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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want husband to have the snip?

62 replies

Brodie13 · 06/12/2025 21:51

We’re both 41 and have two kids (8 & 10). We are done having kids, we know that. I’ve always been on contraception, I’ve currently got the implant. Cycles all over the place. It’s 3 years this month so will have it taken out soon. I gave my husband Dec as a deadline to get a vasectomy months ago. He’s booked in for tomorrow!
Here’s the complication. His brother is infertile and my husband has donated his sperm to them. They have a 2 year old and another baby due in May. He told his brother he had the snip planned and to let him know if not ok. Heard nothing and so he messaged him again today to check and his brother has said they’d feel better if he waited until baby born. They still have 10 embryos. We live in Australia, they live in UK. I’m so over it, doing things for other people and not us. I accidentally fell pregnant 3 years ago and we decided to terminate, I think about it everyday and it makes me sad. I’m also constantly worried about it happening again. AIBU to be really upset if he cancels the op tomorrow?

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 08/12/2025 12:59

TrippingOverMyAssets · 08/12/2025 10:50

Has his brother actually said why he didn’t respond until the last moment and put your husband in this position, when he knew all along it was planned? Either way it’s not a contest and I don’t agree with people who always want to heap the responsibility onto men with the excuse that it’s easier for men or less invasive. As already stated you either believe in body autonomy or you don’t. Both sides of a couple bear equal responsibility for controlling things if they don’t want anymore children. As women we can’t just decide it’s not up to us and that only men should have procedures. Yes it’s less involved but women have surgical options too if they don’t want any more children and we can’t just decide there’s no way we would have a procedure done but expect our partners to have one. If it’s our body our choice then it’s their body their choice too. I think his brother needs to be reminded he still has 10 embryos and that he has put you both in a difficult position by not responding.

let’s not pretend these choices are equal or should be treated as such though.

BlueSeagull · 08/12/2025 13:12

cant really add any advice but just wanted to say what an absolute selfless and beautiful thing you have done for his brother

fndshalom · 08/12/2025 13:24

I was blissfully married in my early 40’s. Divorced a couple of years later. Life changes OP. It sounds as if it’s more you not wanting any more children full stop. So why don’t you consider sterilisation? If a man in his 40’s meets a new woman in her 30’s you can bet they’d choose to produce a child. However if you met a new partner I’m imagining you’d still not want more children.

Mydoglovescheese · 08/12/2025 13:32

You may have to consider sterilisation if your husband refuses to have the snip. However, in that case, I’d expect to be completely out of action and being pampered post op for at least 3-4 weeks. Of course, sex would be out of the question until you’re fully recovered, maybe even for months!

zoemum2006 · 08/12/2025 14:07

Can I just say you are an absolute goddess for agreeing to your husband creating a child with another woman. Absolutely selfless. Sometimes people can get really taken for granted so I hope you know you did a really generous thing.

Burntt · 08/12/2025 14:26

You can’t force him to get the snip. He can’t force you to be satisfied with the lower protection of condoms.

so you have to go without sex until one of you feels differently.

I feel some people missed the OP had to have a termination and she still thinks about they now. My personal opinion is this is such a male thing dumping all the responsibility onto a woman and he should get the vasectomy if he cared. Yes it’s sad for his brother but he’s married to OP not his brother and sister in law.

Haemagoblin · 08/12/2025 14:47

He gets to decide about his body, but you get to decide about yours. He doesn't want the snip, fine; you don't want to use hormonal contraception any more, nor will you run the risk of condoms breaking. So no more PIV until something changes. Hard to see how he could argue with that.

Haemagoblin · 08/12/2025 14:50

fndshalom · 08/12/2025 13:24

I was blissfully married in my early 40’s. Divorced a couple of years later. Life changes OP. It sounds as if it’s more you not wanting any more children full stop. So why don’t you consider sterilisation? If a man in his 40’s meets a new woman in her 30’s you can bet they’d choose to produce a child. However if you met a new partner I’m imagining you’d still not want more children.

If anything this increases the argument in favour of vasectomy, from the OP's perpective. What loving mother wants her children to have to compete with half siblings for love and attention in a 'blended family'?

TheatreMom · 08/12/2025 14:58

"I can’t really explain why I want him to have it I just do."

If you are going to try and persuade your husband to get a vasectomy (not an unreasonable request), you'd better come up with a more persuasive argument than that!

Daytimetellyqueen · 08/12/2025 15:57

BlueSeagull · 08/12/2025 13:12

cant really add any advice but just wanted to say what an absolute selfless and beautiful thing you have done for his brother

I agree. I’m actually struggling to understand how anyone agrees to this - such a massive thing to do!

hamsterchump · 08/12/2025 17:38

PeriMumEndofHerTether · 08/12/2025 10:24

Absolutely. I'd be feeling furious and betrayed. The onus is always on the woman isn't it. Condoms aren't 100% effective and come with their own problems for a woman (like thrush!)

OP deserves a fucking break from the hyper vigilance of trying not to get pregnant for once in her life. It's exhausting and miserable.

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Condoms don't increase the likelihood of thrush, in fact the reduce the risk of passing thrush between partners.

hamsterchump · 08/12/2025 17:45

Espressosummer · 08/12/2025 10:02

And what about whne they fail? Can't make him go get an abortion since it won't be his body impregnated. This thread is a misogynist's dream and clearly a lot of posters have no idea how ineffective condoms are in real world use.

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I think typical use includes those who intended to use condoms but didn't actually use them.

In 20 years of using only condoms (but using them absolutely every time with no exceptions, it became second nature very quickly and we are both very committed to being childfree so we don't "forget" even when drunk) we've had one breakage and I took emergency contraception that I bought online for £6 and keep in at all times for this purpose. I think hormonal contraception for women is so normalised that people are quite biased against condoms and see them as not something that can be used long term.

Seriously read about post vasectomy pain syndrome, I definitely wouldn't want my partner to take that risk and would (and have, when he offered to have the snip) actively discourage him against one for that reason and because condoms are so easy and convenient for us.

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