Talk me out of having a 4th child

[UppityPanda123]

Posting on AIBU rather than “larger families” as I’m more likely to get the brutally honest opinions I need without selection bias. I also want to preface this by saying I know that we are lucky to have any children, and I am very sorry that there will be women reading this who are struggling to conceive.

I am 36 and recently had my third child. I have two girls and a little boy. This most recent pregnancy was so so hard - I was exhausted, miserable, often felt inexplicably furious, and felt “trapped” somehow. I couldn’t properly look after my other two children and my husband went part time so that he could do more for us. Truly the moment that I gave birth, I was back to my normal self. It was a dramatic change. Postpartum was a breeze compared to pregnancy. I was certain that I was “done” and have just been really focusing on my health since day 1 postpartum so that I can be the best mum that I can be - prioritising sleep, good nutrition, and regular exercise. My baby boy is now 8 months old, we’ve settled into a good rhythm as a family, I feel fitter/stronger than I’ve been in years and now I still feel like one child is missing from our family . My husband would happily have a fourth (or fifth!) if it was up to him, but after my mood plummeting during my third pregnancy I think that even he is worried about what another 9 months of that would do to us as a couple and to the three children we already have. I feel the same. We can afford a 4th child now and in the future (state schools nearby are ok so we can save for university fees etc), we already have a van with enough space for everyone, and we have enough potential bedroom space. I have returned to work and it’s going fine. My husband and I both work nearby (no commute) with compressed hours so that we have time with our children - he has a Friday off, I have Monday and Tuesday off. My concern is the psychological and physical impact (pregnancy is gruelling for me), and wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults. My parents had me when they were “older” and are both now deceased, so that also gives me pause for thought when considering bringing another life into the world. I miss them every day and I want my children to have more quality time with me in their lives than I had with my own parents - which is also why I’m focusing so much on my health now.

YABU - do NOT have any more children
YANBU - go on, have another baby

You might end up with a multiple birth!

Choosing to parent 4 teens likely through your own menopause?! Why do you hate yourself so much! God no way.

I am feeding my 6 month (dc3) right now. I would love another baby but I won’t and mainly for the same reason as you - I can’t give quality time to 4 kids.
also my husband isn’t always helpful, very hit and miss.

My third pregnancy was twins, so I have 4 kids. 2.5 year gap between each pregnancy, I was 38 for the last birth. My youngest are ten now, and I found the early years beyond difficult. My marriage suffered, then recovered with some effort and we are solid now.
The greatest joy in my life has been watching my kids develop their relationship with each other. They play, they fight, they make up. They get so much from each other.
It is true they get less one to one time, but I feel that their relationships with each other balance this out.
You can never predict how things will turn out, and there are risks you have to weigh up. Good luck making your decision, it’s a tough one. But I do remember that feeling that there was a child missing, and for me it didn’t return once I had the twins.

I’m going to chime in with another ‘hell no!’.

I have 4 DC. The youngest was a little surprise. It has made life sooooooo much harder for us. Everything is so expensive. Life has been out on hold while we get yet ANOTHER child past the annoying toddler stage.

Personally I feel like I have lost the last 11 years of my life being in a continuous fug of babies and toddlers. I just want to move on to a new stage.

I would really love to spend more time with my older children who are at a brilliant age, but the youngest is just at ‘that’ age.

’That’ age (ie. 3!) would be fine, if I didn’t feel like I’ve been stuck there for years and years!

anyway, it’s a hard no from me!

The last child being twins is surprisingly common. It happened in my family, completely unplanned, and after 3 children and a gap of a decade it was the final nail in the coffin that was my parents marriage.
It was just too much.

I have often geard from friends that were in 4-7 children families that they raised each other.
I can well believe it.
They certainly don't recommend it.
I think you are being wise and practical, which I don't think you will regret.
Good luck.

I'm glad you've got to a decision so quickly.

I don't think it's especially unreasonable to have 4 - in fact given the birth rate you might be doing the nation a favour - but it is A LOT, and if you aren't absolutely sure, then don't.

Enjoy your three, it's a good number.

When it comes to decision making, I have been “head over heart” all my life about almost everything - apart from this. My head knows what is best but my heart aches when I think that I am done having babies. I actively didn’t want children at all in my 20s, so the joy that family life has brought me has shocked me. The change within me has been profound.

How do people deal with these strong broody feelings when they arise, and are at odds with the logical decision they’ve made not to have another? I will try very hard to just focus on spending time with my children, working to build up my physical health for the years to come, and just keep busy with our family life/home in general. There is so much to do, and it isn’t all to do with children!

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing their serious and humorous reflections and experiences. Do keep them coming if you wish… I suspect a few others in a similar position to me will continue finding this thread!

I honestly think one of the only way large families work is if you started young and kept going. So you'd have some with big gaps and some closer together.. but I just wouldn't, risk of send/additional needs too high, risk of multiples, job losses, them staying at home until mid 20s/30 likely..

Unless you've got a massive tight knit support system and community local. Like aunts etc and from a culture that helps raise family members kids
I wouldn't do it!

Get a kitten or guinea pigs or something cute. Keep busy. It'll pass

I think it really can help to be honest with yourself about your dreams for your children and their future because a lot of those dreams cost money.
Music, tenns, gymnastics lessons, sports, all cost money.
Education, tutoring costs.
Family holidays, school trips.
Not essential, but they definitely cost.
Driving lessons.
It costs a couple of thosand to get a child on the road, not to mind the time involved.
Its a great life skill to have, again not essential.
Personally I thought the primary years were very straightforward but children often need more time and support through secondary.
Being available to them takes time, patience and effort.
Keeping them safe by being available for late night collection, even more so with girls!
University cost serious money, what if they want to do a masters?
Teeth Braces? Privately? eye watering.
Look at the math, its sobering. But you may find comfort from making the decision so that you can provide fully for the 3 that you have.
We stopped at 3 and the above has worked out at hundreds of thousands.

This is helpful!

We have four and I adore the bones of all of them, we/they are very close....BUT 4 children is hugely exhausting - I had them close together so had 4 under 7 at one point. And they are expensive - the rate they grow at and the numbers of pairs of shoes they get through, the food bills (3 boys 1 girl), driving lessons, the IT/phones/laptops/extra curriculars/school trips, eating out , going to the cinema is over £100 where we are for 6 of us...uni costs etc etc..we had a healthy income and could afford for me to be at home for c. 10 years which was brilliant.

It was all absolutely fine financially until DH was made redundant over 18 months ago...and with two at uni and two still at home it's been tough....luckily he has just found something.

Given my time again, I probably wouldn't choose to have had 4 if I'm being completely honest....but I would totally have my four again if that makes sense!!