To feel like this is a shit way to treat your daughter?

[Headinner]

Ex left me in pregnancy. He didn’t see DD until she was 1.5 years old. So he missed her birth her first birthday and left me to pick up everything. I had to claim CMS before he would contribute financially.

Since he met DD he has been a constant in her life. He sees her regularly but she has never stayed over as his shift pattern means it is difficult and he lives very far from her nursery. This means I have been really flexible with him coming into my home so he can have those moments of putting her to bed and and reading a story etc. She turned three in July and my parents have a large field at the back of their house. They offered to host the party. Ex dp came and I was ok with this despite my initial reaction at them wanting to invite him was one of hurt and shock.

They talked me round that it was best for DD that he was there. I felt uncomfortable as I felt like he was in ‘my’ life rather than just in DD ‘s life, as all my family were there. DD had a good day and I am glad I did it as it was important for her.

fast forward a few months and exdp has started being unpleasant with me, saying I am to blame for him not seeing Dd the first 1.5 years and so on. I’ve distanced myself from him and he still sees her but we don’t have a chat before he leaves to say much at all to each other anymore.

my mum has told me today that she has bought ex DP a few gifts (!!!) for Christmas as she hopes he comes (it’s being hosted at my parents) and that she doesn’t want him to feel left out. I feel sick and sad that my mum could do this. Surely after what he did to her daughter a card is enough??! She said she didn’t think it would be nice to not include him when everyone is sharing presents round and that she has asked my brother to also buy something for him.

I can’t even be bothered with a row with her but I just feel gutted she would even think like this. I don’t want him there on Christmas Day and he will likely see Dd in the evening anyway so he won’t be with my family but it’s not the point, they’ve assumed he will be there and seem to want to welcome him with open arms?! AIBU?

I understand manners and putting on a good face for things but as ive grown older I also learned about boundaries here is my opinion take them or leave them

1, he needs to sort out caring for his own child at his own place he isnt respectful of you he doesn't get to come into your place and play daddy you have to work around your child he can do the same

2, your parents are clearly of an opinion that family should stay together and are trying to bring him in to the fold you dont need to be kind and put up with this its diminishing your experience and validating his piss poor behaviour because "no parent would invite their child's abuser for dinner right?" And "he cant have been THAT bad SHE must have done something to him" so I would not attend i would suggest to my ex times he can have her and cook for myself

Taking control can be peaceful

I would give her the reaction I feel. Be open and if she is then a disappointment you get to decide your next boundary.
She is being really inappropriate. Be clear that he is your ex, that he is being difficult and you are no longer bending over backwards to accommodate him. He sorts out his own visitation arrangements, he is not invited to anything that you are attending and I would hope your brother is on your side but I would message him and say who knows why mum wants you to buy my abusive ex a gift but unless you have some laxative laced chocolates going spare, please don’t bother.

see how they behave and go from there. It’s telling that hit are scared of being difficult. Be difficult - people start treating you better. If they don’t sod them - what was the point if they were never in your side?

Yes, they should understand that but they clearly don't so you're going to have to spell it out for them.