MIL insistent on hosting Christmas

[Zebraelephant]

Name changed as outing.

The context is that DH and I live in his hometown not far from his parents and not far from DBIL and his partner. We all get on and see each other about once a week. I am pregnant with our first child and due in the new year. We have a dog who is welcome to DPILs house but only in certain rooms (we understand and respect this). DBIL works abroad and is only home every other Christmas at best, his partner only has two days off over Xmas usually Christmas Day and either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. My family live quite a distance away and we spent last year with them.

This year with DBIL being home and having spent last year with my family and not wishing to travel due to being heavily pregnant we were always going to be having Xmas with DH family. We hadn’t firmed up plans until this week whilst waiting for DBIL to come home, DPIL tend to dance to his tune a bit I think because a) he was very sick as a child and b) because he has a tendency to strop if not getting his own way despite being a fully grown man (not my circus but included because it is relevant. We get on totally fine with DBIL).

Anyway the other night PIL were over and we spoke about Christmas. Both DMIL and DFIL said they assumed we would be at theirs for Christmas “because it is was DBIL would expect” and DMIL said she wanted to host. We offered to host at ours because a ) there’s more room b) When hosting DMIL spends the whole time in the kitchen other than eating the meal and refuses help and c) we could have longer together because the dog would be here and we wouldn’t be leaving dog to go to theirs (he’s fine being left but don’t want to leave him more than a few hours). DPIL refused and DMILs like of reasoning seemed to be that she “is on countdown” and she wants to “do it for as many years as possible whilst still able.” We said ok fine but we will only be round for max 3 hrs and shall we all (us, DBIL and in laws) split the cooking jobs so it’s less work for in laws (also frankly she does too many dishes and none of them are cooked nicely so the meal is endured rather than enjoyed, it is not just me that thinks this DH and DBIL agree). Again she totally refused saying she wants to do it all for herself.
We will go along with this as we don’t wish to upset anyone or rock the boat, but AIBU to think she’s being a bit unreasonable not allowing us to help? What is this about? Is it pride? Power play?
I am slightly concerned that this may set a precedent for us being expected to go every year even when we’ve got small children… obviously I am not sure how we’ll feel about this but I suspect will want to spend Christmas at home as both PILs and BILs houses are not at all child friendly (lots of stuff, both v precious about decor, doubt I’d be able to relax with a baby or toddler eating there).

Has anyone else navigated similar things with their own mothers or MILs being precious about hosting Christmas?

Just a word from the other point of view.

Your maternal feelings don’t just evaporate when your kids leave home. That overwhelming bond that you feel towards your bump now gets stronger and stronger.

Often Christmas Day can be the only day of the year when my DCs are all together under one roof and I ADORE it. I don’t sleep properly all through December because I’m so excited about it! I understand that they can’t come on Christmas day every year, so we’ll do another ‘Christmas Day’ between the 25th and New Year. Those years, DH and I don’t celebrate on the 25th, our day with the DCs is our Christmas Day.

Your MIL probably knows that you won’t be around so much in future once baby comes. Let her have this one, it obviously means so much to her.

Totally get this but just to say we do have time together all as a family at least weekly when BIL home and when he is not we still make the effort to see them once a week for dinner.

One year, by agreement, I hosted. She (MIL) invited us to hers for boxing day, where she also cooked a full Christmas meal. She just wanted to be the Mum and although she appreciated my offer, she couldn't quite let go of it. I didn't offer again until she physically couldn't do it.
She died this year so won't be with us for Christmas. I couldn't care less who cooks. We'll miss her either way.

I'd go along with Xmas at her place this year, but make it very clear (in a pleasant way) that you'll be having Xmas at your house when you have a child. If you don't make it clear I suspect next year she'll say it's her first year to be able to host as granny/don't know how long she'll be fit enough to do it etc etc. If you sow the seeds now she'll have time to get used to the idea. I'd focus on saying it's your turn to be the 'Mum' now and her turn to let someone else do the work whilst she has time with her son and grandchild.
We had a similar issue with MIL. She's a dreadful cook but was insistent she wanted everyone to go to her place for Xmas (her excuse was every year could be her last being able to cook for her own mum and that hosting Xmas for her grandchildren had apparently always been her dream). We persevered and actually she really enjoyed it the first time they all came to us. She's never even suggested she should host since.

"possibly worrying about how I might set boundaries when the baby arrives"

All that is required for this to happen @Zebraelephant is to have your husband completely on board in setting your boundaries before your baby arrives.

Never too early to plant that seed.

Congratulations 👶

I don't understand the dog situation. You said he's welcome in PIL's house but then say you won't take him and that's one of your reasons for not going. Why don't you take him if he's welcome?

He is only welcome in the kitchen, not in the dining room or living room where we will be spending time on Xmas day

I agree. Start setting out your boundaries now. All well and good she wants her kids together, but when do you have your own with your own kids? She’s also guilting everyone with the ‘countdown’.
you are pregnant now, most say you will have now.

Ah yes don’t worry I’ve made it clear to DH that I’ll need him to do this, he understands and is in full agreement although it won’t be without its hiccoughs I am sure.

Honestly I'm failing to see the issue here.

You are pregnant, heavily pregnant. Why would you want to cook?

You can only stay 3 hours due to dog. Hooray this is your in-laws I mean in fairness do you want to be there?

Totally a win win situation.

We'll be travelling from another country this Christmas to see family and in-laws but my MIL has no desire to host Christmas as too much work. We'll be lucky if we have a cup of tea and a sandwich at their house. SIL I assume we probably won't be invited to their house at all, just have to go on days out to see them all the time. Which is knackering. This has been the way the last 2 trips back we've done not been asked to their house and quite honestly I find it weird. My kids can hardly remember what their cousins bedrooms look like.

Just accept the invite eat them out of house and home for 3 hours and go hone to a nice tidy house. Win win

Just go and try to enjoy it. You expected to be doing so in the first place.

My ILs are the same - so rigid in plans and what they want to do. They insist on hosting, winge about it and then also hate being hosted so it’s uncomfortable all round! We’ve started seeing SIL/BIL without them as we always have to accommodate what they want to do.

How do you know that BIL also thinks his mum's cooking is shit?

I think YABU.

Play nice this year, then it's you and yours from next year, so drop hints like so nice to have Christmas together with you this year, next year we'll have our own little family and it'll be at ours.

We had this with my mil. She was obsessive about having her family all around her at Christmas. I wouldn’t have minded so much but I’m lactose intolerant and she’d cook so much stuff with dairy in and then I’d get yoghurt or something.

eventually we all just got too many for her house (thankfully!) and we then met up at a pub between Christmas and new year.

When mums get older they often don't like to acknowledge it. They don't want to feel redundant from what was a fundamental role in their life.
They like to still cook, host, and keep the horrid realisation they are getting even older at bay.
No doubt it may well happen to some on here too.

Well my BIL is very uncouth and voices his opinion of my mum to me. But there are plenty of polite and affectionate ways to chat about our relatives foibles!

"God, I wish mum would sit down and enjoy the day with us, she does too much in fact, she'd do better to get a few things perfect."
"I agree bless her, remember the year we were all pretending not to notice the sprouts were burned?"

I'd not worry too much about pressure in the future OP, it just needs to be left as a gentle but firm no if it doesn't suit you.

I'm pretty uncouth but I'd never sit there criticising someone's cooking if they'd made me a full Christmas dinner. I wouldn't even do this as a joke, with family. I think that's really horrible personally 😕

I’ve put YABU only because you “don’t want to rock the boat”
Don’t do something you don’t want to do. I always do certain dishes at PILs they know I’m “fussy” and like certain foods a certain way.

You and your husband are your own people and can chose for yourself what to do.

He told us.

This is true and we probably will take over some food, but I think it is fairly normal at this time of year not to want to piss off ones family isn’t it?

It’s 3 hours, you see them enough as it is, you don’t need to spend longer with them, are you on maternity maybe and a little bored so over thinking stuff, I mean power play, really? Just go, have the meal come home and do something Xmassy together nice snacks etc

My thinking is that I want to enjoy myself. I had one awful Christmas at theirs and cried that night it was so bad. My mum did a 2nd Christmas on New Year’s Day for me. I promised myself I would not let it happen again.

I don’t see why it would piss someone off because you like/don’t like certain foods. And if it does that says more about them.

I get it op, my mum is like this, at least she has the biggest house. She loves hosting and whilst personally I prefer my own cooking I let her and realistically it won’t be for many more years now, she’s mid 70’s

You are logged in via a different account? You no longer show as the op.

but if Xmas was so bad it made you cry and your mum had to do another Xmas for you ( which I’m sorry sounds quite immature without further detail) then be glad it’s just 3 hours;