AIBU to want husband to have the snip?

[Brodie13]

We’re both 41 and have two kids (8 & 10). We are done having kids, we know that. I’ve always been on contraception, I’ve currently got the implant. Cycles all over the place. It’s 3 years this month so will have it taken out soon. I gave my husband Dec as a deadline to get a vasectomy months ago. He’s booked in for tomorrow!
Here’s the complication. His brother is infertile and my husband has donated his sperm to them. They have a 2 year old and another baby due in May. He told his brother he had the snip planned and to let him know if not ok. Heard nothing and so he messaged him again today to check and his brother has said they’d feel better if he waited until baby born. They still have 10 embryos. We live in Australia, they live in UK. I’m so over it, doing things for other people and not us. I accidentally fell pregnant 3 years ago and we decided to terminate, I think about it everyday and it makes me sad. I’m also constantly worried about it happening again. AIBU to be really upset if he cancels the op tomorrow?

This plus a termination! Fuck me Op, you’ve put your body through enough over the years - it’s his turn to step up now (however that may look, from vasectomy to abstinence).

I read about Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome and now would never ask an OH to have a vasectomy, it's just not worth the risk. We just use condoms and always have for 20 years (I've never tried long term hormonal contraception of any kind).

Do not, DO NOT keep using contraception anymore if you are done with it. It is really bad for women in the first place! He needs to use condoms or there is no sex until he gets the snip.

It's his body so you can't force him to have the procedure.

But it is also YOUR body and YOUR health that is at serious risk, if you become pregnant again.

Do not compromise your health op.

I find it unbelievably selfish of men who expect their wives to use hormonal contraception for years, plus pregnancy, plus termination but then refuse a vasectomy. So selfish I’m not sure I’d want to continue in the marriage with a man willing to put my health at risk.

Can he freeze sperm as well as the embryos? Surely that's belt and braces.

Why can’t you just use condoms? I don’t understand. People do still fall pregnant after the snip.

You cannot force someone to do this , why dont you go and get sterilised?

Hormonal birth control isn’t a harmless drug that’s actually safe to take. It’s a trade-off against the high risks associated with every pregnancy.

You’ve taken the risks for your joint sex life for years.

His hesitation would absolutely kill my libido.

Or he could use condoms?

The OP says her husband doesn't understand why they can't just use condoms. So obviously he wants to.
It does seem the best solution here to use them.

I don’t really think you should be forcing him to have a vasectomy when he clearly doesn’t want to go through with it

It's his body. If he doesn't want to do it, then yabvu to pressurise him. People either believe in bodily autonomy or they don't.

There are other alternatives. You could decide not to have sex. You could use condoms. You could get yourself sterilised. Whatever.

I don't think you have the right to tell him what to do with his body.

As some one who used a donor egg. I know hard it is for his brother. However they have 10 embryos that so many.
it’s not his choice. Your husband needs to put you first.

Your husband is happy to take over the contraception, and wear condoms, except you refuse and expect him to have surgery instead?
His body, absolutely his choice.

But you said he asked about condoms…. Why can’t you do that and make it his responsibility to go get them?

So you had kids easily and then terminated a pregnancy. By contrast, your SIL was only able to conceive with the help of her BIL (who you want to have get the snip) knowing this while having been through hell and back to get pregnant.

Those 10 embryos might yield 3 healthy pregnancies at best. Might. I had 5 and 4 never made it. I'm not expecting the last one remaining to work as a result of this. The level of attrition in IVF is insane, but the whole thing increased our odds of having children, so we have no regrets.

As an IVF'er myself, this whole thing has pissed me off beyond belief. If he doesn't want to get the snip, it's because he has full autonomy over his own body regardless of what you want him to do with/to it.

I'll comment no further.

Typical use effectiveness for condoms is 82%. Which means an average of 18 couples out of a hundred will get pregnant if condoms alone are used. That’s a huge risk the OP’s husband is prepared to take with her health. Unacceptably high.

Genuinely appreciate everyone’s messages, thank you for taking the time to reply.
As I mentioned, SIL is 16 weeks with baby number 2 and they already have a daughter so we’ve been able to help them have a family. Now I need us to put me and our family first. We could use condoms yes, but I just feel I’ve given a lot and put my body through a lot and would be appreciative and grateful if he took this step. Just for peace of mind and not have to think about it.

And what about whne they fail? Can't make him go get an abortion since it won't be his body impregnated. This thread is a misogynist's dream and clearly a lot of posters have no idea how ineffective condoms are in real world use.

Absolutely. I'd be feeling furious and betrayed. The onus is always on the woman isn't it. Condoms aren't 100% effective and come with their own problems for a woman (like thrush!)

OP deserves a fucking break from the hyper vigilance of trying not to get pregnant for once in her life. It's exhausting and miserable.

Why are you even argueing with your husband over his body and his choice- imagine the rage if a man was pushing a woman to make herself infertile permanently. The bigger issue for you i think is you “terminated” your child, while another woman is literally carrying your husbands children.

What if you ever get divorced and your husband wants more children with someone else? I know a guy who had a snip after being blackmailed by his wife,he did marriage fell apart wnd she went to have kids with a new guy, he in another hand- is not being even considered as a relationship material as reversal procedure has failed and every woman he dates when they find out dump him

Shes nearly in pre menopause,not exactly decades of fertile years ahead of her.

Has his brother actually said why he didn’t respond until the last moment and put your husband in this position, when he knew all along it was planned? Either way it’s not a contest and I don’t agree with people who always want to heap the responsibility onto men with the excuse that it’s easier for men or less invasive. As already stated you either believe in body autonomy or you don’t. Both sides of a couple bear equal responsibility for controlling things if they don’t want anymore children. As women we can’t just decide it’s not up to us and that only men should have procedures. Yes it’s less involved but women have surgical options too if they don’t want any more children and we can’t just decide there’s no way we would have a procedure done but expect our partners to have one. If it’s our body our choice then it’s their body their choice too. I think his brother needs to be reminded he still has 10 embryos and that he has put you both in a difficult position by not responding.

Condoms aren't 100% but neither are vasectomies? I know a family with vasectomy fail twins! They were pissed off with that.