To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

Uninvite them

Same reply as the thread where the guests were complaining about the OP's dog:
Tell them to fuck off.

They're uninvited.

See all is a good thing to click on

I posted the other day about a difficult sister. It is really sad, but it is not your job to be the one who puts up and shuts up while other people say and do whatever they want. Keep the door open if you want, or dont. But from what you say, you will all be better off - perhaps your other siblings will start coming around more.

There will always people who dont understand (or dont want to understand) this and its miserable. But you and your lovely family deserve better.

There's an element of class conflict running through your posts.
I'm assuming your mother is working-class from her attitude to veganism as this is generally seen as a middle-class fad by working-class people, particularly the older generation. It sounds like you and your older siblings have moved up the social ladder and your mother may feel you are now looking down on her - hence the chip. Did she have a hard life raising you - you don't mention your father.

And your point is ?

For the OP to reflect on her own behaviour too.
Looking down on her mother or acting superior around her could be contributing to her chippy and rude behaviour.

Also, she's only got one mother and who knows how long she will be around especially if she has a drinking problem.
Anyone I've ever met with a drinking problem usually has a pretty tough backstory. It's a lot easier to be pleasant when you are financially secure.

@WantToHibernate I think your mum has found your thread!!!

Also, she's only got one mother
oh here we go…

If they are still coming only cook a vegan roast. If they don’t like it they can go home.

i am vegetarian we don’t cook meat in our house for others, our home our rules.

Oh for goodness sake! The mother is obviously toxic. So was mine but she was upper class. I am bloody glad I only had one mother!

I dont know own if you are still reading, but just wanted to say well done OP.
Clearly this is the right thing for you, and im sure will be very much appreciated by your daughter. Even though she said she wasn't bothered, I suspect this will mean alot to her that you have her back and out her first.
Have a brilliant and hopefully drama free Christmas.
We have a mixed meat and veggie/vegan Xmas here too, and its just not a bother.

I dont know own if you are still reading, but just wanted to say well done OP.
Clearly this is the right thing for you, and im sure will be very much appreciated by your daughter. Even though she said she wasn't bothered, I suspect this will mean alot to her that you have her back and put her first.
Have a brilliant and hopefully drama free Christmas.
We have a mixed meat and veggie/vegan Xmas here too, and its just not a bother

Have you even read all of the OP's posts? Or are you a toxic parent as well?

I've read her posts and shared my opinion based on them.
Maybe her mother is toxic or maybe there's more to it - that's all I'm saying.
No need to be so aggressive or accuse me of being a toxic parent for sharing a different perspective.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who was from a lower working-class background and who had a much harder life than I did so I made allowances for that reality.

Stop making shit up. Really.

"Assuming", "sounds like", "may feel". Read what the OP says happens.

Good evening. Just to make it crystal clear your behaviour this evening towards both myself and Anna tonight was unacceptable. When you come to someone’s house you have to be socially aware and polite - you were neither. You do not respect other people and their views and you are not tolerate. You make animal noises and are argumentative over someone’s food choices and ‘question’ them aggressively and are rude to them in their own home. You are therefore not invited again, this means you can do Christmas elsewhere. I hope you can reflect on what you have done, apologise genuinely and change your behaviour going forwards otherwise I’m afraid I will have to cease contact due to your lack of respect and you will no longer be welcome in our house / or socially. Thanks Mary

Just a comment on being there for your brother when he emerges from your mother's influence - having had a similar experience that eventually led to us reconnecting when they got old enough (mid 20s) I would strongly suggest NOT making it "us or mum" and just keeping the door open lightly. De-escalate conflict and repeatedly keep the door open for pleasant interactions/don't make it about you being right about your mother and them being wrong - in our case it took 10 years but worked out.

OP has already responded to her brother and mother.

YANBU! Even apart from their dreadful behaviour to your daughter, you do NOT accept someone's invitation and then demand nor to be seated near some of the hosts.

I know they are close relatives, but there are limits to what you should be expected to tolerate.

I did actually, there are several comments about her mother thinking her daughter and her in-laws are "snobby", including a reference to her electric gates, plus not encouraging her children to go to uni which is quite common in lower working-class areas where it can be viewed as selling out. Plus veganism is a very middle-class fad as any working-class person will tell you. Hence my comments.

How’s that chip on your shoulder?

Did you miss the OP saying her mother makes animal noises at her. How in anyway is that acceptable? Also, veganism is not a fad.

If I'd decided they weren't worth entertaining, they certainly wouldn't be getting a gift!

Agree. I sense from OPs posts that there is a bit of a snobby element going on. Maybe parents are re-acting to being talked down to themselves. I only know a few vegans, but they can be quite preachy and condescending to ‘meat eaters’. I guess we only know half the story here.