40th birthday party blip

[PennysPowers]

My husband invited some family up for my 40th birthday party on Friday. It was lovely to see my sisters and their husbands and children and my own parents. Also, my husbands parents came too.

We had planned a night out over the weekend but after Friday, I felt so sad. When arriving at the party, my inlaws, who were first to arrive said happy birthday etc but when father in law saw my daughters the first thing he says is long time no see and then mother in law announced the death of her former colleague who had died a few hours before on my actual birthday. She then went on to tell me about the woman, her age and about her children and how she shares a birthday with Mil and my husband. She then went on to talk about other people who have died recently (young women and mothers). I could feel a lump in my throat and the tears ready. I just felt terribly sad and sorry for these women. And now I feel self absorbed for feeling this way - I feel for these women and their children and families and i just feel sort of guilty for even wanting a party and a chance to celebrate with my own children. MIL then showed me a photo of the woman who had died (her beautiful smile staring back at me). I just felt the tears coming and havent been able to get her out of my mind (and I have never met this woman but feel such pain for her family). Am I being a horrible person for being annoyed at this (I know I have empathy been I truly feel for this famly). I know death comes to us all. It's just that I feel I was confronted with the reality of it at my party (a small crowd round at the house to mark the milestone).

Sorry for the rant. I said to ny dh about it and he didnt say anything. Mil did the same on evening of our wedding anniversary, talking abiut the death of another local woman who has died. Is this just what people do? Am I being ridiculously petty?

Like, yes I'm an adult and I'm 40 so I should know to give people a piece if my heart readily if they need it and be supportive and also, usually I fele it important to mention people's names who have passed and hear about them.

Then there's the feeling that my birthday was just so sad and I missed the chance to laugh and share all the great things I am so thankful to have in my life. Its like this massive dampener hanging over me.

I recognise what you’re saying but I don’t think it’s fair to paint everyone with the ‘trauma thief’ brush.
Sometimes witnessing others’ distress awakens grief from deep within you in a way you weren’t expecting or ready for. People have different levels of emotional self-control. Some people can squash down the tears and others just can’t.

I think you can legitimately be pissed off that MIL chose your birthday celebrations to talk about the death of her ex colleague - not just in passing but with enough detail to include her birthday, her kids, show a photo of her etc. And then mentioning other people who have died. That’s just not appropriate IMO and she should have kept quiet.

Yes your reaction is on the emotional end of the scale but it seems like MIL’s approach was almost designed to make you feel sad. So not surprising that you did!

I don’t think you’re a trauma thief.

Come on, op isn't a trauma thief FFS. If anyone is it's the MIL. Absolute shit thing to do.

I dont want to give too much information about this woman. I know she was a teacher in management and held in high esteem within the school community. Mil must have worked with her a while before she retired but not sure how close they were in recent years Also, my mil lost her mother young.

It's just the fact that one minute I'm listening to Fairytale of New York with one child who was trying to do the splits, and then i open the door, a quick hello and then hear about this woman's death. It was thus sudden shift in mood. Then when my mum arrived and sat down, she shared the news with her also. She also told my mum how she and dh shared a birthday with this woman. It was like she was processing all this information. Then when I was at the kitchem table later on with my mum and sister, she passed me her phone to read the funeral notification and thats when i saw her photo. I looked at my own children and felt sad. I didn't openly blubber but felt a lump in my throat you know the way you do when you hear something sad. I feel shame for feeling like the moments were stolen and like I was being selfish to feel annoyed at hearing the news. Like I appreciate that can come across as selfish.

Also, nust befire that we were looking at family photos and there was one with my dad holding me as a baby. My dad jokingly asked my dh what was he doing at that time back in the 80s as in we were oblivious to each others existences - mil answers oh he was probably safe in my arms. Then fil remarked on dh and mil washing dishes together, and laughed at how dh declined help from dad and he said isn't he a mummy's boy, he'll only let his mum help. She didn't seem to offload all this info to my dh but seemed to direct it at my and o don't know why.

Yeah I know where you are coming from. Most of the time, I try to be mindful of how i respond when people talk about bad things that have happened to them and. In fact I am quite intense and overthink (as that's clear). I didn't outwardly blubber though, I felt the lump in my throat when I heard about the womans death and young children and the fact that she was only early 50s. I felt sad for her - maybe inappropriate and it isn't my grief so I can see what you mean. I know people are blindsided by all sorts of things and this is trivial in comparison. I feel the evening took a different turn and that's on me. Then when saw the photo I didn't know what I was meant to say or do. Maybe mil wanted me to listen to her and process the grief.

You’ve thought (and typed) about the death of this stranger for 100 times longer than you needed to. Yes it’s sad, but people like your MIL are just doom-mongers and the correct response is a quick hug and an “oh that’s sad” then offer to go and get drinks and walk away. Find someone more cheery. Do not join the doom-monger club.

100% agree. Well made point.

Don't invite her again, she's one of those people who live for the death drama in other people's lives.

Sharing the news of what has happened that has affected them, including people dying in sad circumstances or who they were close to is just part of making conversation. I find your reaction really odd. But maybe it's a cultural difference between England and Ireland. I often find death in England treated as something that needs sanitised rather than a natural part of life and society

I don’t believe that you saw a funeral notification for someone who died that day ? Arranging a funeral takes quite some time from them passing

This! The whole sharing a birthday thing is her trying to connect herself to the trauma that doesn’t belong to her. And it’s wildly inappropriate to shove all this in your face (and your mum’s) on your birthday.

Next big event leave mil off the guest list. What a fucking joy sucker.
Imo she damn well knew what she was doing.

Good point. This is a bizarre thread, how does DMIL know of so many ‘young mother deaths’? Do you think she may be involved?

it was online that evening.

Women who have passed away in recent months who live within the local community or within the county.

What so she’s keeping a mental list of them?? Weird. And then to share it with you, someone the same age. It’s almost like she’s trying to freak you out.

Yes, I'm not sure if it is intentional and she is trying to freak me out but if she is, then it certainly worked the other night. Again, I know I potentially sound spiteful and me me me. It was thrown out there on what I thought would be a celebration at my house. Two of the women were in early 40s, lived local to them and had children in their teens and the other woman mil mentioned was a sibling of one of her relatives' spouses. She said the woman had died within a week of diagnosis. I don't know why I had the reaction I did. Maybe she brought out my own worst fears and I feel resentful. Who knows. It's trivial in the grand scheme. But it wasn't the evening I was expecting and that's on me too, I know. She could have ended it after the first conversation but to then say it my mum and then to pass me the photo when it was up that evening - I just didn't know what she wanted me to do with it when I was just trying to have a laugh and then I feel guilty for saying such a thing about a person who has passed, as if they are an inconvenience. Ffs like pp said, I've mentioned this too many times now.

You must have a big heart and a lot of empathy.
Because a lot of people would be writing a "am I unreasonable to be annoyed at my mother-in-law for hijacking my 40th birthday party conversation with tales about some friend that she knew that I didn't even know who died recently."
And here you are saying that you feel badly that this woman (who you didn't know) has died and you feel so badly about having a party.
Like I said you must have a lot of empathy. You sound like a kind person. I'm sorry you're 40th birthday party wasn't exactly as you expected it to be.

Your MIL is a thoughtless ghoul who needs pulling up on her inappropriate behaviour. You need to learn to live in the moment and make the most of the life you have.

My mother often rings with news of local deaths and tragic stories. It's gotten worse as she's gotten older. Not really sure why but it's definitely not a personal thing. It just consumes her so she just wants to discuss it with others.

The sadder the circumstance thr more she will discuss it. I'm sorry she spoiled your birthday

It’s normal to be sad when we hear of other peoples passing especially when it is someone of a similar age or someone you can relate to; it is a stark reminder of our own mortality too. However to dwell on it for so long is not a healthy reaction. Why would it have ruined your whole evening? Are we never to mention death at any social gathering? Do we have to tread carefully and not mention anything that is not happy and positive. That is fake and it is not real life, it’s good to feel all emotions. Life is precious and we never know how long we have left so rather than dwelling on this and sitting in a negative emotion, switch it to something positive and appreciate the time you have with your family even more.

I can’t imagine going to someone’s party and talking about death. I think for your next birthday I would book a trip with your husband and children. Your MIL doesn’t seem to care much for your happiness so she shouldn’t be included.

Its sad but sad things happen everyday to people you don't know, like this woman, so I do think you overreacted about it. I was 40 last week also though so happy similar birthday 🎂

My mother visiting me after the birth of my only child, went on to tell me about a baby being born with spina bifida and a girl on the next street being forced by her parents to give her baby up for adoption, l was already anxious and she took the joy away.

It’s okay to say “enough about death now, this is a happy event” when that’s happening.

As for shame, if I died young then the last thing I would want is mothers who are alive not to have happy moments with their children because I’m no longer around. If anything I’d want them all to be cherishing and partying with their children to make the most of their precious time left. As kindly as possible, you crying and feeling guilty isn’t going to help her children.

I don’t think you’re depressed, but I think you might benefit from some counselling as this level of upset and introspection from the death of a stranger is unhealthy.