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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this is a shit way to treat your daughter?

53 replies

Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:19

Ex left me in pregnancy. He didn’t see DD until she was 1.5 years old. So he missed her birth her first birthday and left me to pick up everything. I had to claim CMS before he would contribute financially.

Since he met DD he has been a constant in her life. He sees her regularly but she has never stayed over as his shift pattern means it is difficult and he lives very far from her nursery. This means I have been really flexible with him coming into my home so he can have those moments of putting her to bed and and reading a story etc. She turned three in July and my parents have a large field at the back of their house. They offered to host the party. Ex dp came and I was ok with this despite my initial reaction at them wanting to invite him was one of hurt and shock.

They talked me round that it was best for DD that he was there. I felt uncomfortable as I felt like he was in ‘my’ life rather than just in DD ‘s life, as all my family were there. DD had a good day and I am glad I did it as it was important for her.

fast forward a few months and exdp has started being unpleasant with me, saying I am to blame for him not seeing Dd the first 1.5 years and so on. I’ve distanced myself from him and he still sees her but we don’t have a chat before he leaves to say much at all to each other anymore.

my mum has told me today that she has bought ex DP a few gifts (!!!) for Christmas as she hopes he comes (it’s being hosted at my parents) and that she doesn’t want him to feel left out. I feel sick and sad that my mum could do this. Surely after what he did to her daughter a card is enough??! She said she didn’t think it would be nice to not include him when everyone is sharing presents round and that she has asked my brother to also buy something for him.

I can’t even be bothered with a row with her but I just feel gutted she would even think like this. I don’t want him there on Christmas Day and he will likely see Dd in the evening anyway so he won’t be with my family but it’s not the point, they’ve assumed he will be there and seem to want to welcome him with open arms?! AIBU?

OP posts:
PigeonsandSquirrels · 08/12/2025 22:12

outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 21:43

Time to get a real custody schedule and he's no longer welcome to visits in your home.

Tell your mom to stay in her lane. I would guess you two don't have a great relationship. Is it possible ex has been poisoning the well telling her the sob story of how you forced him be a deadbeat dad for the first 1.5 years of your kid's life?

You need serious boundaries with your ex and your mom.

This. You need to recognise that you have needs for your health and happiness too not just everyone else.

He can sort out seeing her in a proper arrangement. Every other parent manages this… if that means he has to tell his boss no shifts on X night then so be it. He can’t be playing parent in your home.

Next is to tell your mum to stop being a silly bastard no of course she can’t invite your ex to Xmas and buy him gifts. If she does so then you and DD won’t be coming and they can celebrate with just ex.

Stand up for yourself woman, don’t let her or him treat you like a doormat.

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 22:13

Headinner · 08/12/2025 22:11

@Hankunamatata gifts though? And asking my brother to get one too?

Show quote history

Thats just having manners. Anyone invited to inlaws at Xmas gets presents. Its just polite

RamALamADingDong2 · 08/12/2025 22:15

A long time ago, I broke up with someone, and it was a long, painful, drawn-out situation. Literally begging me on the doorstep of my mum's house type stuff and me having to send him on his way, but I was resolute. My mum was gutted - she loved him. Anyway, he finally got the message. About 2 weeks later though, I come home to my mums after a long day at work - cheeky bugger is there sat on the couch with her watching TV and having a cuppa! He'd been there for hours, they'd been having a cosy chat as if it was totally normal! Absolutely batshit. So, no, OP, YANBU. Your situation is way more serious than mine was and your mum is being overfriendly IMO.

Supersimkin7 · 08/12/2025 22:15

It is a betrayal. DM is sticking her nose in when it’s not wanted.

They could have asked you first who you wanted to see at Xmas.

Does she often disrespect like this? How much does she do for you and DD?

You’ll have to talk it through with DM calmly. List why you’re hurt, why she’s behaved badly and why she’s risking your and DD’s wellbeing.

Newlysinglemum1 · 08/12/2025 22:20

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 22:09

But they weren't taking his side. They were following your example of how you maintained a civil relationship with dd dad for the sake of dd

And you cam dislike how someone treated you but still try to have civil relationship for sake of grandchildren

Edited
Show quote history

"They were following your example of how you maintained a civil relationship with dd dad for the sake of dd"

But op says they had to convince her into the birthday party etc. She didn't want that and they've railroaded their opinions on her. And because that happened to work out ok they now feel entitled to do the same again. But the situation has changed and ops ex has become difficult and nasty towards her. So they aren't just following her example- they're doing what THEY think is best. And the issue with that is that it's not their call - its OPs decision as the mother and the full time provider.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 08/12/2025 22:21

I think you need to tell your mum that you and DD won’t be coming if your ex is. You need to set proper boundaries and be an example for your child. Don’t allow others to treat you badly.

FuzzyWolf · 08/12/2025 22:28

YANBU. I wouldn’t go to see my parents on Christmas Day if they did that. As you don’t want your DD to miss out, I would pop along for a short visit and not give them the times so they can’t arrange it with your ex.

Perhaps add a few extra gifts for the boyfriend your mum had before your dad as well.

Cadenza12 · 08/12/2025 22:35

You don't have to put up with it though. You get a say. Find your voice, if your ex is invited then you're making alternative arrangements. Get a grip.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 08/12/2025 22:42

This isn't on.
Is she hoping you will get back together as she is ashamed of you being a single mum or something? (not that that is fair at all!)
How long were you together?

Rosamutabilis · 08/12/2025 22:47

I don't understand why you haven't already exploded at your mum inviting your ex for Christmas, what possessed her to do such a thing? The gifts and telling your brother to buy one is just ridiculous.

I would tell her that she can invite who she likes at Christmas but the fact she's invited your ex is extremely hurtful and if she insists on him being there you and your daughter won't be. You are not together, so he celebrates Christmas apart from you, in his own place and you make arrangements when he can see daughter. I've never ever heard of an ex having Christmas with their ex and family, it's really weird of your mother to invite him.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2025 22:55

I would send a clear message to both of your parents explaining that he did not treat you or DD well at the beginning of her life, while you want him to be in DD's life he has started being unpleasant to you and this takes a toll. So while overall you agree it's in DD's best interests for her dad to be at her birthday party, Christmas is different and you are not comfortable with him being invited for Christmas and it will spoil the day for you and that you will ensure that DD gets to spend time with him over christmas. This is your boundary. You cannot let this set a precedent so if there is any pushback or they invite him or you show up and he is there then you will need to say you and DD are not attending or just leave (enforcing your boundary).

Interpink · 08/12/2025 23:09

I have a mother like this. It is utterly gut wrenching to see betrayal in all its glory AND be expected to be somehow grateful for keeping him involved. He left you at your most vulnerable and doesn’t deserve the steam off your coffee. Your mum sounds like mine - she could not or would not deal with having a divorced daughter and would regularly side with my abusive ex on the basis that he didn’t raise his fist to me.

We are civil now but I will never ever ever forgive her for that.

Agapornis · 08/12/2025 23:11

Very strange behaviour of her. My sister is no longer with the father of her children. There is no way he's invited to the family Christmas, and certainly not without checking with my sister first, and no one would buy him any gifts.

Stay home and have a Christmas for two. Ask you dad about his exes from before your mum on all your future visits, in her presence of course 😈

TippityTappity2 · 08/12/2025 23:17

No no no no no. Your mum’s loyalty lies with you and your child. Not with your ex partner. She should do whatever she can to support the relationship that your child has with her father, supposing it’s mutual and beneficial for you and your child, otherwise she needs to back off. She should be taking direction from you on this, not the other way round. She’s out of line. You call the shots!

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 08/12/2025 23:18

saying I am to blame for him not seeing Dd the first 1.5 years and so on

I know this isn't your main question, but even if this were true in any way, only the most useless of fathers wouldn't have tried to fight you hard in the courts to gain the right to see his child.

How does he explain why, bless him, he just couldn't quite find it in his heart to be bothered enough to do this?

Anyahyacinth · 08/12/2025 23:18

Your Mum is giving off huge pick me vibes ..really unpleasant and unsupportive..sorry OP 💐

DallazMajor · 08/12/2025 23:25

I just wouldn’t go.

I have Narc parents and they have nearly finished me off with their bullshit over the years.

researchers3 · 08/12/2025 23:31

Pollqueen · 08/12/2025 21:33

This. Your mother is way out of line and you need to sit her down and spell it out to her. It is not up to her to facilitate a relationship between your ex and your daughter

If she insists on inviting him I would flatly refuse to go and my daughter wouldn't be going either. I had a mother very similar to this and I'm raging on your behalf

This. She's either a bit (very dim) or a massive shit stirrer.

Either way, put your foot down.

Fdsew · 08/12/2025 23:31

OP, your mother sounds so disloyal.
What are your parents thinking inviting him to the party without your permission.
Awful.

What is your situation?
Because it reeks of toxic parents that think they know best.

You need to start thinking exactly what works for you.

Are your parents hugely involved in childcare that they seem to think they decide about him and inviting him to Christmas?

Is it time you pulled back from them?
It does read as the actions of a Narc-ish parent.

Perhaps rethink Christmas with them.

Your parents need shit spelt out to them clearly.
Time to be very clear on what you expect from them.
If they are providing huge support, can you do without it realistically?
Huge support often comes with huge strings attached.

TheAutumnCrow · 08/12/2025 23:33

Headinner · 08/12/2025 22:11

@Hankunamatata gifts though? And asking my brother to get one too?

Show quote history

I think you’re absolutely right, @Headinner. Some posters on here are, as ever, being obtuse and odd.

Okiedokie123 · 08/12/2025 23:40

I think I would tell them that if they want to spend Christmas Day with him that’s up to them but you’ll be staying at home. And you visit them Christmas Eve/Boxing Day instead. No way would I tolerate playing happy families like that with a man who dumped me when pregnant.

Member984815 · 09/12/2025 08:47

You won't be depriving your daughter of anything by not spending Christmas with your parents , there are lots of other days she can spend with them . They seem to be trying to orchestrate a happy family that doesn't exist. I think it's time you went the formal route for custody . Your parents shouldn't have a say in any of it . Have a special day with your daughter make your own traditions.

Peanutssuck · 09/12/2025 09:15

My mother did this when I separated from DC1s father. He was still invited to everything, still given presents and cards at Xmas, on birthdays etc. She refused to take down our wedding photo, even when I'd met and remarried my second husband. Apparently it was to "keep (my) DC1 happy"....but by upsetting her own DC in the process? I have forgiven her for a lot of things since she passed, but this is something I could never get past

notatinydancer · 09/12/2025 11:38

PollyBell · 08/12/2025 21:44

Well you chose to have a child with this man so it appears they are trying to what they think is bese for the child you both created so think of them as trying to helo with a bad situation

She probably hasn’t got a crystal ball so didn’t realise he was going to be a shit father. Why do people say this ? People aren’t psychic.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2025 11:48

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2025 22:09

But they weren't taking his side. They were following your example of how you maintained a civil relationship with dd dad for the sake of dd

And you cam dislike how someone treated you but still try to have civil relationship for sake of grandchildren

Edited
Show quote history

Of course they are taking his side. They are bending over backwards to treat a man, who abandoned their pregnant daughter and who ignored her and his own baby daughter for 18 months, with more kindness and generosity than they have shown to OP.

If someone treated my daughter like that, I would be icily polite if he was in my grandchild's life but I certainly wouldn't treat him like the flipping prodigal son and kill the fatted calf for him. I also wouldn't fawn over him in a way that made my daughter feel uncomfortable.

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