AIBU to want husband to have the snip?

[Brodie13]

We’re both 41 and have two kids (8 & 10). We are done having kids, we know that. I’ve always been on contraception, I’ve currently got the implant. Cycles all over the place. It’s 3 years this month so will have it taken out soon. I gave my husband Dec as a deadline to get a vasectomy months ago. He’s booked in for tomorrow!
Here’s the complication. His brother is infertile and my husband has donated his sperm to them. They have a 2 year old and another baby due in May. He told his brother he had the snip planned and to let him know if not ok. Heard nothing and so he messaged him again today to check and his brother has said they’d feel better if he waited until baby born. They still have 10 embryos. We live in Australia, they live in UK. I’m so over it, doing things for other people and not us. I accidentally fell pregnant 3 years ago and we decided to terminate, I think about it everyday and it makes me sad. I’m also constantly worried about it happening again. AIBU to be really upset if he cancels the op tomorrow?

You and your dh can not be at his brothers beck and call regarding fertility especially when it's having a impact on your physical and mental health.

What happens if after the baby is born they decide they want another one .

I have no idea if it's practical or possible but can your dh freeze his sperms for their future use ?

Do you happen to know how many kids brother is wanting? If it’s waiting until May I’d probably be okay with it (although I’d no way be having sex with him). YANBU to want him to get the snip ASAP though.

Absolutely this….100%…..

They have 10 in the bank and yet brother said wait till baby is born. Wow

how does dh feel? His nephew is tech his child

but yes get the snip done now

if they are so desperate for another baby they can go to sperm bank if the 10 fail

This is your husband's choice and no-one else's.

They’re definitely done with two kids! They don’t want anymore. Guess they’d just rather he waited until they have their two kids. But even if things go wrong with baby number 2, they have 10 embryos frozen and so wouldn’t need DH unless they all failed!

Bringing the operation forward could add unnecessary stress for your BIL and SIL at an already vulnerable time. If your DH is their only chance at having a second child – and he’s keen to support them – it seems kind and reasonable to hold off for a few more months.

Hopefully everything goes smoothly with the pregnancy, and then your DH can go ahead with his operation knowing he’s done what he can to help his brother and SIL grow their family.

I'd say: if you don't have it tomorrow that is up to you. If you want to wait until may that is up to you.

Going forward i will not be using any kind of contraception and i don't want another child. So there will be no sex until after you have the snip and get the all clear.

There is no way i would let my own health be impacted by some couple half a world away.

Surely the sperm can be retrieved via needle from testicle if they need more after the snip.

Plus they have TEN embryos

I would agree with him that is is OK to wait until May as long as he agrees that there will be no sex until he has had it done. The ball is then in his court as far as following through the appointment or choosing to abstain, perhaps in perpetuity, as ultimately you cannot force him to have it done if he prioritises his brother over you.

This! It’s massively selfish & putting you at the bottom of the pecking order, impacting both your physical & mental health - I’m shocked & don’t believe any loving husband would do this!

Totally separate, I know, but does your DH not mind that he has DCs half a world away??

No, he doesn’t mind. We’re glad we could help.
He is very reluctant to go ahead with it as doesn’t want to mess with his body. And I think his brother saying this is helping to give himself an excuse. He doesn’t understand why we can’t just use condoms. I don’t really have an answer but he’ll massively resent me if I make him go through with this. It’s causing so many arguments. I can’t really explain why I want him to have it I just do

Then you are being very very unreasonable if he doesn’t want it done and you’re trying to force him into it

Yeah I guess I am, I just want him to want to do something for me/us but then that’s me being selfish. Just feel it’s all been on me forever and I’d like it not to be.

I think you have been incredibly selfless tbh

Tell him to untie the umbilical cord between him and his brother and put his bloody wife first

Use condoms, youre not teenagers!

Tell him he can wait until db's baby is born.. If he can wait until then to have sex with you.
If he is sure your marriage can survive that long.
Is he prepared to put his db before his dw? Ask him that.

I understand from your side but also from his. It’s his body and if he doesn’t feel comfortable with it Îm not sure Îd force the matter.

That’s a good point

Complicated situation OP with a multitude of emotions for u to deal with.
You can't make your husband have the snip if he doesn't want to and I fully understand why you can't rely on condoms.
You are also dealing with the aftermath of emotions following your termination.
My heart goes out to you OP and I don't have any answers.
I actually think your BIL and his wife are being very selfish and non appreciate of your emotions.

I think the difference is that condoms can still result in accidental pregnancy, which will then result in YOU 'messing with your body' regardless of whether you have a termination or have the baby. And it feels more 'unfair' because you end up having no choice in 'messing with your body' in either outcome.

He gets to choose not to 'mess with his body' but doesn't suffer the physical consequences of that decision. So he's making a decision on his own body autonomy which potentially has a direct impact on yours instead. That's probably why you feel uncomfortable with it, at least partly. I'm not commenting on the rights and wrongs of it!

The brother is out of order. They've got 'spares' in the freezer, so to speak.
Husband may be using this as an excuse - some men (well, lots of men, tbh) worry that the snip will somehow affect their performance, or take away part of their masculinity.
From personal experience, I can vouch that it has no effect on either, it simply means you're 'firing blanks'. For me and (then) partner it was the most satisfactory and straightforward method of contraception.

He is very reluctant to go ahead with it as doesn’t want to mess with his body.

oh fucking men! Tell him he has a choice: he "messes with his body" (i am aware that this is not zero risk but it is very very low risk and easier for men) or there is no sex.

You have been messing with your body with artificial hormones, not to mention 2 pregnancies, and now it is his turn.

Entirely his decision

I have personally witnessed a border collie cross biting a child in the face. It was horrific beyond words. The wound required stitches and has left a permanent scar. It was probably more of a warning nip than a full-on aggressive bite, but it was still more than enough to cause serious damage.

Like pretty much everyone is saying, you should get the dog away from your kids immediately.

Youre not unreasonable to feel upset if he cancels but I think people should only have surgery they want to have

Oops, sorry, commented on the wrong post!