Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad about not being involved in daughter’s wedding.

57 replies

Whoopdedoop · 07/12/2025 22:22

DD (31) has been engaged for a while and is now planning the wedding. We don’t live close, and I just feel sad that I’m not involved in anyway. She’s not asked my opinion, or shared ideas with me. Her MIL is more involved because she is highly strung and involves herself in everything, whereas as I am more laid back and do whatever I can to make DD life easier, and fit in with whatever she wants. I now think this may have been a mistake because if I was more insistent, I’d be considered.

I know it’s her day, I’d just like to be a little more involved. We gave money when they got engaged but they used that for a house, now they are getting married using inheritance from her partner’s family.

Just posting because I feel sad really ☹️

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 07/12/2025 22:24

Have you asked to be involved? Suggested any outings to look at stuff etc?

Birdh0use · 07/12/2025 22:25

Maybe she thinks you are not interested?

TinselTitts · 07/12/2025 22:27

You should probably ask her.

Does she sense you dislike her future MIL though?

That could be a possible reason if she'd rather keep you both apart.

RowOfRunners · 07/12/2025 22:30

If you’re a bit restrained she might think you’re not interested. Talk to her.

curious79 · 07/12/2025 22:30

Maybe she’s glad you’re happy to be chilled if she’s having to navigate her MiL?
Offer your help or even better suggest some really nice things for just you and she to do eg take her out to buy her wedding shoes (as a contribution, go for a spa day so she can chill out / destress

Rachie1973 · 07/12/2025 22:31

Why don’t you give her a call and ask her about her plans so far? She might open up and enjoy the chat!

Namechangedforspooky · 07/12/2025 22:32

She might be grateful that you’re giving her space to plan if her MIL is a bit overbearing.
I think I would talk to her and see if you can help if you’d like to

Coffeeishot · 07/12/2025 22:33

Birdh0use · 07/12/2025 22:25

Maybe she thinks you are not interested?

This, I think you should ask her or he excited for her ask her plans etc etc,

Milkwort · 07/12/2025 22:34

Are you really suggesting that you wish you’d made yourself more of a pain in the ass so that your daughter would be badgered into involving you more in her wedding plans, because the only reason she’s involving her MIL is that she’s ’highly strung’ and insistent?

SunMoonandChocolate · 07/12/2025 22:34

Speak up OP, tell your DD that you would love to be involved in some way, and if she would like your help to please just tell you what she would like you to do.

Have you suggested going wedding dress shopping together? That's something that lots of Mums and daughters enjoy doing together, and even if you live some distance away, you could make a special trip for something like that I'm sure.

Ddakji · 07/12/2025 22:36

That’s a shame. Can you ask her?

The main thing is that she’s getting married to a decent man (I hope!). But of course all mums secretly dream of their DD’s wedding, whether they admit it or not, so I hope you can find some way to be more involved. Maybe take her out for a meal or weekend just the two of you?

DaisyChain505 · 07/12/2025 22:38

It works two ways. Do you ever ask her how plans are going, express that you’d love to help with XYZ or join for certain things?

If you never show any interest she could possibly think you just aren’t fussed.

Coffeeishot · 07/12/2025 22:48

I have has 1 Dd married and another in the planning stages. I think you have to show some interest in them , her poor future Mil does she know you think she's "highly strung"

Original poster
Whoopdedoop · 07/12/2025 22:48

I have shown interest and asked questions, but she just says it’s making her panic because she’s already dealing with MIL’s flappiness.

Her partner is wonderful, I couldn’t fault him, so his DM has done a great job with him; she has no DDs of her own so she throws everything into her relationship with mine. I don’t want to pile on the stress for my DD hence my taking a step back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoopdedoop · 07/12/2025 22:52

Coffeeishot · 07/12/2025 22:48

I have has 1 Dd married and another in the planning stages. I think you have to show some interest in them , her poor future Mil does she know you think she's "highly strung"

It’s well known that she is like that, it may not be the correct term but she’s always on edge and thinking about 100 steps ahead. Her family tease her over it. I know her slightly and I like her, we get on and DD has no concerns there, I just think we are very different and as she is more needy, she gets her way pretty often.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 07/12/2025 22:53

Whoopdedoop · 07/12/2025 22:48

I have shown interest and asked questions, but she just says it’s making her panic because she’s already dealing with MIL’s flappiness.

Her partner is wonderful, I couldn’t fault him, so his DM has done a great job with him; she has no DDs of her own so she throws everything into her relationship with mine. I don’t want to pile on the stress for my DD hence my taking a step back.

So I would definitely offer to take her out for dinner or ask her over for a short visit to allow her a break from it all.

You’re her mum. Not Mil, you. And no one can take that away from you.

Bubblecakes · 07/12/2025 23:02

Ddakji · 07/12/2025 22:53

So I would definitely offer to take her out for dinner or ask her over for a short visit to allow her a break from it all.

You’re her mum. Not Mil, you. And no one can take that away from you.

Show quote history

This is a good idea, maybe lunch. Say that you'd like to be more involved and that you'd like to take some of the pressure off of her by helping. Don't just leave it. You can be involved without the intensity of the mils way of doing things. Maybe you could help mediate a bit in a delicate way so that the mil isn't so intense and stressful for your dd?

TwinklyNight · 07/12/2025 23:09

Secretly do something special for her/them, like maybe make a photo album of her and her df as babies, children, teens etc. Leading up to their wedding day.
I'd build them a familytree going back just to grandparents if you don't have enough ancestor info and get it printed out and framed.
The brides mom is not supposed to throw a shower for her own daughter, but you could go ahead and just do it anyways. You could present the family photo book and tree to her then.

Theroadt · 07/12/2025 23:27

Apart from showing interest, support, love there is nothing else you can do. Please don’t spoil her wedding by being all upset - it’s not about you, it’s about the couple getting married. So many parents forget this.

TinselTitts · 07/12/2025 23:30

Whoopdedoop · 07/12/2025 22:52

It’s well known that she is like that, it may not be the correct term but she’s always on edge and thinking about 100 steps ahead. Her family tease her over it. I know her slightly and I like her, we get on and DD has no concerns there, I just think we are very different and as she is more needy, she gets her way pretty often.

Show quote history

If she's always thinking 100 steps ahead, she's probably great at planning.

If you want to be involved, speak to your DD.

SunMoonandChocolate · 07/12/2025 23:34

How about suggesting a spa day together before the wedding so that you can catch up on her plans and she can have a nice relaxing day with her Mum.

As I suggested above, lots of brides like to go wedding dress shopping with their Mum, have you actually asked her if she would like to do this? Depending on your finances, perhaps you could offer to buy her dress for her too.

2021x · 07/12/2025 23:41

Being sad about this is completely normal. Who knows what your DD is thinking about it.

It can be hard as a kid with a laid back parent to get them to show that they care, or maybe she is concerned that you won't do it in the same way.

Take her for a drink/coffee/cake etc and say "DD I would love to be more involved with the wedding plannng, is there anything I can help with", and then ask her if she has specific instructions.

HeyThereDelila · 08/12/2025 00:05

Ask if yoi can do a day out together dress shopping. Offer a spa day for the two of you to discuss the wedding, or ask if you can help make favours or pay for the cake or stuff invitations in to envelopes etc. Offer- don’t wait to be asked.

caringcarer · 08/12/2025 01:05

Ring up and offer her a spa day with lunch. Let her chill and tell you in her own time.

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/12/2025 01:43

I agree offer to take her out or something. And it would be entirely reasonable to say gently so I understand your mil is being very involved and it’s a bit stressful. From my perspective I think you’re saying the result of that is you cutting me out of the whole process, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair of you? I love you and am keen to be part of it and feel like I’m being punished for caring more than your mil about how you’re feeling about it. You don’t have to reply now but I’d really appreciate if you could think about this, as mil will be in your life for a long time and that shouldn’t mean I’ve lost my daughter.

Swipe left for the next trending thread