To wonder why DH made such a fuss

[ChristmasShift]

DS, 12, has had flu for over a week. He’s been very ill, up most nights and absolutely no routine. It’s wiped him out, he didn’t eat anything for days. He’s turned a corner and improving but still exhausted.

I was up early this morning, enjoying the quiet. DH has had food poisoning so been in the spare room. He appeared at 10.15 asking why I hadn’t woken DS up, I said he probably needs the sleep, generally he’s not one for laying in or sleeping loads. DH went back up and kept coming back down every 15 minutes to say I should really wake DS up. It got to 11 and I was fed up of his constant jibbing so I went and woke DS up. This is the odd thing though. DH came and ate something and has now gone back to bed to apparently rest! Fine but I don’t get why he was so absolutely adamant that DS needed waking up.

Ive said why did you keep on that DS should be woken up and he’s gone into a strop about how he has to work tomorrow so needs rest. Makes no sense to why DS couldn’t sleep in.

Is it that your son is often bad at getting up? There's lots of articles about how it's important to go to bed and get up at the same time everyday, so is it that? Still seems off to push it when someone is sick, though.

My son is great at getting up. When he is well we are up and out for school by 7.30 and on weekends he’s up by 8.30, that’s why I knew he must have needed the sleep because he never sleeps in like that. Ironically me and DS are always up and about before the husband.

Thank you. I’ve taken this on board and had a think. I feel like a live in nanny that happens to have a good relationship with DS but everything I do must go through the boss and if I question it or don’t agree then I’m abusive. Yes working part time is used against me as is my condition caused by my accident.

Not a good enough reason.

Would you jump off a cliff if he asked you to? Pathetic from you and DH.

That's an appalling state of affairs. Your husband is being incredibly cruel. Really think you need to consider your options, as you deserve so much better than this - as does your son.

You absolutely need to rethink your position. This is not a healthy way for you both to live.

However, if this is autism related, he may feel very uneasy when the usual routine is broken. He may feel unable to settle, because people aren’t doing what they normally do. That doesn’t mean he should get his own way. Just that might be his underlying motivation.

I find when I point out the underlying issue, DH is better at managing himself. He used to be awful for a few days before a dentist visit. He didn’t notice it himself, but he was tetchy, didn’t sleep well.
When I can point out why he’s u settled and miserable, he does a better job of recognising his behaviour is unreasonable. If I don’t point it out he tends to think we are unreasonable and irritating rather than seeing that he’s being hyper sensitive and easily annoyed.

@ChristmasShift - your husband is abusive and controlling. It’s obvious you’re walking on eggshells and your DS (any other DCs) walk on eggshells too. I can see you chose the lesser of two evils. When a husband is abusive the last thing to do is ‘poke the bear’.

To those posters saying you’d have told him to fuck off, how dare she wake her son, what kind of parent is she/they etc etc - you clearly have ‘normal’ relationships. Abusers play games and generally are not like this before you marry/have children. They slowly, slowly get worse to the point where it’s normalised to be on the receiving end. You’d not tell an abuser to fuck off.

If and when you try to leave they get worse. OPs life will revolve around placating her husband and ensuring damage limitation whilst trying to ensure her DC(s) are as ok as possible.

No, it isn’t right but please stop victim blaming. Unless you’ve been in, survived and/or left an abusive relationship you have NO idea what it’s like to live with day in and day out. You feel powerless, intimidated, isolated and trapped and often have little access to money. Abusers present incredibly well to outsiders too, so you don’t feel you’d be believed, and actually you often aren’t.

@ChristmasShift - there is support available to help you. Your GP, Women’s Aid, solicitors - you and your DC(s) don’t have to remain trapped.