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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

40th birthday party blip

54 replies

PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 13:48

My husband invited some family up for my 40th birthday party on Friday. It was lovely to see my sisters and their husbands and children and my own parents. Also, my husbands parents came too.

We had planned a night out over the weekend but after Friday, I felt so sad. When arriving at the party, my inlaws, who were first to arrive said happy birthday etc but when father in law saw my daughters the first thing he says is long time no see and then mother in law announced the death of her former colleague who had died a few hours before on my actual birthday. She then went on to tell me about the woman, her age and about her children and how she shares a birthday with Mil and my husband. She then went on to talk about other people who have died recently (young women and mothers). I could feel a lump in my throat and the tears ready. I just felt terribly sad and sorry for these women. And now I feel self absorbed for feeling this way - I feel for these women and their children and families and i just feel sort of guilty for even wanting a party and a chance to celebrate with my own children. MIL then showed me a photo of the woman who had died (her beautiful smile staring back at me). I just felt the tears coming and havent been able to get her out of my mind (and I have never met this woman but feel such pain for her family). Am I being a horrible person for being annoyed at this (I know I have empathy been I truly feel for this famly). I know death comes to us all. It's just that I feel I was confronted with the reality of it at my party (a small crowd round at the house to mark the milestone).

Sorry for the rant. I said to ny dh about it and he didnt say anything. Mil did the same on evening of our wedding anniversary, talking abiut the death of another local woman who has died. Is this just what people do? Am I being ridiculously petty?

Like, yes I'm an adult and I'm 40 so I should know to give people a piece if my heart readily if they need it and be supportive and also, usually I fele it important to mention people's names who have passed and hear about them.

Then there's the feeling that my birthday was just so sad and I missed the chance to laugh and share all the great things I am so thankful to have in my life. Its like this massive dampener hanging over me.

OP posts:
HangryBrickShark · 07/12/2025 13:56

I think your actually depressed and so you are consumed with this. I think you should go to your GP for help. This is what I used to do when I was depressed and I'd be so sad about someone who had died or the rabbit I'd seen run over in the road.

The one day at 5.30am I found a cat that had been hit by a car. It was a gorgeous Tom cat. Not a mark on him, but he was still warm. It really really upset me as he was still warm and it must have happened seconds before I'd arrived. I handed him to the vet to be scanned and I couldn't get him out of my mind for months after.

That's why I went on anti depressants which have got me through the loss of my Mum and my horse this year.

ginasevern · 07/12/2025 17:36

Sorry but I don't agree with the previous poster at all. You don't sound depressed OP, and your reaction is perfectly normal. My mum did something similar to me many years ago. I was enjoying a special night out and she phoned to tell me that a 13 year old boy in our village had been killed by a drunk driver. She said the poor boy was going to see a local rugby match and had kissed his mum on the cheek and said "see you later, love you mum". I didn't know the boy but I was in pieces by the end of the call and simply couldn't enjoy the evening any more. Why my mum decided to phone and tell me I have no idea, but I assume she wanted to share her own grief at this horrible incident. My sadness at this boy's death lingered with me for a long time afterwards. Also, as people get older they do tend to dwell on death and mortality. It's quite common for them to have endless stories of people who have died or had operations etc.

LocalHobo · 07/12/2025 17:55

Tricky one. I think with birthdays, particularly significant milestone ages, it is quite normal to feel emotional. Your MIL may seem pre-occupied with the loss of others your age because she realises how lucky she and the extended family are to have not experienced such tragedies.
Other people are just a bit obsessed with death. My DC used to laugh at my DM who would tell them seemingly lovely stories, such as the whistling boy who delivered milk when she was little, and they usually ended with lines like "Of course, he went off to war and was horribly mutilated".
Whichever of these directions your MIL is coming from, I understand the conversation could make you feel upset, it could even make you feel the need rein in your complete joy at celebrating your birthday but being annoyed does seem a shame. If you really don't want to hear any negativity just shut MIL down with a "I'm not having any sadness on my special day" and change the subject. I suspect she has no idea how she is making you feel.

Namechangerage · 07/12/2025 18:04

They sound awful, maybe don’t invite them next time!! I do think your reaction is a little disproportionate. Like, I called two of my parents on my 40th birthday - the stepparent said happy birthday and was then going on about their anxiety and a big argument at their sports club for 20 mins. My reaction was not to get all depressed and let it ruin my evening. I just thought “god what dickheads” and moved on.

Your DH not saying anything is weird though. If I had heard that going on I would have said “mum can you not” and steered her away. Or if I heard about it later I would have sympathised and said something like “sorry about my weird parents, let’s not invite them next time”. So he sounds unsupportive.

If it helps, alongside 2 of my parents doing that on the phone, at my 40th birthday meal my MIL did something at the start that made me feel like I wanted to leave my own birthday dinner! I regret inviting her though it didn’t spoil my whole birthday. I just learned my lesson for next time! She won’t be getting an invite to anything of mine going forward.

ItsmeMargo · 07/12/2025 18:05

I don’t think YABU. MIL Should I have tried and kept it zipped… Her sad story was for another day, not your birthday party. My DM was always on standby with a tale of woe in order to bring me down.

Squirrelblanket · 07/12/2025 18:08

Some people are just like this. You could have nipped it in the bud, changed the subject, walked away etc.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 18:09

Your MIL is weird to keep going on about death at your birthday but your reaction is completely disproportionate. I can’t imagine feeling that level of emotion (positive or negative) over things that don’t directly affect me.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/12/2025 18:12

I don't think it was appropriate for your MIL to talk at length about the death of this former colleague of hers and other people she knew who have died recently. She was deliberately spoiling what should have been a happy occasion for you.

I assume that you didn't know this woman so I don't know why she brought it up. It's hardly condusive to a happy occasion like a birthday party.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/12/2025 18:19

If you're basically annoyed that MIL has yet again ruined a happy occasion for you, then I think YANBU.

She sounds rather odd tbh. Does she dwell on death and bad news generally or only when someone else is particularly happy and the centre of attention?

I know some people that are obsessed by death - they race to be the first to post on fb when they hear someone has died. They've come a cropper a few times by either really upsetting the loved ones of the deceased, or getting all the details wrong because they're in such a rush.
If it were them behaving like your MIL I'd just brush it off, they'd do it at a party, at the supermarket, or at someone else's funeral! But if it was someone who always has to rain on the parade I'd be properly pissed off.

Ideally your DH would have intervened as soon as she started and told her it's a happy occasion and it's not appropriate.

Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:32

Thank you for your insights. I think it was the emotional drain I felt at the time as I was in watching Christmas songs with my youngest before guests arrived. As soon as inlaws arrived, mother in law announced the news that this woman had died. It was very sad to hear of a woman with three young children who had suffered and died on my birthday and then to hear that she shared a birthday with mil and dh - it was like this contrast between good and bad.

It was then when she told me how good this woman was and then went on to talk about other women and young mothers. I felt this overwhelming feeling and a gulp in my throat. Then later on when talking to my sister, she showed me this woman's funeral notification photo and I saw her face and then it hit me - here i am celebrating with my children and another mother is dead. Suppose it souns depressing for me to write this. I feel self-absorbed and selfish and almost like a bad human for not focusing my compassion on the family rather than thinking about ny mood at the party. I could have redirected it if I knew it was coming but almost felt blindsided and that she was pouring her emotions out on to me and I had nowhere to put it as I didn't know the woman.

Its like conflicting emotions - I feel co.passion for this woman and wish she didn't have to suffer. At 40, I know the realities of life. I just wanted to leave reality outside the door for a few hours..

OP posts:
Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:36

Squirrelblanket · 07/12/2025 18:08

Some people are just like this. You could have nipped it in the bud, changed the subject, walked away etc.

Yes, I could have. But it was at the front door when I was welcoming them in and was sort of blindsided by it. I feel selfish for thinking she could have said this at another time like a "me me me" it's my birthday type of feeling. It's the conflicting emotional side of this interaction and the details of the woman added this weight thay I didn't know where to place it at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:42

ginasevern · 07/12/2025 17:36

Sorry but I don't agree with the previous poster at all. You don't sound depressed OP, and your reaction is perfectly normal. My mum did something similar to me many years ago. I was enjoying a special night out and she phoned to tell me that a 13 year old boy in our village had been killed by a drunk driver. She said the poor boy was going to see a local rugby match and had kissed his mum on the cheek and said "see you later, love you mum". I didn't know the boy but I was in pieces by the end of the call and simply couldn't enjoy the evening any more. Why my mum decided to phone and tell me I have no idea, but I assume she wanted to share her own grief at this horrible incident. My sadness at this boy's death lingered with me for a long time afterwards. Also, as people get older they do tend to dwell on death and mortality. It's quite common for them to have endless stories of people who have died or had operations etc.

I'm sorry your mum did this. Its like this emotional weight and you don't know where to put it especially when you are out for a night to have fun. It's all very intense. Then this feeling that you're not being compassionate towards other people's pain and a feeling of guilt almost. Maybe it's me but these stories do hit me.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2025 18:42

Nothing wrong with your Birthday being all about you but you seem to also be making the deaths of complete strangers about you as well

Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:43

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2025 18:42

Nothing wrong with your Birthday being all about you but you seem to also be making the deaths of complete strangers about you as well

Yes, I can see that side too.

OP posts:
Wobblylegs1 · 07/12/2025 18:43

I’d say it’s unusual for news of the death of a complete stranger to bring somebody to tears. I am an incredibly (and I mean embarrassingly!) tearful person, and even I don’t start crying when my mum tells me about old Mrs X down the road who’s had a stroke etc.
Might you be extra sensitive / hormonal?

Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:45

Wobblylegs1 · 07/12/2025 18:43

I’d say it’s unusual for news of the death of a complete stranger to bring somebody to tears. I am an incredibly (and I mean embarrassingly!) tearful person, and even I don’t start crying when my mum tells me about old Mrs X down the road who’s had a stroke etc.
Might you be extra sensitive / hormonal?

Perhaps. Maybe it's the details that get me. Also maybe I've made this about myself. I can see that too.

OP posts:
BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 18:47

Sorry OP but you are a perfect example of how people who describe themselves as being very empathetic are actually just completely self-absorbed trauma thieves.

Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:48

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 18:47

Sorry OP but you are a perfect example of how people who describe themselves as being very empathetic are actually just completely self-absorbed trauma thieves.

OK, how am I a trauma thief? I know myself that I feel for this wkman. Is it because I'm complaining about it and took it on here?

OP posts:
Wobblylegs1 · 07/12/2025 18:49

PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:45

Perhaps. Maybe it's the details that get me. Also maybe I've made this about myself. I can see that too.

Show quote history

Also, are you emotional about turning 40? I recently turned 40 and did go through a few evenings of existential pondering. 40 feels old in a way 30 doesn’t. I can see how talk of young people dying might be triggering around a big birthday.

NarwhalBuddy · 07/12/2025 18:50

It sounds like your MIL just likes something to moan about, and also something to bring your mood down, deliberately.

Ariel896 · 07/12/2025 18:53

I disagree with some of the pps. Your MIL sounds like a trauma thief and telling you on the doorstep as you welcome her in on your birthday! Sounds like my own MIL. Hates anyone being happy or joyous and has to bring it down. But dress it up as feeling incredibly sad for some local random woman. Her behaviour is creepy to the extreme

Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:54

Wobblylegs1 · 07/12/2025 18:49

Also, are you emotional about turning 40? I recently turned 40 and did go through a few evenings of existential pondering. 40 feels old in a way 30 doesn’t. I can see how talk of young people dying might be triggering around a big birthday.

Show quote history

Yes I suppose I do feel quite hormonal and maybe it's the fact that I'm not mature enough yet to accept death as a part of life. There's a real feeling that I've made this about myself (the comment about being a trauma thief from pp).

If you can't be authentic at 40 then when can you.

OP posts:
NarwhalBuddy · 07/12/2025 19:07

Ariel896 · 07/12/2025 18:53

I disagree with some of the pps. Your MIL sounds like a trauma thief and telling you on the doorstep as you welcome her in on your birthday! Sounds like my own MIL. Hates anyone being happy or joyous and has to bring it down. But dress it up as feeling incredibly sad for some local random woman. Her behaviour is creepy to the extreme

I agree with this. I mean, did she know the woman personally? Because it sounds like it’s just someone MIL heard about and just HAD to tell you on your birthday.

and there’s also nothing wrong with getting emotional about it. She told you to get a reaction. You are only human. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.

also happy big birthday OP. you are as young and as old as you will ever be again

Original poster
PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 19:20

NarwhalBuddy · 07/12/2025 19:07

I agree with this. I mean, did she know the woman personally? Because it sounds like it’s just someone MIL heard about and just HAD to tell you on your birthday.

and there’s also nothing wrong with getting emotional about it. She told you to get a reaction. You are only human. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.

also happy big birthday OP. you are as young and as old as you will ever be again

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I think she knew her years ago when they worked together. She was quite young, eerly 50s, with young children. It was the fact that she had died so young. I understand the side where pp are saying I am taking other peoples trauma and making it about me as I chose to put this on mumsnet rather than rationalise it myself and refrain from making myself a victim.

I suppose social media is full of this when they publicise deaths and the comments section are full. It's like constant doom scrolling.

Maybe they knew each other more personally over the years as they worked together.

Thank you for the birthday wishes though.

OP posts:
BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/12/2025 19:31

PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 18:48

OK, how am I a trauma thief? I know myself that I feel for this wkman. Is it because I'm complaining about it and took it on here?

Show quote history

No, it’s the reaction. You can appreciate that it’s sad without all the blubbering. It’s like when you tell someone something bad that happened to yourself and they start crying! Like excuse me, it’s not your trauma? (Not saying you do that, just explaining why these kind of reactions rub me the wrong way).