To hate what I’ve become

[Grimandbearit]

Not really an AIBU but asking if anybody has ever been depressed and come through the other side?

I used to be the funny, chatty, outgoing girl, I’ve never been skinny but curvy and used to enjoy going out and having fun with my friends in my late teens and through my 20s, until I met my husband when I was 31 and we’ve been together 13 yrs.
7 years ago I started having health issues, with my stomach and I injured my back and had to have spinal surgery where I ended up with nerve damage and inability to lift my left arm past 90°. I was then diagnosed with colitis and I’ve had some issues with my blood clotting and developed diabetes due to medication.
I am also, due to pain, stomach issues and medication, a size 22 and 6 stone heavier than I was 5 years ago. Due to colitis, all fruit and veg makes me vomit or have diarrhoea.
I can’t exercise due to back pain, knee pain and I tried swimming but as I can’t use one of my arms very well, I found it impossible to move properly and I got in people’s way.
I went to my local leisure centre and they said they wouldn’t be insured for me to use the equipment and my best bet would be to walk.
I started walking round the park by me and got taunted by teenagers calling me a fat b so I went home, cried and hid under the duvet.
I’ve realised that at the age of 44, I no longer want to struggle as I hate that I can’t control my illness, weight or life any more. I went to see my GP today and said I’m on the verge of overdosing on my meds just to stop the struggle and the doctor said I need to stop being hysterical and come to terms with my lot in life. She said I’m likely perimenopausal so I’ve got to go for a blood test. I’ve had enough of constant medical appointments, medication and can’t believe what my life has become.

Firstly this is a lot to deal with, and you sound like you’re trying really hard to get back on track. Please don’t give up. Step one get yourself a decent and empathetic GP, ditch the one you’ve got. You might be peri which will affect your mood, joints and gut. A blood test is useless. You might want to consider HRT. Exercise is important but weight loss will only come through good nutrition. Could you ask your doctor for an appointment with a nutritionist who will tell you how to do this with your colitis? I do think you need some support and you might want to reach out to some of the IBD charities. I hope you feel better soon because you sound lovely.

ive found the same with chat gpt. NHS useless with support with my mental health, disorder eating and neurodivergence and so I admittedly reluctantly tried chat gpt for help. I was really surprised at how useful it was. I know it has its issues and I’d never use it (personally, although I see why people do) as a therapist but it’s given me very useful insights and tips

The walking pad is a great idea. Weight loss is about 90% diet so I'd look into what changes you can make there.

I'm so sorry you were harassed like that!

I have arthritis in all my joints OP so I sympathise.

I also cannot swim, but what I can do is exercises given to me by the hydrotherapy physios.

Try to get an appointment with a physio.

It might be worth it, if you can afford it, to use a hotel pool as they are usually empty.

OP, in case you want to try indoor walking - maybe to get your confidence up a bit before going outside again - I use an app called LazyFit (prob others available). It’s cheesy but I’ve lost over a stone steadily in about 13 weeks so it’s doing something! The exercises are designed for the older person or people with injuries or disabilities. Just a thought!

Calorie deficit will be helpful. You don’t just have to exercise to lose weight as it’s mostly down to what you are eating.

Aww one day at a time. Is there any walking routes or local groups you could do rather than a local park? What about an exercise bike where you sit down (no arm movement involved).
it’s a shame your GP wasn’t more empathetic. In some areas there are community groups that work with people of all ages and disabilities to get them back on track.

Your doctor told you to stop being hysterical?!? wtf!!

As my age has increased I’ve needed emergency surgeries and I’ve developed illnesses. The medication I take to treat my chronic conditions and a chronic illness itself has led to extreme weight gain.

The weight was put on so rapidly it physically hurt.

I take a medication that is known to cause weight gain. I can’t function without this medication and it was a last line drug that I can take. I also have a condition where a symptom of the condition is weight gain. Some of the weight is fluid retention. I can’t even recognise myself in the mirror. I’ve got medication to manage it and the medication is also known to cause weight gain. So I hold off on taking that medication until the condition is extremely bad.

So yeah, I know exactly what you’re going through. When I cried in my doctors surgery I was listened to. At one stage one of my GP’s organised for a pharmacist to come and sit in my appointment with me to give immediate advice about the medications I was on. That is a GP who cares.

In addition to having your health conditions you have a terrible GP.

You’re not being hysterical. Women are ignored by doctors. It’s even worse if you are a black woman. I’m not black but I know that black women have higher death rates - especially during pregnancy because they are ignored.

I’ve been very slim and now I’m very fat. My weight is not who I am - it’s due to my illness. I started taking weygovy & while I absolutely hated it I think I will go back on it.

Have you considered going on the weight loss injections? It may help your pain condition. In my country if you get diabetes ozempic is covered by the government.

Would weight-loss jabs be an option? My husbands got a new lease of life from them.

Living with chronic health conditions is miserable and I feel for you.

I love a beach walk but still do at least 3 x a week on a cross trainer in our garage. I tried a walking pad to use in front of the TV but nearly fell off a couple of times as no handles. I sold it easily on Facebook so look out for something inexpensive and ask the seller to demonstrate!

I catch up with trashy programmes on my iPad and keep the garage door open for light and fresh air. An open window would be fine.

There are lots of inspiring instagram accounts where posters share their weight loss journeys and tips for healthy eating plus there are supportive threads here on Mumsnet.

Meant kindly, weight loss is not always the answer but it just might help.

I was recently under NHS physio and referred to a pilates class and found that really helpful under the physios eye to make sure I was doing the moves properly. It was only 4 weeks but I couldn't believe how much I improved at that time. My sciatica is caused by instability in my core so building on core strength is really helpful. I wouldn't do a normal pilates class with your ongoing chronic pain but physio led one would be helpful. They tailor the moves around your ability.

Our local authority leisure centre has an assisted gym (not sure what the correct name is) it has power assisted machines and can be used by people with limited mobility and exercises are tailored to the individual. GP’s can give free membership or it is not that expensive if you need to pay. May be worth looking if there is something similar in your area

How are you doing @Grimandbearit?
I've also been in this situation needing private treatment because nhs won't pay for it (physio and counselling). I thought I couldn't afford it and suffered worse for it for about 5 years! Then I prioritised it, got into debt to pay for it, but the improvement it's made to my daily life I can't put a price on. I now see it similarly as I do when I get an unexpected car bill or something - the credit card comes out and I pay it off over the year. It's not "sensible" financially, but it was a way for me to regain part of my life I thought I'd lost forever. If the situation is making you feel this bad, please view the treatment you need as an essential cost 🙏