MIL insistent on hosting Christmas

[Zebraelephant]

Name changed as outing.

The context is that DH and I live in his hometown not far from his parents and not far from DBIL and his partner. We all get on and see each other about once a week. I am pregnant with our first child and due in the new year. We have a dog who is welcome to DPILs house but only in certain rooms (we understand and respect this). DBIL works abroad and is only home every other Christmas at best, his partner only has two days off over Xmas usually Christmas Day and either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. My family live quite a distance away and we spent last year with them.

This year with DBIL being home and having spent last year with my family and not wishing to travel due to being heavily pregnant we were always going to be having Xmas with DH family. We hadn’t firmed up plans until this week whilst waiting for DBIL to come home, DPIL tend to dance to his tune a bit I think because a) he was very sick as a child and b) because he has a tendency to strop if not getting his own way despite being a fully grown man (not my circus but included because it is relevant. We get on totally fine with DBIL).

Anyway the other night PIL were over and we spoke about Christmas. Both DMIL and DFIL said they assumed we would be at theirs for Christmas “because it is was DBIL would expect” and DMIL said she wanted to host. We offered to host at ours because a ) there’s more room b) When hosting DMIL spends the whole time in the kitchen other than eating the meal and refuses help and c) we could have longer together because the dog would be here and we wouldn’t be leaving dog to go to theirs (he’s fine being left but don’t want to leave him more than a few hours). DPIL refused and DMILs like of reasoning seemed to be that she “is on countdown” and she wants to “do it for as many years as possible whilst still able.” We said ok fine but we will only be round for max 3 hrs and shall we all (us, DBIL and in laws) split the cooking jobs so it’s less work for in laws (also frankly she does too many dishes and none of them are cooked nicely so the meal is endured rather than enjoyed, it is not just me that thinks this DH and DBIL agree). Again she totally refused saying she wants to do it all for herself.
We will go along with this as we don’t wish to upset anyone or rock the boat, but AIBU to think she’s being a bit unreasonable not allowing us to help? What is this about? Is it pride? Power play?
I am slightly concerned that this may set a precedent for us being expected to go every year even when we’ve got small children… obviously I am not sure how we’ll feel about this but I suspect will want to spend Christmas at home as both PILs and BILs houses are not at all child friendly (lots of stuff, both v precious about decor, doubt I’d be able to relax with a baby or toddler eating there).

Has anyone else navigated similar things with their own mothers or MILs being precious about hosting Christmas?

Kindly, I think you’re overthinking it. MIL is excited to have both her sons at home. She probably just wants to do Christmas as she always did when they were younger. If you’re heavily pregnant, I’d be enjoying the down time because this time next year will be completely different for you.
Is your baby their first grandchild?

I think that this Christmas will be a good time to plant the idea that you’ll want Christmas in your own house sometimes, once you have a child/children.

Yes i understand this but also both DH and DBIL are in their 40s, it’s not like they’ve just left home.
Yes it is their first grandchild.

I thought about this but I am not sure I will bring it up as don’t want to be thought to be creating any kind of atmosphere, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

You never stop being excited about seeing your kids or having your family all together.

enjoy putting your feet up and seeing your husband with his family.

You never stop being a parent OP. MIL will still be excited about having her children home regardless of their ages but you are not being unreasonable to think that Christmas my look different next year.

I loved it when it was DHs family's turn to host while I was heavily pregnant (also their first grandchild), I didn't have to lift a finger! I even had a nap! Next year will be a very different Christmas with a baby, so I would use this year to just relax 😊

I would go with it this year. MIL sounds as if she’s happy to have both sons at home and maybe feels that there may not be many more chances for her to host the family Christmases that she has done previously.

It also makes it easier for you to make some different choices next year when you’ll have DC. Once we had children we made a decision that we weren’t going anywhere for Christmas and that we were staying at home. Family are welcome to visit and stay for as long as they want, I’m happy to host, cook, make beds and buy truckloads of food/drink etc. but I’m not going anywhere!

By next Christmas you'll have a baby who is crawling everywhere so you'll prefer to stay at home anyway.

I'd just do my best to enjoy my last child-free Christmas and put my feet up. Let MIL do her own thing - it'll be the last time she does it at her house.

Just smile and nod. As an earlier poster said just let her get on with it for now, put your pregnant feet up and endure the crappy food. Don't worry about precedent setting. Things ebb and flow and next year your whole life will look completely different, everything will feel different and closer to the time you can make sure you set firm, kind boundaries to establish that you will be having the Christmas you and your DH want.

Let her do it and make something you like to eat Christmas night at home.

woth the baby next year......"we're having Christmas at home this year let us know when you want to visit" to everyone.

haha seems we are all in agreement on this, OP!

Even more reason to be excited about her sons being home for Christmas then if they’re older! Don’t think of it as a gourmet meal, just a great chance to catch up with family. You even have a brilliant excuse if you don’t want to stay too long. I don’t like ‘help’ when cooking either. I think if you’re hosting it’s expected for the hosts to do it all and she may enjoy it - and not want people getting in their way.

I’m sure you will love it when your child comes to Christmas as an adult with their partner and child - and refuse help too!

also YANBU - she does sound a bit like hard work but welcome to the club!

Absolutely, this.

Yes ! I will go with the flow this year and try and not think about it too much. Usually I wouldn’t I am not sure why it has left me mulling it over a bit in light of our chat the other night, possibly worrying about how I might set boundaries when the baby arrives but again, will cross that bridge when we come to it.

MIL wants both her children together on Xmas day, if she doesn't want help that's up to her. Be thankful you all get along and you can relax and not lift a finger.

(You'll be a Mum soon, do you think you'll lose interest in your kids once they've reached 18? One day you will be the annoying MIL trying to hang on to your family and traditions🤫).

This!

Be prepared for it to come up over Christmas that next Christmas there will be a lovely baby in the mix and that’s your chance to say something like how it’s an amazing thought and how you’ve both enjoyed spending Christmases with your mum and dad and with them, but it will still be super special starting your own traditions at home next year and hosting for those who want to come and you can’t wait.

If you want Christmases at home on the 25th then next year you’ll need to start as you mean to go on or you will get pushback potentially from both sides that it worked so well last year and you can put for feet up blah, blah, blah.

I’d let her do Christmas the way she likes it best this year and be obviously appreciative. It’s hard to hand the baton on sometimes.

Hmmmm. I'd play nice this year. Next year is your parent's turn (if you fancy) and the year after is your time to insist you have folk coming to you - you want DC in their own home for Xmas and if in-laws want to visit even better.

Start getting into the mindset that YOU, your husband and new baby are the most important family now, and you between you all set your own "what is our family doing at christmastime"

Yes its nice to go to PIL, yes its nice to go to your own parents, but at some point, you want to start your own traditions. If you want to do a home Christmas next year, then do it. Put it out there, if you want it just you 3, thats fine, if you want to host 20 - then send out invites. You have a Christmas snow globe that is empty just waiting to be filled of what you want your Christmas to be.

Op you said you always plan to hold Xmas at mils the only issue here is who cooks ?

I'd say she's very aware things are shifting and future Chtistmasses will be different, once you are parents yourselves and just wants to do 'her' Xmas whilst she can.
I'd go along with good grace and then make it clear that in future you will be spending it at home and will host them instead.

Yes definitely let her do her thing this year. From next year you have Christmas at home with your family, invite them if you want to, but you'll be at home, just as she was with her children.

• I would however mention that you will defiantly want to hold Xmas at home when you have baby.

No we hadn’t decided who would host, just that we’d be spending it with DH family