Name changed as outing.
The context is that DH and I live in his hometown not far from his parents and not far from DBIL and his partner. We all get on and see each other about once a week. I am pregnant with our first child and due in the new year. We have a dog who is welcome to DPILs house but only in certain rooms (we understand and respect this). DBIL works abroad and is only home every other Christmas at best, his partner only has two days off over Xmas usually Christmas Day and either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. My family live quite a distance away and we spent last year with them.
This year with DBIL being home and having spent last year with my family and not wishing to travel due to being heavily pregnant we were always going to be having Xmas with DH family. We hadn’t firmed up plans until this week whilst waiting for DBIL to come home, DPIL tend to dance to his tune a bit I think because a) he was very sick as a child and b) because he has a tendency to strop if not getting his own way despite being a fully grown man (not my circus but included because it is relevant. We get on totally fine with DBIL).
Anyway the other night PIL were over and we spoke about Christmas. Both DMIL and DFIL said they assumed we would be at theirs for Christmas “because it is was DBIL would expect” and DMIL said she wanted to host. We offered to host at ours because a ) there’s more room b) When hosting DMIL spends the whole time in the kitchen other than eating the meal and refuses help and c) we could have longer together because the dog would be here and we wouldn’t be leaving dog to go to theirs (he’s fine being left but don’t want to leave him more than a few hours). DPIL refused and DMILs like of reasoning seemed to be that she “is on countdown” and she wants to “do it for as many years as possible whilst still able.” We said ok fine but we will only be round for max 3 hrs and shall we all (us, DBIL and in laws) split the cooking jobs so it’s less work for in laws (also frankly she does too many dishes and none of them are cooked nicely so the meal is endured rather than enjoyed, it is not just me that thinks this DH and DBIL agree). Again she totally refused saying she wants to do it all for herself.
We will go along with this as we don’t wish to upset anyone or rock the boat, but AIBU to think she’s being a bit unreasonable not allowing us to help? What is this about? Is it pride? Power play?
I am slightly concerned that this may set a precedent for us being expected to go every year even when we’ve got small children… obviously I am not sure how we’ll feel about this but I suspect will want to spend Christmas at home as both PILs and BILs houses are not at all child friendly (lots of stuff, both v precious about decor, doubt I’d be able to relax with a baby or toddler eating there).
Has anyone else navigated similar things with their own mothers or MILs being precious about hosting Christmas?