Feel so much guilt about wrap around

[Violettt2]

DD goes to breakfast and after school clubs. She has been increasingly moaning about this.

Is it normal to feel a lot of guilt about her having to attend these? I never used to as a kid and to be honest would have hated it too, being on top of the school day.

I am starting to wonder whether I’m wrong to have put working full time above being there for DD after school as one of my parents always was for me. I’m feeling like life’s too short to prioritise a company who would happily drop and forget about me if the need arose.

I’m not sure what I’m looking to get out of this, maybe to feel I’m not the only one in this position.

What a load of judgemental tosh. My friends and I all work in two parent working families to varying degrees. All this judgemental hand wringing that goes on on MN doesn’t happen in our real lives.

Both parents give and take, both parents cover as best as they can. DH ran his business for years from home to be around as much as possible and we used child minders, au pairs and wrap around to support DH and me working as necessary. I’m off every holiday with my children. We spend tonnes of times with our children. Every one I know does similar and makes it work whatever way they organise it.

My children are adult, late to early teens now. They have loving, supportive parents who have set pretty decent examples for them about mixing being an involved parent with working FT.

The have seen business start ups, they have worked as teens with their father and learned valuable skills that for the eldest directly got them a paid internships during uni and also gave tonnes of experience for the uni course they settled on. We have been involved in their social activities as leaders and coaches ensuring that they and their teammates/hobby mates have been able to do their hobbies. We have coached football, athletics, brownie leader, scout leaders for years and years all because our kids were involved and to play an active role in their lives.

They have had comfort in their lives with money and all will have all college expenses paid for them to enable them to start their future without having to be deeply in debt because we have the money to do so. So no I don’t just think there is one way of being an involved parent. There are many ways.

Both parents aren't expected to make changes when children arrive, women are. Men are not called poor parents for working full time and financially providing for their children but women are.

It isn't a competition. Some people just clearly have different opinions as to what makes a poor parent.

I will never accept that showing my daughters that you can still have a successful career and also be a good mother makes me a poor parent.

I will never accept that showing my son that men are capable of having a career and also equally taking part in childcare, cooking, cleaning etc because if I was a SAHM, I'd obviously be home and have more time to do it makes me a poor parent.

I feel like setting them a good example is one of the reasons why I'm a good parent.

It's a difficult one OP, please ignore the posters trying to make you feel guilt or imply you're not a good parent.

I can understand it is long days for your child and many children don't like it. Is there anyway you and your husband can sit down and work out if there's any leeway or flexibility to reduce wraparound care. It shouldn't all fall to you. FWIW, my mum went back full time when I was around 10 and I went to a childminder before and after school. However my childminder was the mum of my best friend so really it wasn't a hardship on my part but a childminder could be a consideration? My mum is a great, loving and involved mum and I couldn't have asked for a better mum and I'm immensely proud of everything she achieved work wise. We certainly never suffered for it.

Noone here can tell you the right answer.

What are the things that are important to you? In 10 years what do you want to be able to say you did/have done?

What would need to change in order for you to feel happy with full time work/wraparound?

Most people are making a trade-off with current /future earnings. Do you know how the numbers would need to stack up if you reduced your hours?

I don't think this thread is really focussing on the OP at all but has become some kind of ideological battle ground. Some kids really don't like wrap around - mine didn't. He had to go to after school some days but we dropped breakfast club by working around each other (we were both lucky to have some flexibility but there were many to and fros arranging attendance at various meetings/events around each other). I worked part time and don't regret it for a minute - it isn't the right decision for everyone but it sounds like it could be for you. You are not being unreasonable to consider the well being of everyone in your family and balancing it out. Your OP reads like you feel you 'should' work full time rather than have or want to. I would explore some flexibility with both your employers - I know lots of people who still work full time but have some kind of compressed/adjusted hours and even 2 pick ups a week would make a big difference to your dd if she doesn't enjoy the after school care. Or if you are able to drop a few hours a week while keeping the equivalent role then maybe that will work for you and allow more of a balance.

It’s too subjective to answer. Mine were social introverts with lots of friends but hated the odd time they went to after school club. They just wanted to come home. Friends kids adored it. But if you have to work you have to work! I was able to be around and so glad I did now they both gone!

Kids don’t care about money they want you. Asking them what they would prefer and them not giving you an answer speaks volumes. They don’t want to make you feel guilty but you know where they would rather be. I’ve worked in after school clubs they are boring as fuck the staff don’t want to be there either and they will resent the child who is always last to be picked up.

Same, I send DD twice a week though I don't need to. She's high energy and happy to play with her friends and have snacks there. I use the time to go the gym

That's not true of all wrap around care. The one at DS's school is highly sought after by the kids. There are kids in there completely by choice as their parents don't need to use it but they enjoy the activities and spending time with other children.

As a parent you sometime need to make decisions that work for the whole family and you need to think long term. You do what works best for your family.

DS1 moans if we pick him up early and asks for 10 more minutes play.....so this isn't the case for all afterschool clubs or children!
The one he attends is very good and he has lots of choice in activities from crafting to playing outside.

We are a two parent working family, and I am the main earner. We use wraparound several times a week. I've got a degree of flexibility and DH and I shuffle where possible so it means only using breakfast club twice per week and after school club twice per week, and one evening they go to grandparents. 2 evenings a week they come straight home as I work an earlier day and can do pick up.

I'm sure some kids don't like it .... mine love it (genuinely - they're not lying to try and please me!)! Loads of their friends go, and its been great for their confidence when younger as older kids also attend and it means they now have friends throughout the school, rather than select friends in their own year group. I have zero guilt.

I would look at flexible hours before I consider reducing hours OP. Reducing hours over several years does hit the pension really hard (particularly when you consider that money would have compounded over the years and grown). Also, if they don't like wraparound club then look at what after school sport clubs school offers - ours does one a night and sometimes my kids have joined a sport for a few terms and gone there instead.

Quality of the childcare is indeed important. options vary by location, situation and budget. Eg after school nannies can be hard to find unless you are super high earners and can afford nanny/housekeeper, au pair needs a spare room.

I note you say increasingly. I have seen that trend in mine too. I think as the term progresses, children do get more tired and they are ready for the Christmas break so it is probably dragging more now than usual.

You absolutely aren't the only person in your position. However as you say, if you don't need to work full time and have chosen to prioritise the company/work out of a sense of that's what's done, then I think there is merit in reconsidering and maybe reducing to part time so that you can maintain your independence and a career that you can put more focus into once the children are older, but also give your DD more time and attention than she is currently getting.

So, a person might not work and be there for your dc before school, but they might complain about having to get up and go to school. Do you feel guilty? No. You explain and support. This is how life is.

Also some wrap around care can offer benefits. My dgc met and made friends with people from other classes and other years. That really helped them in the transition to Secondary.

Kids aren’t kids forever, they soon grow up! If you don’t have to work full time for financial reasons then don’t 🤷‍♀️

There’s a balance to home and work life.

Yeah but if you’ve got no work life then there’s no balance is there?

I was a SAHM for almost a decade and very much enjoyed it but there came a point when I needed something outside of the home for me. We don’t need the money. DD was 2 when I went back to work, she’s still in nursery now which I don’t feel bad about as she does so many cool thing. I do feel bad that she’ll have to do grim after school club when she goes to school next year though. That’s life and a good balance for her too!

Sorry, I think you've misunderstood me. Of course my children give me purpose - and I have a balance between work and childcare as I said, I have reduced my hours. Of course I am reliant on an employer for a wage. How else would I earn money? What I was saying is I don't want to be dependent on my husband for money i.e. be a SAHM and not have my own money to access. Obviously we are a team at the moment but I'm always mindful of women getting shafted in the case of separation because they then don't have their own earnings.
I'm honestly not sure what point you're trying to make. If either or both parents want to work then someone, whether that is one parent or using childcare, needs to look after the children / do the pickups.
I said working is a smart option because I have purpose other than my children. At some point they will be adults and won't depend on me... Work keeps me sane, gives me financial independence, gives me a pension, sets a good example etc etc etc. and I enjoy my work. I can do both - just won't excel at both.

Just to add, my kids often moan about going to wrap around, but most weeks they are upset when I come to pick them up because they don't want to leave! They have made friends and they love the activities there. They enjoy it and get a lot out of it.