Sad about not being involved in daughter’s wedding.

[Whoopdedoop]

DD (31) has been engaged for a while and is now planning the wedding. We don’t live close, and I just feel sad that I’m not involved in anyway. She’s not asked my opinion, or shared ideas with me. Her MIL is more involved because she is highly strung and involves herself in everything, whereas as I am more laid back and do whatever I can to make DD life easier, and fit in with whatever she wants. I now think this may have been a mistake because if I was more insistent, I’d be considered.

I know it’s her day, I’d just like to be a little more involved. We gave money when they got engaged but they used that for a house, now they are getting married using inheritance from her partner’s family.

Just posting because I feel sad really ☹️

You’ve spent your life making your DD’s life easier and it sounds like she appreciates that. Whereas MiL’s high strung involvement is a burden for your DD and spoiling the run up to her wedding to some extent. Do you really want to be that to her as well?

There’s excitement in wedding planning, but it’s not really that significant in the scheme of things.

You currently seem to be thinking about what you might be able to extract from her if you emotionally blackmailed her (this is what her MiL is doing to her). But I suspect you don’t really want to be that sort of mum. Try not to focus on missing out on what is, really, just some party planning, and take a bit more pride in how well you treat your DD and how much you’ve done to make her life good.

Agree with PP that it’s worth asking her if she’d like you to go dress shopping with her or take her out some time for a meal or a spa day or something else she’d enjoy as a break from the stress and let her tell you about how much she loves her fiancé and how much she’s looking forward to the wedding. But don’t look to involvement as some sort of measure of her love for you. It’s not.

I think it’s a bit unfair to suggest she is only ‘throwing everything’ into her relationship with her future DIL because she has sons. It’s suggesting she’d be different if she had a daughter but that’s not necessarily the case. My mum has a lovely relationship with my SIL (brother’s wife) because they love and value each other. My existence has had no relevance to their relationship.

but I’d offer to go dress shopping and buy the dress for her. My mum bought my dress for me and it was a really special day. By the way my mum is very highly strung and a massive organiser- it was invaluable. Yes we roll our eyes and sometimes got frustrated but she did so much to help organise I’m forever grateful.

Is it possible your DD would prefer a bit more structure and chasing up from your end? Could being laid back be seen as uninterested?

when is the wedding?
what will you have to do?
show an interest and she can open up to you

By highly strung do you mean organised and proactive?
By laid back do you mean you are disorganised and not proactive?
How about you just say, look DD, I'm happy to help in any way you like, but also happy to take a back seat if you are on top of things? Decent mothers tend to offer.

That sounds manipulative and full on to me. It would risk pushing DD away further.

A warm and constructive offer to help with something specific for to do something together wojld be much better.

If they are using inheritance from partners side your daughter is probably feeling more pressure to include/pander to MIL.

When is the wedding? If you are close just catch up regularly, I’m sure you will be included more the closer the wedding is.

It’s a tricky one really.

My dd is planning a wedding too, and because my own dm was pushy to the extreme when I got married (to the point of insisting on certain things) I’m trying to take a step back with my dd whilst still remaining interested.

I don’t want her to be offended that I’m not taking enough interest but don’t want to be the pain in the arse that my dm was.

Ultimately it’s their wedding and it’s up to them to plan it. In your shoes I’d just tell her you’re there if she needs you rather than add stress to the situation.

Ask if she wants you to do anything. I remember being very happy to let mum organise the DJ as I’d had enough by then!

Tricky if living at a distance. Mine wasn’t involved in the arrangements due to being 5 hours away but promptly bloody upset me on arrival, trying to rearrange the seating plan etc. You can offer, but if your dd already has her mil involved and flapping, she might not need more people.

She might feel that when she shares her ideas she gets opinions and push back and disapproval. Ask me how I know. Every single thing we said we were met with negative comments from PIL from the cake choice, what do you mean you are not having a fruit cake? Dh doesn't eat fruit cake so he wouldn't want his wedding cake to be a bloody fruit cake. We had chocolate cake for one tier and vanilla for the smaller tier. The guest list, who we should invite,the colours we should use and of course you must have sugared almonds as favours, even though your son hates the smell of almonds. It was like they weren't taking anything of their son into consideration. It went on and on and on.

My Mum actually said if you want to elope I would completely understand. No, I want my parents at my wedding. Maybe she feels she can't tell you stuff. Reassure her she can talk to you.

It sounds as if, ideally, your daughter doesn't want other people involved in her wedding, and the MIL is only involved because it's easier than saying no to her. But she doesn't want or enjoy the MIL's involvement! It also sounds like the wedding will be more low-key than lavish, so there may not be much to plan in the first place.

Are there ways for you to support her without adding another voice to the wedding planning? Maybe instead of asking her what she wants (those questions are always stressful to hear - it makes her feel like a project manager) you could just offer to do one particular thing. PP have suggested taking her out to buy the dress but it could be as simple as taking her out for lunch and letting her talk as much or as little about the wedding as she wants.

@Whoopdedoop I’m sorry you’re feeling like this . As someone who has got married and had a baby in the last 5 years, if your daughter is anything like me she might be feeling v overwhelmed right now. Getting engaged is super exciting and then all of a sudden you have a million decisions to make and lots of external pressure / ideas / opinions from different people. As other PPs have said the inheritance money may make MIL feel more entitled to being involved in the planning and your DD feel less able to advocate for herself and do what she would want.

It sounds like she’s saying that it’s stressful and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I remember getting to the point where it felt all consuming and I just wanted to talk to people about anything BUT the wedding (also had this feeling when pregnant too).

I agree with others - meet up with her just the two of you, don’t make it all about the wedding but acknowledge it can be challenging and that you would love to help her or be involved in anyway that wouldn't add stress to the situation. maybe ask her what the most stressful thing has been and offer to help with that or take it off her plate. For me it was all the silly minutiae of details (chair covers / how to have napkin folded 🤣) but I appreciate some people love that bit, for her it might be the menu or something. If she doesn’t need any support or help just say when you catch up, I’m really excited for you and just want to hear about where you’re up to or what’s happening.

WhT stage are they at? The beginning is often a flurry of activity (booking vendors m etc) then there’s a lull again until a months / weeks before the big day where she might need you more emotionally / physically depending on what your relationship is like. She will appreciate you so much more for being a constant support rather than trying to outdo the MIL and add further stress to a stressful situation.

Next time you talk to her, let her know you’re here to listen. Cone of silence applies. Tell her you won’t give your opinion unless asked but you’re always on her side.

I absolutely agree with everybody saying ask to be involved. My mum did the same and it only came out years later when my own daughter was getting married and my mum commented how lucky I was to be so involved - she wanted to give me space/not be pushy and I was upset at how disinterested she seemed. Communication is key here and lack of is not the answer.

Same here....no involvement in my daughter's wedding a number of years ago. We bought her dress and that was the only involvement I had.

It’s the squeakiest wheel not neediness.

The OP seems very set on this explanation of why the MIL-to-be is involved and she isn’t. If it is in fact the case, and that the OP’s daughter isn’t saving face and is being perfectly sincere when she says she’s involved her ‘highly-strung’ MIL only because she doesn’t want to upset her, and she blocks enquiries from the OP because she’s already dealing with her MIL’s ‘flapping’ and doesn’t want to field any more, then I suppose the OP needs to decide what’s more important — being involved in wedding plans or prioritising her daughter’s peace of mind by not pushing for more consultation, even if she knows she’s only being more involved because she’s badgered her into it.

(Also, OP, we didn’t even invite my parents (not DH’s) to our wedding because I couldn’t face the endless flap, when we wanted something low-key with the minimum number of witnesses. At least you’re on the guest list!)

I think you are doing the right thing in being laid back, in the long run your relationship will be better.

I know my daughter likes being in charge of things herself and doesn’t want input when she has enough ideas of her own. Though she will often accept help in specific situations.

I think it’s natural to feel a little sad that you’re not involved as you’d like to be, and also to feel that her MIL’s ‘neediness’ is a little bit a part of the reason why.

I think the only thing you can do is to let your daughter know that you are available if she wants any help, or even to let vent at any time. Stay interested, and keep any hurt feelings to yourself.

Play the long game. There will come a time when she does want more help, perhaps in her home, garden, with children even. That will be your time to shine.

What are you hoping to help with op?

What is the current status on dress shopping?

My mum couldn’t be bothered to make the journey for my dress shopping, but i assume you’re not like that.

Other than that, i remember sending my mum photos of different (fake) bouquets i was considering and asking her opinion but i didn’t really need her help in planning tbh. The planning was down to me and my DH.

When I got married my mother asks me how thing were going, had I found a dress etc but never made any indication that she wanted anything to do with the leg work that goes into all the preperarion. I resented her a lot and it really showed me that we didn't have a very good relationship at all.

My MIL researched different dress shops, sales they were having and told me how she would love to come if I didn't mind. She gave advice on different wedding venues she had been to, sent me offers she had found, invited me to wedding shows etc.

I'm not saying you are absent like my mother was but there was such a big difference between asking me about it and really getting involved. Could this be the same for you?

This is a great idea & perhaps you could suggest being a bit of a buffer between mil & your DD to reduce the stress. Perhaps mil could liaise with you so DD is not constantly having to placate her. I hate to say it, but her neediness is not going to reduce any time soon.

This! definitely don't mope about feeling sad. Either let her know you'd like to be involved (and then accept her response) or get over it and be glad she can manage to do it herself.

Please don't lay this on her!

Call her, say let’s meet for lunch, I want to hear all about your plans.

You never know, she might be feeling sad that her mum isn’t interested.