Feel so much guilt about wrap around

[Violettt2]

DD goes to breakfast and after school clubs. She has been increasingly moaning about this.

Is it normal to feel a lot of guilt about her having to attend these? I never used to as a kid and to be honest would have hated it too, being on top of the school day.

I am starting to wonder whether I’m wrong to have put working full time above being there for DD after school as one of my parents always was for me. I’m feeling like life’s too short to prioritise a company who would happily drop and forget about me if the need arose.

I’m not sure what I’m looking to get out of this, maybe to feel I’m not the only one in this position.

That’s nasty and spiteful and I’m calling it as such.

We do similar and it's great, for everyone. If you can afford to do it, and feel that your child and family as a while would benefit, why would you not?

Surely no one wishes they had worked more over spending with their children?

We seem to have stumbled upon some cult sermon here.

OP what is your work? Any chance you and your OH can do flexible working requests?

We use wrap around in the afternoons 3 days a week, other 2 days we take it in turn to do collection with starting early so finish early. But both DH and I employers are very flexible (we can start work at 10 if we want as long as hours are done!)

Other options would be part time but you can do 9-3 day 5 times a week if wanting to avoid it completely and your work isn't too much of a commute or your hybrid based.

"Depending on a partner for money is nothing like depending on an employer for money"

It is. There are often two men in a woman's life; her husband and her boss. Who is she loyal to the most? Her boss, because that's where her bread is buttered. Her husband is just 'the other one' who she happens to sleep in the same bed with. Or they're both passing ships in the night, especially if they each work shifts and unsociable hours. And it's not 'partner', it's 'husband'. A partner suggests you can walk away from them and the children at any time.

I don't want to live in a society that makes women believe their purpose comes from helping her boss retire sooner. I acknowledge and accept that I do through gritted teeth.

I believe that sometimes, and I may have to check this unbelievable fact, a boss is a woman.

Surely no one wishes they had worked more over spending with their children

I don’t think it’s as cut and dried as this at all. And I am someone who only works two days a week and while I plan to increase it when the children are both at school (currently have a reception age child and a two year old) I will still do three days spread over four so I can pick them up and drop them off.

But studies unanimously show that what is damaging for a child is poverty. It’s the cause of every ill in society: poor physical and mental health; addiction, domestic abuse, crime, poor educational outcomes.

Obviously, that won’t apply to everyone living in poverty and you can experience those things without living in poverty, but there is a link and it’s more than a tenuous one.

When someone posts on here about struggling with a baby or toddler and is isolated, lonely, overwhelmed and low, work is always pushed - it’s rarely encouraged for them to spend more time with the baby. But then threads like this come up, comments of the sort above happen.

I don’t always like spending time with my children. I love them dearly; I am proud of them and I dedicate time and energy to their development, but it can be a slog and I frequently want time for things for me as well. I love them more than my books, my interests, my friends, my box sets (!) my quiet time and my career. But - I loved these other things too and to miss them and to want to connect with them sometimes instead of spending time with my children is not wrong.

Sometimes they can be, yes. The corporate world is increasingly female-led these days.

I don’t know which way the voting works so haven’t voted, but if your and your dp are able to adjust your hours at work to minimise the need for wrap around care, I would definitely be doing that.

The old adage is true - they grow up very quickly and before you know it wrap around care is no longer needed.

Someone's been watching too much (girlboss) Erika Kirk!

Ah yes, the eternal struggle: husband vs. boss, as if women are mystical cargo ships carrying loyalty to whichever man flashes a paycheck. Bold theory.

Depending on an employer for money is not the same as depending on a spouse unless you think marriage vows include quarterly performance reviews and the risk of being ‘let go’ during restructuring.

Also, calling a husband a ‘provider’ while calling women ‘partners’ you can walk away from is an interesting way of saying, ‘I haven’t fully thought this through but I’m committed to the bit.’

If your fear is that women find purpose in work, I have bad news: many people do. The goal isn’t to help the boss retire early
– it’s to have autonomy, options, and, wild concept, an adult identity.

I will continue to say ‘partner’ wherever I please, and won’t have my language dictated by someone as archaic and offensive as you.

But sure, tell me more about how society is collapsing because women get paychecks and not just permission slips.

Having a boss means I can retire sooner. And by boss is a woman, FYI - who, shock, horror has two children too.

Is it possible for you / partner to both reduce your work to make it more equitable ? As more marriages than ever end in divorce , a woman is significantly impacting her ability to leave an unhappy relationship if she has reduced her earning potential , and we see on these boards countless instances where women are unable to buy / obtain a mortgage on a low salary due to prioritising the children in the early years whilst the man with the 'big salary' gets to keep the family house ... and suddenly wants 50/50 on childcare to wriggle out of paying and maintenance

Mine weren't mad keen on wraparound, but they did like the lifestyle it afforded them.
I did feel guilty when I'd spend more time with other people's kids than my own though; feels a bit like they had to share me with hundreds of other kids (and occasionally mad bosses and mad government ministers).
However, it meant that they loved starting high school, as they got to go home 'early' and chill.

It really child dependent and how luch they like wraparound. Mine used to go 3 days a week and were fine with that. Never moaned, always enjoyed afterschool care.

Everyone's circumstances and choices are different. For me and several of my friends, wrap around care whether school clubs or childminder was necessary, no other choice.
For those who are able to drop off or collect, great.

She has two kids, oh goody. I'm 26 weeks along with my first and I'm terrified I'm going to lose him. I've had several losses, hence I'm so scared. It was clearly so easy for her and meant to be, wasn't it? She's clearly so much better than I can ever be.

I've been disagreed with, but entirely reasonable throughout. The problem now is that I'm quickly getting worn down, especially calling me archaic and offensive just for having opinions you don't like.

I like having this discourse with people, but I've totally lost patience with you.

Have a nice evening.

You’ve called women ‘stupid’ when they work to pay for childcare.

You’ve belittled women’s careers as less than men’s careers, by denoting men as ‘providers’.

You’ve implied that motherhood is pointless to women who choose to work alongside.

You’ve attempted to pigeonhole women into a role defined by their biology.

So yes, your views are archaic and insulting.

Your pregnancy losses are completely irrelevant to your sweeping judgement of women ‘serving’ their ‘male bosses’ as opposed to their husbands. Nor is it in anyway related to my female boss working alongside rearing two children.

I couldn't do this and went job share with school hours. It's hard financially but we cut our cloth. Children are the number one priority.

Dd does one day a week. We did a brief stint of her doing 4 days and I do think it’s too much. If you can possibly avoid it I would.

This might shock you so you may need to sit down.

Some women earn more than their husbands and LOVE to financially provide for their family.

Mine does 3 days ASC and she does complain sometimes, I think mostly because she sees others being collected by parents/grandparents at 3pm. I do feel really guilty about this and sad when she complains. But I also rationalise that its best for the whole family that I'm working - I enjoy the change of scene and I like having my own money to spend.

I would say that it is worse in winter when they walk to ASC and are just stuck inside. In summer it is brilliant, they play outside and she doesn't want to leave!

If you can, explore options to reduce your hours - so perhaps you can have the best of both worlds.

What are you on about? I definitely haven't said marriage vows to my boss (who's female btw!)
I'm loyal to my husband and I work hard. Definitely for my own early retirement btw nothing to do with my boss!

Shock horror I also out earn my husband by double. It doesn't matter as we work as a unit.
We both work as a team though with our children, both are jointly responsible for them (including pick ups) we are both responsible for doing chores and taking days if the children are sick.

Your view is archaic, its absolutely OK to be a SAHP if finances allow and its a joint decision. It is not OK to spout some Andrew Tait crap!

What a load of absolute nonsense 🙄

My DC was in wraparound care from 4 - single parent teacher - and enjoyed it.

Do you think? I tend to think that children get one childhood and they will remember being left somewhere after school every day that they didn't like Vs potentially getting help with theoretical future children.

OP if you don't have to work full time, I'd absolutely change your hours. I went freelance after having kids and I haven't ever regretted it, but I realise I'm in a privileged position. The only thing I've ever regretted is putting my kids in nursery when they were babies so I could go to my full time job, which I ended up losing anyway. They were sad, I felt guilty, my job didn't care. That I regret hugely.