To hate what I’ve become

[Grimandbearit]

Not really an AIBU but asking if anybody has ever been depressed and come through the other side?

I used to be the funny, chatty, outgoing girl, I’ve never been skinny but curvy and used to enjoy going out and having fun with my friends in my late teens and through my 20s, until I met my husband when I was 31 and we’ve been together 13 yrs.
7 years ago I started having health issues, with my stomach and I injured my back and had to have spinal surgery where I ended up with nerve damage and inability to lift my left arm past 90°. I was then diagnosed with colitis and I’ve had some issues with my blood clotting and developed diabetes due to medication.
I am also, due to pain, stomach issues and medication, a size 22 and 6 stone heavier than I was 5 years ago. Due to colitis, all fruit and veg makes me vomit or have diarrhoea.
I can’t exercise due to back pain, knee pain and I tried swimming but as I can’t use one of my arms very well, I found it impossible to move properly and I got in people’s way.
I went to my local leisure centre and they said they wouldn’t be insured for me to use the equipment and my best bet would be to walk.
I started walking round the park by me and got taunted by teenagers calling me a fat b so I went home, cried and hid under the duvet.
I’ve realised that at the age of 44, I no longer want to struggle as I hate that I can’t control my illness, weight or life any more. I went to see my GP today and said I’m on the verge of overdosing on my meds just to stop the struggle and the doctor said I need to stop being hysterical and come to terms with my lot in life. She said I’m likely perimenopausal so I’ve got to go for a blood test. I’ve had enough of constant medical appointments, medication and can’t believe what my life has become.

Sounds tough OP and those kids were awful. Would you feel comfortable popping a chair at the front of your house and doing some shuttle walks maybe starting between your house to one or two doors down, back yours for a sit and then repeat? Maybe see if you can build up to walking more houses in between needing to come back for a break?

it will be hard going to begin with but you will certainly begin to see the benefits. Wishing you well with this, OP!

Is there a shopping centre near where you live where you can get yours steps in, and sit and rest when you need to? It sounds like you are really struggling but please don’t give up on yourself. Also your doctor sounds like a bitchy cow. HRT should help with the joint pain, and as crazy as it sounds a grounding mat improved both my sleep and joint pain as well. Worth a try!

I feel safer on a treadmill than a walking pad as it has the arms on either side for balance.

Would you be suitable for weight loss injections with your other medications?

Do you have a break from the injections until your illness has cleared up? Just checking as my partner wasn’t aware to begin with that he was meant to do this.

I would agree. I hope you find some who treats you with some compassion. That sounds really hard, sending you a hug x

Second this. I have chronic illnesses and getting very little support from the nhs and chatgpt has been a huge help in helping me understand what’s going on and come up with a plan of what to do next

I'm so sorry. 💐 Life can be so shit and cruel for no reason.

Hi op, I just wanted to reach out with some empathy. I was diagnosed with a life changing condition when I was 36. It's so hard! I really think there's a unique shitness to getting really ill in your 30s/40s, which is hard for other people to understand. People who say 'you just need to accept your lot' - okay if I was maybe 15-20 years older it could be a slightly easier pill to swallow, but I'm not surrounded by a peer group going through a similar thing (my condition is also very rare).

I'm now 10 years into the journey and lessons for me have been:

Nutrition and sleep are everything- without these I'm not giving myself the best chance..I don't need to be perfect but 80% is a good balance.

Finding a balance with exercise is key - rip up the rule book and devise what works for you. My honest opinion is that there's always something you can do, be consistent with it 3 x a week, and then just build on it, when it gets boring switch it up or go up a level.

Don't give up - I went to netball and had to leave as I couldn't keep up. But I then discovered a sport called walking netball and its fabulous.

Highly recommend walking pads, I got the Urevo on Amazon and its ace.

Also if you have a Better You gym near you, you can apply for a National Disability card (with a letter from your GP) and the card gives you membership nationwide for just £26 a month. With the ND card, I also got a Carers Card for the National Trust, so I can take anyone with me for free, no ID required for them. I'm happy to take anything I can that will help me stay fit.

I've probably been on / off depressed since the diagnosis but can honestly say I think I'm now in a better place.

My local talking therapies does a group course called Living with a Chronic Health Condition - there may be something similar in your area.

I also had therapy to help me with the really hard stuff, the parts of my condition that I really struggle to live with. You should be able to keep referring yourself for CBT.

Sorry OP, that's proper tough going. I hear you over changing over the time, similar here with ongoing issues and daily rubbish wears down even the most positive of us.

I've not read everything, apologies but wondered if you were under a specialist pain clinic? Not just one that wants to give you codeine or tramadol (both been proven not to work on nerve pain). Nerve block injections I had for chronic pelvic pain and they for me at least, took away about 90% of the pain over a set of 3 and can be repeated over a few years. They can be offered but the skills of the pain clinician is really important, as well as knowing that a set of 3 is the best way to really get hold of it, whereas a lot offer just the one.

If in the Londonish area, the doc I saw only does private now as he's done his long stint in the NHS, but happy to pass on his name via message if you want. He was by far the best doctor I have ever had and really knows his stuff and no lie, he gave me back my life somewhat.

Take good care.

Oh op, this was heart-breaking to read. I am so glad you reached out and that some posters might have some good, practical advice, because your GP sounds horrific.

The teenagers were revolting. I'm not going to say ignore them because I can understand how the taunting would have felt, but really they are not worth the headspace.

Bodies can be treacherous things to good people.

I don't want to minimise your struggle by having trite suggestions, but could you start by trying just one thing every day to move towards a better situation. I realise a lot of it is stuff you have no control over, but even just starting with a few strengthening exercises from home, or an extra glass of water a day for hydration - little things that can make us feel better - and build up. Just anything manageable, however small, to help you feel you are moving forward, not getting mired down.

And do push for a good gp. You have not had the professionalism and kindness you deserve.

Don't hate yourself: you honestly sound as though you are coping with such a lot, and let yourself feel proud of that.

I'm so sorry OP 😢 That sounds really tough.

I'm am example of someone who's the same age as you, perimenopausal, and had a lot of health issues over the past decade. Like you, it's safe to say that it's changed me as a result, and made me feel pretty depressed and not in control of my body or health 😵‍💫😟

A decade ago, I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. It gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined and is very bizarre. My body is changed permanently as a result, and I am now very sensitive to medication side effects, especially when somd can make my movement disorder symptoms worse 😢

As a result, I've found the symptoms of perimenopause really tough, much tougher than I guess i anticipated them being. Horrible gingivitis, worse migraines, and dreadful brain fog and panic attacks. I'm sure my whole body is just totally different to when I was a young, extremely fit younger woman, running half marathons with no worries.

Bit by bit, I've had to accept that I am a different person. My neurological movement disorder is crappy, really weird movements like my tongue and mouth moving on their own, and it's made me feel horrible and freaky at times. But it's also made me stronger through the struggles, more empathetic of those with chronic illness, and certainly very sympathetic to those with severe depression and anxiety. I had a horrible breakdown after my concussion (and also had three other concussions), so i understand how debilitating mental health problems can be.

I think you should try to be kinder to yourself. I'm sure you are being very stoical, doing the best you can under the circumstances, and need to celebrate all the good days you have.

Sending you huge hugs. I understand and think you'll be able to be ok ❤️

Would you qualify for wegovy on the NHS?

Can I ask if you don't mind what your condition is? I understand if you dont want to say. You sound like it has affected you in a similar way to how mine affected me mentally, and i really related to all you said in your reply, especially about the way having a condition in your 30s and 40s is so hard.

Oh I feel you. It is so hard dealing with chronic health conditions.

Im under an intestinal failure unit and they are doing amazing work on the mental health implications of IVD - look up Dr Molton. Perhaps his research will help the GP see that it is so important to use medication to help the mental health implications plus the brain gut interactions?

More than anything though, sending you love. Compassion for yourself is the first step - you’re allowed to think it’s rubbish and unfair before pulling yourself back up to try fight for better treatment xx

WTF is your GP playing at?? It has just made it worse for you and made you spiral. Arsehole.
I'm sorry OP💙

Gosh really feeling for you @Grimandbearit, and others on this thread. @NooNooHead in particular- I had a relative with dystonia following antipsychotics. It's just an awful condition, she had full body jerking - really scary and upsetting. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Look at "borrow my dog" on facebook or maybe volunteer at a dog rescue as a walker?

But please keep going, you've been amazingly strong so far. Your gp was rubbish to talk to you that way. I'd have got nothing but sympathy and support from mine.

I could have written this post and I really feel for you OP. I’ve had Bowel cancer and the surgery and treatment I had to have for that has left me with a permanent stoma, a bladder with a mind of its own and diseased bones in my hips and pelvis. I’ve had both hips replaced this year and have now been on crutches for over a year. I have scoliosis (my spine has a massive curve in it due to ageing) and spinal stenosis which means that, like you, I can’t walk far without having to sit down. I’m currently having physio to get me walking again after my hip ops but my back is so painful it’s miserable. To top it all I had my eyes tested recently and now have to see an eye specialist. I’m so sick of hospitals and just want to be left alone for a bit. I’ve tried so hard to stay positive but I am so reliant on my husband as I can’t drive at the moment. I keep being told that I’ll get better in time but I’ll never be slim and fit again. I’m a lot older than you - I’m 64 and unable to work but I do get PIP (sorry PIP haters - I don’t get a free car). Really hoping 2026 is an improvement on 2025! Sending best wishes to you OP and just wanted to say I know how you feel. 💐

It's so rare (c300 people in UK), if I mention the name I'll have to name change as its outing.

Joining a group of walkers might solve the problem you have had with those little shits calling you names. They’re probably too cowardly to say anything to a group of people but even if they did it wouldn’t smart as much or feel as intimidating as it does when you are alone.

My local authority website has information about walking groups for different fitness levels. Maybe yours (or your library, facebook) has the same. As you need to sit down during a walk you might find that a group walk with older people will work well for you. Don’t let that put you off.

Weight loss injections.
A twenty minute walk a day
Some counselling can be offered free of charge - especially any charity based organisation. If you have a chronic illness, you should be offered help.

You have been through a horrendous time with your health, none of this is your fault op. Your dr sounds heartless. Of course you are feeling sad and depressed. I have a chronic illness too, and it can debilitating.

Not sure if it’s possible for you as it is a bit on the expensive side. I got an i fit running / walking machine. It’s been amazing though not cheap. I bought it on klana instalments to help with the initial cost -£1800 roughly, and it comes with I fit. It has a big screen and I can watch different programmes etc. I fit is about £30 p/m for membership. I realise this is loads and probably too much for lots of people. If there is any way you could afford it, it’s so good. I follow mainly American trainers walking round the world in different environments. It’s so good for mental health. I hike up different mountain ranges and love looking at all the different scenery. There’s plenty of just walking programmes. You can also just watch tv. Makes me feel so much better I’d recommend it to anyone, but could also help with your mental health / getting good and regular exercise without seeing those little shits in the park.

Report the GP. That's absolutely awful. There must be another GP in your practice.

When we're at a really low point, it can be helpful to just find one small thing to change that we can do for ourselves. Something not too hard that you can stick to.

The thing which stands out from your post to me is that you sound very low about yourself and a bit trapped my your situation.

Weight loss is a big, long term goal. It would be better to pick something small which is likely to have a shorter term positive impact. Make it entirely for you to prove to yourself you can make changes successfully and expand your current position.

Something like - taking a 10 minute walk outside in the daylight every day. Not to lose weight, to make sure you're getting daylight and exercise and giving yourself some sort of routine you can build off later on. Make the purpose of it just to stick to and embed that change in your life.

My MiL has a walking stick which has a little chair which flips out from it. You could use this to take little breaks, then you don't have to walk in the park, you can pick a lovely place somewhere which will make you feel good for being outside.

Don't worry about what other people thing, you have to prioritise what you feel, and what you need to do is feel better.

If that isn't the sort of thing which makes you feel better then you could make yourself some kind of special food and freeze it, or regularly give yourself a pedicure. Some self care and self love are in order.

There's a type of therapy called Compassion Focussed Therapy which you can do free online courses on. I feel like that might be really helpful.

Your post really resonated with me. I've had some big health issues in the last couple of years which feels like my life got split into bedore/after. Almost like two separate lives.

Also go back to a different GP and ask a specific question like - are there hospital exercise classes for people with disabilities or can I try a short course of antidepressants.

Our hospital had specific schemes for people who can't participate in exercise in a gym

But know what outcome you want before you go to the GP and be direct.

Advocating for yourself in the NHS is necessary at the moment, but can also make you feel better.

Side note: perimenopause isn't diagnosed by a blood test. It's based off specific symptoms. It says so in the NICE guidelines and the NHS Webpages. Your GP is wrong about that too. Complain about that too !

OP, you are having such a tough time, it sounds like a non stop avalanche of bad luck.
You’re doing well to keep going with trying new things, it must be exhausting.

i would second asking about wegovy/mounjaro etc, your bmi might make you suitable, and it is a bit of a miracle worker for people I know, you have to manage your diet with what you do eat, to make sure you don’t lose muscle, I think.

You can refer yourself to your local Mind organisation for free therapy, you can always call The Samaritans if you are feeling really low again, I know they would be more sympathetic than your GP!!!

I know you are skint right now, but consider saving a bit towards a personal trainer, if they are experienced they are full of good ideas and might be really helpful, they could find you a good walking route with benches, or find an indoors solution.

Most of all, give yourself a pat on the back for looking after yourself so far, it’s been a lot to manage, but be kind to yourself and acknowledge how hard it’s been, and be proud you have kept on top of things, and moving forward. I’m not sure I could have done as well as you.

I can't walk far because of a neurological condition. I found walking in the shallow end of a swimming pool the best form of exercise as you are not using your arms and you do not feel the weight of your legs. That exercise helped me lose all my Covid weight gain. I thought I would never lose it because of my inability to exercise. Hope that or the walking pad idea helps.

I still can't walk or use my arm properly but I feel better in myself for having lost the weight x