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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this is a shit way to treat your daughter?

53 replies

Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:19

Ex left me in pregnancy. He didn’t see DD until she was 1.5 years old. So he missed her birth her first birthday and left me to pick up everything. I had to claim CMS before he would contribute financially.

Since he met DD he has been a constant in her life. He sees her regularly but she has never stayed over as his shift pattern means it is difficult and he lives very far from her nursery. This means I have been really flexible with him coming into my home so he can have those moments of putting her to bed and and reading a story etc. She turned three in July and my parents have a large field at the back of their house. They offered to host the party. Ex dp came and I was ok with this despite my initial reaction at them wanting to invite him was one of hurt and shock.

They talked me round that it was best for DD that he was there. I felt uncomfortable as I felt like he was in ‘my’ life rather than just in DD ‘s life, as all my family were there. DD had a good day and I am glad I did it as it was important for her.

fast forward a few months and exdp has started being unpleasant with me, saying I am to blame for him not seeing Dd the first 1.5 years and so on. I’ve distanced myself from him and he still sees her but we don’t have a chat before he leaves to say much at all to each other anymore.

my mum has told me today that she has bought ex DP a few gifts (!!!) for Christmas as she hopes he comes (it’s being hosted at my parents) and that she doesn’t want him to feel left out. I feel sick and sad that my mum could do this. Surely after what he did to her daughter a card is enough??! She said she didn’t think it would be nice to not include him when everyone is sharing presents round and that she has asked my brother to also buy something for him.

I can’t even be bothered with a row with her but I just feel gutted she would even think like this. I don’t want him there on Christmas Day and he will likely see Dd in the evening anyway so he won’t be with my family but it’s not the point, they’ve assumed he will be there and seem to want to welcome him with open arms?! AIBU?

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 08/12/2025 21:24

Yep, you need to tell her she is way overstepping, you will decide what events he comes to and that does not include Christmas.

Of course you want him in your daughter's life, but he needs to be kept at some distance for your mental health and for your daughter's mental health in case he should fuck off again.

So all invites to family events are to be run past you.

Do not enter a debate - these are your rules.

She's probably just trying to play happy families (and is perhaps a bit thick?) so don't take it personally just be firm.

I think your daughter's party is OK if he's behaving well, although they ought to have asked, but certainly not him coming to your family Christmas - divorced / separated couples don't do that, your daughter can celebrate with him on Boxinv day or whenever she sees him - they need their own traditions.

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:27

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones i feel really upset by it. The way my mum was telling me about the gifts was like she wanted a reaction from me. It’s just so shitty.

OP posts:
Pollqueen · 08/12/2025 21:33

This. Your mother is way out of line and you need to sit her down and spell it out to her. It is not up to her to facilitate a relationship between your ex and your daughter

If she insists on inviting him I would flatly refuse to go and my daughter wouldn't be going either. I had a mother very similar to this and I'm raging on your behalf

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:35

Pollqueen · 08/12/2025 21:33

This. Your mother is way out of line and you need to sit her down and spell it out to her. It is not up to her to facilitate a relationship between your ex and your daughter

If she insists on inviting him I would flatly refuse to go and my daughter wouldn't be going either. I had a mother very similar to this and I'm raging on your behalf

@Pollqueen its the fact she’s chosen gifts for him that I can’t get over. Part of me feels like I gave her the go ahead by agreeing to let him be invited to the birthday party but surely it’s on another level to be showering him with gifts. I just feel so sad.

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 08/12/2025 21:35

Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:27

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones i feel really upset by it. The way my mum was telling me about the gifts was like she wanted a reaction from me. It’s just so shitty.

If she is looking for a reaction from you rather than being clueless I'd say the advice is the same - but put up your boundaries because it sounds like she is unpleasant rather than an idiot?

If so I am sorry to hear that. Focus on your daughter and keep her at arms length.

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 21:37

I think if he is invited for Xmas day then its only polite to get him some gifts as wouldnt want your dd to question why her dad has no presents.

Could your mum be trying to build bridges by trying to include him so he doesnt disappear again.

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:39

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 21:37

I think if he is invited for Xmas day then its only polite to get him some gifts as wouldnt want your dd to question why her dad has no presents.

Could your mum be trying to build bridges by trying to include him so he doesnt disappear again.

@Hankunamatata they could have just got one and also I’m not sure Dd would even notice? They could have asked me first and didn’t need to ask my brother to get something too. Feels like a betrayal. Maybe IABU though.

OP posts:
Member984815 · 08/12/2025 21:39

Do you live with your parents, if not I'd make other plans for Christmas and make it clear why

Ddakji · 08/12/2025 21:41

Unfortunately some people think a shit dad is better than no dad and also that a woman is to blame for male bad behaviour.

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:42

Member984815 · 08/12/2025 21:39

Do you live with your parents, if not I'd make other plans for Christmas and make it clear why

@Member984815 i don’t want DD to miss out as she loves seeing them. I have to put up with it but it’s hard to know where to channel my upset. I guess that’s why I’ve posted here, as I feel so alone coping with it all

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 21:43

Time to get a real custody schedule and he's no longer welcome to visits in your home.

Tell your mom to stay in her lane. I would guess you two don't have a great relationship. Is it possible ex has been poisoning the well telling her the sob story of how you forced him be a deadbeat dad for the first 1.5 years of your kid's life?

You need serious boundaries with your ex and your mom.

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:43

Ddakji · 08/12/2025 21:41

Unfortunately some people think a shit dad is better than no dad and also that a woman is to blame for male bad behaviour.

@Ddakji i actually think that sums up my mum’s mindset completely!

OP posts:
PollyBell · 08/12/2025 21:44

Well you chose to have a child with this man so it appears they are trying to what they think is bese for the child you both created so think of them as trying to helo with a bad situation

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:45

PollyBell · 08/12/2025 21:44

Well you chose to have a child with this man so it appears they are trying to what they think is bese for the child you both created so think of them as trying to helo with a bad situation

@PollyBell yes I didn’t think he (or anyone actually) would be capable of abandoning their child

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 08/12/2025 21:45

I would tell your mum to have a lovely day with your shitty ex and that you won't be seeing her until the new year. She knows.

Theunamedcat · 08/12/2025 21:48

I would nope out of Christmas day with them she will learn fast actions have consequences and hopefully fall back on your side before your child really notices it because a day of him being mean to you and everyone indulging him sounds fucking awful

And its the wrong example to set for your daughter too stop indulging him in your home ad he cant be respectful in your space he doesn't get to come into it

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 21:50

Just want to ask:

He was coming into your house to put dd to bed etc. Then your parents invited him to dd birthday party - and you said you were shocked and hurt. Why that reaction when it seems like at that point you were in a decent co parenting place?
As this was before you said he was bad mouthing you

Ddakji · 08/12/2025 21:53

Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:43

@Ddakji i actually think that sums up my mum’s mindset completely!

Show quote history

Grrrrr!

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:53

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 21:50

Just want to ask:

He was coming into your house to put dd to bed etc. Then your parents invited him to dd birthday party - and you said you were shocked and hurt. Why that reaction when it seems like at that point you were in a decent co parenting place?
As this was before you said he was bad mouthing you

Edited

@Hankunamatata because them inviting him
to an event feels like they are taking his side. Surely as my parents they hate what he did to me and understand it could be painful to have him welcomed in to my space?

OP posts:
Newlysinglemum1 · 08/12/2025 21:56

Does your mum struggle with the idea of you being a single mum?

My mum is like this and really hates that it's just me and dc. When I told her that he was cheating a couple of weeks after I gave birth she said I probably had put on too much weight and wasn't trying hard enough to satisfy him. He's not so much as asked about dc in the last almost 2 years but he sent a present for a birthday and she couldn't stop raving on about how great he was to do that because since he pays maintenance he shouldn't have to. The bar is on the floor for men and if your mum is like mine, then she's been raised with the mentality that any involvement from a father is praise worthy and has been brought up to center men's needs above all else. Its very sad really and its definitely affected our relationship as I don't think I'll really forgive her for that. I think all you can do is set clear boundaries with her and be direct about how it makes you feel when she does these things. There really is no need whatsoever for him to be there on Christmas day, he can be all means see her for a part of the day later on or on boxing day but few seperated parents are spending Christmas together. The fact he's becoming increasingly abusive to you and not taking accountability for himself means you need to shut this down quickly as well. This is your day too and you also get to have experiences with dd that are meaningful that don't include him. Your mum is not being helpful, she's being short sighted and over stepping. You're not wrong to feel like her loyalty should be with her dd and she should trust your judgement.

Newlysinglemum1 · 08/12/2025 21:59

How old is your dc and how long has he been back in her life and how long did the good behaviour last before he began being unpleasant towards you?

cadburygorilla · 08/12/2025 22:01

Newlysinglemum1 · 08/12/2025 21:56

Does your mum struggle with the idea of you being a single mum?

My mum is like this and really hates that it's just me and dc. When I told her that he was cheating a couple of weeks after I gave birth she said I probably had put on too much weight and wasn't trying hard enough to satisfy him. He's not so much as asked about dc in the last almost 2 years but he sent a present for a birthday and she couldn't stop raving on about how great he was to do that because since he pays maintenance he shouldn't have to. The bar is on the floor for men and if your mum is like mine, then she's been raised with the mentality that any involvement from a father is praise worthy and has been brought up to center men's needs above all else. Its very sad really and its definitely affected our relationship as I don't think I'll really forgive her for that. I think all you can do is set clear boundaries with her and be direct about how it makes you feel when she does these things. There really is no need whatsoever for him to be there on Christmas day, he can be all means see her for a part of the day later on or on boxing day but few seperated parents are spending Christmas together. The fact he's becoming increasingly abusive to you and not taking accountability for himself means you need to shut this down quickly as well. This is your day too and you also get to have experiences with dd that are meaningful that don't include him. Your mum is not being helpful, she's being short sighted and over stepping. You're not wrong to feel like her loyalty should be with her dd and she should trust your judgement.

I was thinking this. It’s giving “trying to keep up appearances” vibes, and make it seem like things are happier than what they really are

Izzywizzy85 · 08/12/2025 22:05

PollyBell · 08/12/2025 21:44

Well you chose to have a child with this man so it appears they are trying to what they think is bese for the child you both created so think of them as trying to helo with a bad situation

But it’s not their place?? The OP is an adult, a mother herself and they have no right to force her horrible ex on her. You’re right OP this is fucking awful behaviour. Where is their loyalty? Please tell them, calmly but firmly, how upset you are. That they need to prioritise their daughter over her ex, and that you’ll consider spending future christmases elsewhere if they don’t.

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 22:09

Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:53

@Hankunamatata because them inviting him
to an event feels like they are taking his side. Surely as my parents they hate what he did to me and understand it could be painful to have him welcomed in to my space?

Show quote history

But they weren't taking his side. They were following your example of how you maintained a civil relationship with dd dad for the sake of dd

And you cam dislike how someone treated you but still try to have civil relationship for sake of grandchildren

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 22:11

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 22:09

But they weren't taking his side. They were following your example of how you maintained a civil relationship with dd dad for the sake of dd

And you cam dislike how someone treated you but still try to have civil relationship for sake of grandchildren

Edited
Show quote history

@Hankunamatata gifts though? And asking my brother to get one too?

OP posts:
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