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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask daughter to move wardrobe out of son's room when he's only there one day a week

58 replies

cotswoldsblue · 06/12/2025 18:50

This is actually on behalf of my friend, she's getting stressed and I don't know what advice to give her :)

She has a 24 year old DD and a 21 year old DS. The daughter lives at home, works ( don't know if she pays rent).The son works and has moved out to live with his fiancee in their flat, but returns every Sunday night to visit.

The daughter is really into clothes and fashion and has rather a lot of clothes- her cupboard and chest of drawers are full, and as the son is only there one day a week she's moved a clothes rail into his old bedroom, which is empty six days a week most of the time.

Obviously it would be ideal if the clothes could be moved when the son comes to stay, but it's rather a lot to dismantle- there's about thirty items on the rail. The son has now put his foot down about the things being in his room when he comes to stay and is sending rather aggressive messages to the group chat swearing about the things being in there and saying 'Let me know when you've moved it for good'.

The first advice I've given to my friend is that the son should apologise for the aggressive approach, but I don't know whose side I'm on about the clothes. To see the son's point of view, it's not fair to have a rail blocking his room when he comes to stay- you can still move around the room, but he likes to read and so on in it and 'see his room' as my friend says indulgently- I personally think with a fiancee he needs to grow out of his old bedroom, but he does still use it a bit and if the daughter wants to have so many clothes she will have to get her own place. It is the daughter's home most of the time though, and without the rail (she'd have to dismantle it completely and put her dresses etc in her cupboard somehow, but currently it's full) it will be cramped for her the other six days. Friend is moving towards doing what the brother wants- AIBU to agree with her and not fight it?

OP posts:
MessageMystery · 06/12/2025 18:53

The clothes should stay, he’s moved out and has a fiancée. It’s not his room any more it’s the spare room he uses when he visits. He needs to grow up.

DonicaLewinsky · 06/12/2025 18:54

Her son has moved out, and thus pays nothing towards the household I assume? Therefore it isn't up to him to decide what the people who live in and fund the house store in there.

That said, I assume your friend is the one who owns/rents the place and so if she'd prefer DDs stuff to be in one room only, that's her decision. But she's BU to make it about someone who doesn't live there.

beAsensible1 · 06/12/2025 18:54

He does not live there. He doesn’t get to demand what goes where.

it’s not his room anymore

he needs to wind his neck in.

gogomomo2 · 06/12/2025 18:54

If he’s actually moved out and not in temporary shared housing then it’s not his room anymore, it’s the guest room but unless the daughters room is smaller she shouldn’t be using an extra room anyway, you don’t get to appropriate space unless you own the house!

CombatBarbie · 06/12/2025 18:55

But hes moved out? He stays 1 night a week, id be telling him as his mother. Whilst youll always have a bed here, unless you formally move back in and pay rent. Her clothes can stay.

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 18:55

The man's moved out.

It's not like he's just nipped off to university and will be back shortly.

She should be free to store her stuff as long as he can get into bed.

tripleginandtonic · 06/12/2025 18:56

If he stays one night a week then actually I think it's still his room and friends dd shouldn't have her stuff in there.

beAsensible1 · 06/12/2025 18:57

Does her mum want her to pay extra for using the guest room?

the issue is they keep thinking of it as his room. He’s moved out and has a fiancé fgs. Start calling it a GUEST ROOM he doesn’t have rights over the room anymore.

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 18:58

tripleginandtonic · 06/12/2025 18:56

If he stays one night a week then actually I think it's still his room and friends dd shouldn't have her stuff in there.

He's moved in with his fiancée and no longer pays rent to his mum, unlike his sister.

It's not his room anymore even if he is quite rightly welcome to stay once a week.

OtterlyMad · 06/12/2025 18:58

If the son has moved out and is not paying rent then he is being an entitled jerk.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 06/12/2025 18:59

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 18:58

He's moved in with his fiancée and no longer pays rent to his mum, unlike his sister.

It's not his room anymore even if he is quite rightly welcome to stay once a week.

Show quote history

I actually don't think she pays rent, I made a mistake- I'm not entirely sure though. Whether or not she's too old to be living there and not paying rent (which is an issue) it still is her space? Though getting a mix of answers, thanks all :)

OP posts:
Firefumes · 06/12/2025 19:00

He’s either moved out or he hasn’t. If he’s moved out, that’s not his bedroom anymore. Ridiculous for him to expect nothing will change in his ex room now he has moved out.

oviraptor21 · 06/12/2025 19:01

If your friend wants her son to keep coming round i suggest she tells the DD to move her clothes out, at least for that one day a week.
Although I would be asking the son to be more respectful.

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 19:01

cotswoldsblue · 06/12/2025 18:59

I actually don't think she pays rent, I made a mistake- I'm not entirely sure though. Whether or not she's too old to be living there and not paying rent (which is an issue) it still is her space? Though getting a mix of answers, thanks all :)

Show quote history

Well if you're going to change the info...

She hasn't moved out and he has.

So it's still not his room anymore, it's the guest room.

She should be able to store her clothes in the guest room as long as he can sleep in it one night a week.

ETA: And who on earth are you to say 'she's too old to be living there'??

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 06/12/2025 19:05

CandyCayne · 06/12/2025 19:01

Well if you're going to change the info...

She hasn't moved out and he has.

So it's still not his room anymore, it's the guest room.

She should be able to store her clothes in the guest room as long as he can sleep in it one night a week.

ETA: And who on earth are you to say 'she's too old to be living there'??

Edited
Show quote history

I don't really have any opinions on her living there and paying no rent (pretty sure she's saving for her own place) but I thought I'd get a lot of replies in that vein so just pre-empting it. I actually think the arrangement is irrelevant, she's still living there :)

OP posts:
TappyGilmore · 06/12/2025 19:06

Can’t vote because I actually think both of these young adults are completely unreasonable. Daughter can’t expect to have storage for so much stuff that she can’t even fit it in her own room - she can move out and get her own place if she needs that much space. But son can’t expect to still consider it to be “his” room when he has moved in with a partner and isn’t there more than once a week.

SheinIsShite · 06/12/2025 19:08

The daughter needs to stop buying so much shite.

TheMorgenmuffel · 06/12/2025 19:09

The son does not live there any more and should be told to pack it in.

His old room should become a guest room.
He is welcome to it when he stays over but it is not a shrine to him.

And he needs to apologise for being a twat before he's allowed to visit again.

gucciandscandal · 06/12/2025 19:10

He’s moved out it’s not his room it’s a spare room in his mums house that she can do as she likes with. If she’s happy for her daughter who lives with her to store clothes there then that’s the end of that.

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 06/12/2025 19:50

I think the mum - who actually pays for the house - should have the final say.

If neither of them is paying rent, it seems a bit odd to say that she should have more right to her room than he does to his, just because he uses his room less than she does - and, it could be viewed, exploits their mum's hospitality much less, whereas his sister takes as much as she can get and still wants more.

Presumably he also uses a lot less electricity/heating, water, food etc. than she does, or does the DD pay for her share of the food and utilities but 'just' nothing towards actual rent?

Then again, his language and aggression are 100% disgraceful - if he's abusing and threatening his sister and trying to take the moral high ground because she's effectively grifting their mum more than him, even though he is very much grifting her too.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 06/12/2025 19:52

Is the tie breaker if she's paying rent or not then? I don't really think that's an angle I want to ask my friend about as it sounds a bit accusatory- I know she pays for her own food, but I suspect she may not do rent/bills as she's saving hard for a flat. Heating's on a timer for the whole family.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 06/12/2025 19:53

He's still there one night a week. It's his room.

Did the daughter ask her brother if it was ok to use his room as her spillover storage?

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 06/12/2025 19:55

outerspacepotato · 06/12/2025 19:53

He's still there one night a week. It's his room.

Did the daughter ask her brother if it was ok to use his room as her spillover storage?

He has a flat with a fiancee though, and this is the daughter's main home. The flat is a lot smaller than the family home. Good to hear a perspective that's solidly brother's side though!

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 06/12/2025 20:01

21 and engaged? That's very young nowadays.

Yet he still "rules the roost" at his parental home?

He should grow up before getting married. He can't go around telling other people how to live their life.

pity his fiancee

5128gap · 06/12/2025 20:05

Sounds like your friend isn't taking the moving out thing very seriously. She's acting as though he still lives at home and just stays at his GFs a lot and/or its possibly a temporary thing and he'll move back. Which tbf, would be typical of his age group and is greatly reinforced by his own attitude.
Whether your friend feels this way for good reason, or due to failure to accept he's really moved out, who knows. Fact is, until its accepted he's gone for good that room is going to be seen as her sons and I doubt we, you or her DD are going to change that.
A rail on wheels that could be wheeled into DDs room might help.

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