Obviously it's up to you if you have another, but don't assume parenthood gets easier as they get older!

My desire to have 4 children was so strong and my fourth was a beautiful boy who completed our family. I dont regret him, however, he is autistic and life is definitely harder with him.

One of my closest friends persuaded her husband to have another child, he was so against it. The child is handicapped and has had a massive impact on their family, she bitterly regrets it, which has changed her whole personality. It's very sad to watch them.

Please don’t use the word handicapped.

Three boys here ages 12, 10 and 8.

I know how you feel. I felt the same way for a couple of years after my 3rd was born but the biggest thing for me (other than having difficult pregnancies) that stopped me from going for the 4th was thinking about the amount of quality time I could give to each child, as others have said. I often feel overwhelmed, trying to help them all with their homework (especially now that my eldest is at secondary where the homework has massively increased), getting them to clubs, etc. I try not to but I feel like I'm often saying "in a minute" to them when they want my attention, as I'm tackling more washing / cleaning / admin etc.

And that's without mentioning the hormones, arguments and testing of boundaries that comes with children 😄

I had this urge when my third was about a year old even though Id had a bad birth experience. Thankfully I talked myself out of it. I think is post partum hormones!

So glad I didnt have any more as its hard at times to give everyone enough time and attention. Also teens are expensive.

You have three healthy children and a good balance with work and home, I think Id prefer to keep that than risk it by going for a fourth baby.

I think you have to really think about what you and your children would gain/lose from adding another child into the mix. You have said that during pregnancy you couldn’t look after your children. That is quite big and you are lucky you bounced back after the birth. You might not be so lucky next time and if it happens again, it will be bad for your existing children.

We started out wanting 3 - I'm middle one of three and DH an only - wavered about having a forth after first baby we were so smitten.

Third pg new area pg itself was fine medical care was utterly dire - we never quite got on same page at same time about another after that and it took so long to move out that area. Also during third pg life happened and money went from managable tight to extremely tight - and Dh had road traffic accident and while there was some help it wasn't as much as hoped - it was mainly Dh and I.

When we did move kids had own bedrooms and we had more disposable income and enjoyed doing more with them- and age gap between youngest and any next child would have been at 5 nearly 6 nearly twice of that between oen we had. Dh became a definite no and I was probably no when youngest hit 7 I was a glad we didn't - it was peak kids clubs and running round.

They've been good teens mostly but money got ever tighter over the years - even now I only have one at home and likely for only next 18 months and miss busy household I still think 3 was our limit and don't feel regrets even though with good medical care in last pg we'd have likely gone on to have a fourth.

I have 4 and love our family but your op is literally a list of why you don’t think you’d have any more imo! It doesn’t sound like you want it and believe me it’s a huge jump- all order goes out the window!!

Hi, we are the same 👋
3 kids just turned: 5, 3, 1 (GBG)
I’m 36 next week.
No financial restraints.
I’m one of 5 which is why I want so many; I believe the best gift you can give your kids is a big potential support network.
We will try for no.4 either in May or Jan 27.
More babies = more grandchildren + cousins 😂

OP I’m pregnant currently with my much longed for fourth child.

My older three have been up all night puking and now today I’ve spent all day being sick myself while trying to look after them and being massively pregnant. 😵‍💫 They’ve done nothing but watch tv today while I try and sleep on the sofa in short bursts.

Physically I’ve found this pregnancy much harder than my previous ones too.

This is good advice. I have three and I don’t know if I’d have even had the third if I’d manage to quiet my monkey brain …. The pregnancy was so much worse at nearly 40, and though I would love to have one more baby in my heart, realistically know I can’t manage a fourth - pregnancy or child! I used to say if money were no object I’d have a fourth. But now I see it’s not really money that you have a scarce supply of - it’s yourself as a mum. Your mental and physical bandwidth. My eldest is now diagnosed with SEND ( we didn’t realise this when we tried for DC3 and there is no history of her needs in our family) …. it now takes up a huge amount of my time and energy supporting her at home and battling for what she needs at school, not to mention worrying about her future. Youngest DS is also much more demanding now at nearly 2 than he was as a small baby. And of course middle child…. who wants to do a million activities, and who I constantly have to guard against feeling left out, overlooked etc! I would love four or five children, I love babies and I would even love a gang of five teenagers I think - but the truth is that I just couldn’t be the mum I want to be to four children and that, in the end, means we have to be done.

“wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults”

Out of everything you’ve said, this is the important bit. Leave it at three.

I’m from a group of 3, no issues. Same with others I know who are one of three. Maybe your sample contains all the anomalies.

I was desperate for a fourth op, but my body didn’t oblige. Now my boys are teens who eat like locusts and fill every inch of the house, I am so relieved I just stopped at three.

Thanks everyone. I think the big one coming out of this is the importance of quality time with each child, especially as teens. That and obviously the risk of another dreadful pregnancy and/or not bouncing back in terms of health. I also want to maintain a good relationship with my husband and that isn’t achievable if we have nothing left emotionally/psychologically from children.

I don’t think that more children = more grandchildren and cousins. My husband is the youngest of 5 children. His parents never gave them the quality time and emotional connection that they needed, and his siblings all think that this is a large part of the reason why none of the rest of them will have children and why the rest of them struggle so much to have any normal romantic relationship (I’m sure there’s more to it). So, no cousins for our children on either side of the family!

Thank you! I think part of the “push” from within me for a 4th is that I keep hearing this idea trotted out that groups of 3 siblings all hate each other (or just one of them) but groups of 2 or 4 are always perfect

Yes, I adore all my kids but life is HARD

I think I was a little misunderstood. What I really meant is that I take my husband’s good health a little for granted, which is natural to some extent as we actively prioritise our health and are pretty clean living. I don’t think many people have children thinking “I’m only doing this because I know that neither of us will die or get ill, and I am 100% sure that we will cope with any SEN, loss of income or death.” Family planning decisions like this are often a balance of probabilities. I think as a family we would cope with any of the above but obviously it wouldn’t be something we would wish for and it would be a challenge, as it is for anyone in those circumstances.

Anyway I will not be having a 4th - and thank you everyone for reassurances about having 3. I feel very fortunate that things are working for now, and although there will be challenges ahead we will deal with them more easily without an additional child.

I was in the same boat - horrendous pregnancy, best post natal with my 3rd felt GREAT until 10 months, which was last month, duno if I've had a hormone shift or what but my body (39) is falling to pieces. I still have pangs of wanting a 4th but I also know the toll on my body is going to be too much.

It's sad knowing her firsts are my lasts so I know how you feel.