To hate what I’ve become

Grimandbearit · 2025-12-08T21:06:42+00:00

Not really an AIBU but asking if anybody has ever been depressed and come through the other side? I used to be the funny, chatty, outgoing girl, I’ve never been skinny but curvy and used to enjoy going out and having fun with my friends in my late teens and through my 20s, until I met my husband when I was 31 and we’ve been together 13 yrs. 7 years ago I started having health issues, with my stomach and I injured my back and had to have spinal surgery where I ended up with nerve damage and inability to lift my left arm past 90°. I was then diagnosed with colitis and I’ve had some issues with my blood clotting and developed diabetes due to medication. I am also, due to pain, stomach issues and medication, a size 22 and 6 stone heavier than I was 5 years ago. Due to colitis, all fruit and veg makes me vomit or have diarrhoea. I can’t exercise due to back pain, knee pain and I tried swimming but as I can’t use one of my arms very well, I found it impossible to move properly and I got in people’s way. I went to my local leisure centre and they said they wouldn’t be insured for me to use the equipment and my best bet would be to walk. I started walking round the park by me and got taunted by teenagers calling me a fat b**** so I went home, cried and hid under the duvet. I’ve realised that at the age of 44, I no longer want to struggle as I hate that I can’t control my illness, weight or life any more. I went to see my GP today and said I’m on the verge of overdosing on my meds just to stop the struggle and the doctor said I need to stop being hysterical and come to terms with my lot in life. She said I’m likely perimenopausal so I’ve got to go for a blood test. I’ve had enough of constant medical appointments, medication and can’t believe what my life has become.

Iseeyou99 · 08/12/2025 21:08

Are you under a good gastro team?

Are you on top level meds? There are a lot of options now such as injections that suppress the immune system. Sometimes you have to fight for the best treatment.

schoolfriend · 08/12/2025 21:10

Gosh this sounds terribly hard. I’m sure other people might have more useful advice but walking really is great exercise and great for the soul. I quite like urban walks which might mane you feel less self conscious. Or perhaps getting right out into the countryside? I hope things improve

Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:11

Iseeyou99 · 08/12/2025 21:08

Are you under a good gastro team?

Are you on top level meds? There are a lot of options now such as injections that suppress the immune system. Sometimes you have to fight for the best treatment.

Yes I’m under a gastro team and I’m on biologic injections. As they suppress my immune system, I end up with everything going, colds, coughs etc and they make me exhausted and achy

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Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:18

schoolfriend · 08/12/2025 21:10

Gosh this sounds terribly hard. I’m sure other people might have more useful advice but walking really is great exercise and great for the soul. I quite like urban walks which might mane you feel less self conscious. Or perhaps getting right out into the countryside? I hope things improve

I can’t walk for long without needing a seat due to my nerve damage in my spine so it needs to be where there are benches so I can walk a bit, sit a bit, and so on. Unfortunately these horrible teenagers are always about.

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schoolfriend · 08/12/2025 21:20

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:18

I can’t walk for long without needing a seat due to my nerve damage in my spine so it needs to be where there are benches so I can walk a bit, sit a bit, and so on. Unfortunately these horrible teenagers are always about.

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Urgh, what awful little shits. Can you cycle?

Iseeyou99 · 08/12/2025 21:21

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:18

I can’t walk for long without needing a seat due to my nerve damage in my spine so it needs to be where there are benches so I can walk a bit, sit a bit, and so on. Unfortunately these horrible teenagers are always about.

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I understand. I have a plethora of conditions. I also hate being round teenagers myself because of feeling and looking so vulnerable.

If you can look up local hydrotherapy pools, this can offer some pain relief, easier than walking, and emotional escape.

Then i would look at counseling for yourself. You have a lot of pressure on you. It's understandable you feel this way.

Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:22

schoolfriend · 08/12/2025 21:20

Urgh, what awful little shits. Can you cycle?

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Unfortunately not due to my arm.

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Azandme · 08/12/2025 21:23

Your GPs reaction was appalling. Your first step could be finding one who isn't a dick.

Coffeeblanketandabookplz · 08/12/2025 21:25

Those teens are absolute dickheads and im gutted for you that they put you off walking! Walking is the only exercise I do and apart from burning calories its also so good for clearing my head. Ive got a dog who needs walked so he keeps me in a routine with it.

Could you try one of those walking pads temporarily just to get your fitness up and then move on to walks outside? Ive seen them on tiktok, stick your headphones on and listen to a good podcast or watch a documentary while using it so it doesn't become boring.

schoolfriend · 08/12/2025 21:26

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:22

Unfortunately not due to my arm.

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☹️

Thought I’d mention, just in case you aren’t aware, some bikes have a very upright position which doesn’t require much range of arm motion at all. I’ll put in a pic but that will take a while to approve. I searched for ‘sit up and beg bike’ to give you an idea. It’s a long shot but in case that looks more doable..

mellongoose · 08/12/2025 21:27

I agree with persisting with walking. Can you walk elsewhere? Get a running machine at home?

Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:29

schoolfriend · 08/12/2025 21:26

☹️

Thought I’d mention, just in case you aren’t aware, some bikes have a very upright position which doesn’t require much range of arm motion at all. I’ll put in a pic but that will take a while to approve. I searched for ‘sit up and beg bike’ to give you an idea. It’s a long shot but in case that looks more doable..

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Thank you. I have sciatica due to the nerve so I don’t think I’d be able to pedal with my left leg either.

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Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:31

Azandme · 08/12/2025 21:23

Your GPs reaction was appalling. Your first step could be finding one who isn't a dick.

This is my 3rd GP unbelievably.

I switched surgery as previous one kept losing my blood samples.

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Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 08/12/2025 21:32

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:18

I can’t walk for long without needing a seat due to my nerve damage in my spine so it needs to be where there are benches so I can walk a bit, sit a bit, and so on. Unfortunately these horrible teenagers are always about.

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What about a tread mill? Open window in the summer or outside on decking.
walk whilst you watch a nice tv programme?
positive affirmations etc on CD and listen all the time

Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:32

Coffeeblanketandabookplz · 08/12/2025 21:25

Those teens are absolute dickheads and im gutted for you that they put you off walking! Walking is the only exercise I do and apart from burning calories its also so good for clearing my head. Ive got a dog who needs walked so he keeps me in a routine with it.

Could you try one of those walking pads temporarily just to get your fitness up and then move on to walks outside? Ive seen them on tiktok, stick your headphones on and listen to a good podcast or watch a documentary while using it so it doesn't become boring.

I’m trying to persuade my husband for a dog but we have a cat and work full time so maybe not the time. I haven’t heard of a walking pad. I will research it. Thank you x

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grizzlyoldbear · 08/12/2025 21:33

It sounds like you've been struggling a lot with not much support. I am so sorry to hear what a tough time it's been.

Can you get some more support, a therapist? It sounds very lonely. Sending you hugs.

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 08/12/2025 21:33

Oh yes and find a good and better GP and a decent counsellor and cut yourself some slack you are going well considering what life has thrown at you ! 💐

Didntask · 08/12/2025 21:33

Get yourself a walking pad - start with something on fb marketplace etc, grab something cheap and 2nd hand, see how you get on.

PrincessNannie · 08/12/2025 21:34

Can you get a cheap treadmill for your home. If not there are loads of walking exercises on You Tube. I used Leslie Sansom walk for fitness just google Leslie Sansom. You can do it in your lounge with no equipment. Ignore the crappy teenagers and if you can (I know it is not easy) but get a new doctor.
You can do this.

Original poster

Grimandbearit · 08/12/2025 21:37

Thanks for your messages.
Just to add, I did have counselling but the NHS will no longer fund it and, as I missed a lot of work in my previous job, I was fired on grounds of ill health. I recently started a new one and I can’t yet afford counselling privately. We got into debt when I was out of work so we need to get ourselves straight again first.
I will research the walking pad.

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TiredofLDN · 08/12/2025 21:37

Where abouts are you based OP? There are personal trainers (not physios- PTs) who specialize in working with people who have disabilities - and will tailor the work outs and support to your particular needs. It’s not cheap but I think if you could pay for a block of 6 or 10 sessions to get specialist routines in place, and get your form sorted out, you would probably only spend about as much as you would on an annual gym membership, and get a lot more out of it.

Poetnojo · 08/12/2025 21:43

Right, I might get flamed for this, but I'd download ChatGpt or similar and type in everything that's wrong, come up with some tips or suggestions for improvements you could make that might make your life a little better for you. I would second the treadmill. I got one from amazon a few months ago and I find it great, it was around £125 so not extortionate. With ChatGpt you can tweak your questions as you go and see if it throws up anything useful to you.

DisappointedD · 08/12/2025 21:43

This was me a couple of years ago. I have IBD and also bowel prolapse. Exercise was so hard due to the constant need for toilet access, lower back pain from the prolapse etc. I was embarrassed and sad.

One day I just decided enough was enough. I started a calorie deficit diet. I also can’t eat whole fruits and vegs but can make lovely soups to get some goodness into my body. Calorie deficit means I can eat foods that agree with me. Once I’d started to lose the weight. I started walking on the treadmill at the gym. Then outside then I started some classes etc.

In the last year I’ve lost 5 & half stone. My bowels are the best they have been in a long time, my back pain has pretty much gone.

It’s been a long hard journey (and still not over) but worth every second. I feel like a different person.

Duckchops · 08/12/2025 21:47

Have you come across the sitting/lying/low mobility exercises? I get adverts for a lot of them (possibly due to age and general infirmity) and they look good. I think one is called lazy fit or something 🙄. I'm also very low mobility and too limited to do them as I can't manage the weight of my limbs, but I've wondered about trying them if I could!

Swacademic · 08/12/2025 21:49

Our local gym is a social enterprise and they have a scheme (I think it's linked with health services) where you can get an advisor to help you figure out fitness/using equipment if you have a health condition. It's a bit like having a personal trainer but free with specialist guidance and for a limited number of sessions. Could be worth seeing if there are any schemes like that in your area?
This is the scheme
https://www.better.org.uk/what-we-offer/activities/healthwise