To not take my 3 and 5 year olds to restaurants

[Meerkat6373]

We haven’t taken our 3 and 5 year old boys to a restaurant in months because it was a disaster last time. Constant messing around at the table, trying to get down, knocking stuff over by accident. Fair enough we tried to do it without tablets and took loads of books, stickers etc for the table but they just wouldn’t listen to a word we said. If we’d taken tablets maybe they’d have sat good as gold but I’m trying not to go down that route. Not for any judgey reasons but I’m concerned screen time actually makes their behaviour worse.
We took them to a pub yesterday and nothing has changed. I was actually mortified by how out of control they were, despite us trying a million strategies to get them to behave well. We’ve tried reward charts, sanctions, modelling behaviour, praise. Nothing works!

I can’t find the posts where people have mentioned this but I do eat with the kids most nights but my husband can’t he doesn’t get home until about 6

I don’t think you can learn at home unless make a habit of having them sit for 20 minutes before actually giving them any food, then serving them 3 courses with waiting in between and then expecting them to stay 10 more minutes after they’ve finished eating. Everyone sitting down to have cereal together in the mornings is a lovely start to the day but in no way comparable to a restaurant experience and all the waiting that’s required.

You just have to go to restaurants and train them. Have them tear around the playground first and then take them somewhere child friendly with quick service like pizza express or similar. When they can manage that try somewhere more adventurous. Or yes can always wait until they’re older but that wouldn’t be acceptable to me- we want to be able to eat at nice places as a family so it’s a priority for us to make sure that can happen!

YANBU - I have a 7yo and a 4yo and we really limit the amount of times we take them to a restaurant with us because it's stressful and fun for no one! I've taken books, stickers, colouring, toys, etc out with us and it only works as a distraction for so long before they want to check out the toilet or leave or - gosh forbid - the restaurant has one of the tat machines where you can get a toy in a ball.

I either go out to meet friends in restaurants without the kids or we pack a picnic and go to places that have a cafe, but it's not the main reason we're visiting, e.g. a National Trust property. The kids have much more patience for a picnic and I don't get stressed by them potentially misbehaving at the table. There will be plenty of time for restaurants when they're older and have more patience for it.

I was going to give some advice on what we do to make it work but just seen this update. This is your real issue. Especially at 5, that's not ok. You need to tackle behaviour and discipline before anything else.

My daughter is a pretty calm by comparison nearly 7 year old who loves drawing and sitting down type activities and even she can only do 30 mins in a restaurant/pub max without getting bored and asking to leave. (We don't do iPad babysitter either). I honestly think most people didn't take kids to restaurants until this current era (at least in UK) and why bother?!

They’re extremely boisterous and don’t really listen to a word we say in any scenario!

This is very dangerous and needs to be nipped in the bud quickly.

Have you tried discipline, rewards and complete consistency?

The restaurant really isn't the main problem here.

YANBU and you should only take them when they can behave. I stopped taking DD out when she was around 7 as she kept knocking things off tables and grabbing for everything. I didn't take her again until she could sit and behave herself. I later found out that she has various SEN.

I did use a tablet as she got older, however if we went out for a family evening meal, she would sit and colour in until the main course arrived, and then once we had dessert and all the adults were talking, she was allowed to go on her tablet WITH EARPHONES(!) until we left.

Eating at the table at home is very good advice, if you don't already. If everyone is sat around together, talking, with no gadgets, it is great family time and a great time to model good behaviour, sitting still, using a knife and fork, not leaving until everyone has finished etc.

DD is 17 now and we never eat at the table, we have lap trays, but when she was little we always ate at the table.

What is the objection to kids having screens for half an hour or so at the table? I am sure that other diners would thank you. Just make that their screen time of the day. That way mum and dad get a break and a meal out. I don't see how that differs to taking along colouring stuff or a sticker book to keep them amused.

This

the Amount of times I see adults sat across from the table at restaurants and cafes glued to their phones!£

They’re extremely boisterous and don’t really listen to a word we say in any scenario!

what a cop out

Quite!

I think you have to get their manners pretty good at home first - no leaving the table, no messing about etc.
My sons were always really good in restaurants because they both loved eating.

My daughter used to be awful in restaurants. Then I started taking her to a cafe after playgroup once a week. Started off a quick 20 minute trip and it gradually got longer. She’s a lot better in restaurants now. The cafe was easier as not dealing with a full meal just a bit of cake or a cookie and milk, and could just go whenever she started acting up, so I felt a lot less stress in this situation, which made it surprisingly nice after several bad experiences in restaurants. Overall she’s pretty good now going out for meals in restaurants.

Mine are 4 and 8 - and it is so much easier than even a year ago. Some of it comes with age - at 4, my youngest is much happier to sit and do stickers or colour. We have some fun games (5 up and OK play are 2 great ones) that engage the whole family and take up no space.

But even then, once we get to pudding, theve done 100 trips to the loo and I'm done with the event!!!!

I do try my hardest to avoid screens - simply because this is time for us to be social as a family. Not to sit and ignore each other. I'm happy for them to flake out in front of the TV after, but for the hour we are out, I expect them to engage with me!

Keep going - little and often. Don't set huge expectations. Take some little toys or games and remember, it will improve!

Also, mine are so much more wound up by each other!! If you want an easy life, take one out :-)

DS - only took him out occasionally as he wouldn't sit still. He would always get up and wander about. He wouldn't disturb people but would just walk about looking at what was going on. If we tried to get him to sit down he would start shouting for help 😳 screens or toys would never work. He has since been dx with ADHD. At 15 he sits fine now so I'd say they do learn at some point, even if you don't 'train' them as such.

DD - sat beautifully, we had strangers commenting on how well behaved she was. Made us feel bad for DS as nobody had any anything positive to say about him in that regard!

Train them.
A quick drink in park cafe.
Build up

When my DDs behave badly in restaurants we've avoided them for a bit then gone back after a break (and they've grown up a bit). You could also try taking them with one parent individually as a quality time treat.

Try taking them to small local cafes, or eating in somewhere like KFC. Both parents go, and both work on checking their behaviour. Once they can behave there, you can try a proper restaurant. Do you eat at the table at home, or do they just wander and graze? Starting by setting a standard of expected behaviour at home seems to make sense.

My eldest children are 50 and 48, and I have been taking them to restaurants since they were toddlers. They always behaved well.

For those posters who are saying to train the kids to behave in restaurants by starting small and low-pressure etc., I'd be interested to know how long this has taken if you've done it, i.e. how old the kids were when you started being able to reliably take them to 'nicer' places? I sort of do believe it works, and especially if you need to be able to take your kids to restaurants...but I also suspect that (a) you'd need to be doing it very frequently for small children to improve, and (b) a lot of the skills involved are transferable ones that kids eventually learn in other ways anyway or grow into, e.g. sitting patiently for longer periods, being considerate to other people, talking quietly etc.

I am from an older generation: We made conversation at meals fun, table manners were enforced firmly at all times. We didn't have problems eating out. GSs were a nightmare, fighting under tables, winding each other up, shouting etc. We didn't take them again until they were older. In the EU the children sit, laugh and talk nicely with the adults, no running around or misbehaving.

YANBU at all. And very considerate.

DD was fine to take out from very young, but DS was a nightmare. He was very fussy with food so unless we couldn’t help it (holiday or day trip) we didn’t go for ‘pleasure’.

There wasn’t the screen option then, it was pre-smartphones so we took stickers, comics, colouring books and sometimes the restaurant had children’s packs (like pizza express) which worked ok. It was never a relaxing time though. On holiday was easier as usually more set up at a resort so they had space to run about w other children.

I would knock the meal out option in the head and eat before you go out. Eating out is so pricey now and often you can make better at home.

I think you’re probably right. I’d consider mine restaurant trained but honestly a week without eating out once would be a very rare occurrence for us. Busy week in the run up to Christmas and have family visiting but this week mine will do- pizza express early supper, an afternoon tea, a swanky dinner and a Sunday lunch. So they know what to expect, even the 4YO. When they were younger we did a lot of pizzerias and brunch because that’s always quick then started getting more ambitious in the last year. And whilst I think training is necessary if you want to eat out somewhere nice with a 4YO you’re totally right that older kids/teens will naturally develop conversation skills and the ability to sit and wait.

Our dc are grown up now but were always pretty good in restaurants. We always made sure they were family friendly and fairly noisy places and we would make sure they had something to eat very quickly even if it was just bread. We always ate at the table at home as a family at about 6.30 even when they were tiny so I guess that helped. Having said that tablets at the table seems like a practical way to keep them happy quiet.