To ask daughter to move wardrobe out of son's room when he's only there one day a week

[cotswoldsblue]

This is actually on behalf of my friend, she's getting stressed and I don't know what advice to give her :)

She has a 24 year old DD and a 21 year old DS. The daughter lives at home, works ( don't know if she pays rent).The son works and has moved out to live with his fiancee in their flat, but returns every Sunday night to visit.

The daughter is really into clothes and fashion and has rather a lot of clothes- her cupboard and chest of drawers are full, and as the son is only there one day a week she's moved a clothes rail into his old bedroom, which is empty six days a week most of the time.

Obviously it would be ideal if the clothes could be moved when the son comes to stay, but it's rather a lot to dismantle- there's about thirty items on the rail. The son has now put his foot down about the things being in his room when he comes to stay and is sending rather aggressive messages to the group chat swearing about the things being in there and saying 'Let me know when you've moved it for good'.

The first advice I've given to my friend is that the son should apologise for the aggressive approach, but I don't know whose side I'm on about the clothes. To see the son's point of view, it's not fair to have a rail blocking his room when he comes to stay- you can still move around the room, but he likes to read and so on in it and 'see his room' as my friend says indulgently- I personally think with a fiancee he needs to grow out of his old bedroom, but he does still use it a bit and if the daughter wants to have so many clothes she will have to get her own place. It is the daughter's home most of the time though, and without the rail (she'd have to dismantle it completely and put her dresses etc in her cupboard somehow, but currently it's full) it will be cramped for her the other six days. Friend is moving towards doing what the brother wants- AIBU to agree with her and not fight it?

I think if they are both adults continuing to see their mother's home as their family home, they should each have equal rights to their space in the home. I don't see why the daughter should get to have rights over her room and the brother's. If the brother's room has more storage space and she is there full- time while he is only there once a week they should switch the rooms around. Or if not, figure out how to add extra storage to her room that doesn't inconvenience other family members. Or operate a 1 in 1 out policy on new clothes.

They are both preventing the mum use the space as a guest room, him by using it as "his" room once a week and her by filling it up with her things.

Does the son still store his clothes there if he is only there once a week or does he bring an overnight bag? Can the daughter not use his wardrobe space and leave him a shelf/few hangers without encroaching into the room?

Or vacuum pack out of season clothes and store them in a loft space?

Sharing spaces with people means compromising.

I think that at 24 the dd needs to figure out how to move out. That way she can fill as much spaces as she likes with clothes. Meantime she needs to downsize her collection so that it fits in her own room.

They're childhood sweethearts (since 16) so don't think there's any doubt about the longevity of the relationship. The rail is too heavy for a slight woman to wheel, it has too many clothes on it. I imagine some could be removed just for the wheeling process, but it seems a lot of fuss for one day a week. Then again why does the DD have the right to spread out like this.. but it is her home!

Daughter is being a bit entitled spilling over into wherever she likes, but otoh son really needs to 'shit or get off the proverbial pot' with regard to moving on to the next stage of life.

21 is no age at all, but now DH and I were living together at that age. I would've looked at him very oddly indeed if he was going home on his own to stay with his mum once a week (particularly if they haven't moved far). It doesn't suggest someone who's ready for marriage.

They're west of the city versus east of the city, about a 50 minute journey. I don't think the visits are compulsory, just dropping in to say hi

Can the clothes rail be screened off in some way as a compromise? 21 is quite young to be moved out with a fiancee, so I can see why he would want to feel like he still has his own space to fall back on. If the daughter's clothes can't all comfortably fit into standard bedroom furniture, this could be a problem when she finally does move out. Could she afford to rent/buy a house with an extra room just to store clothes in? I think the Mum should speak to her about downsizing her collection. She could vacuum storage out of season clothes to take up less space etc.

It's also the comfort factor as well I think- it he says it's too hot as well with the rail of clothes, but that could just be a ploy to get them definitely moved out

Is the daughter’s room generally big enough? Does she access the clothes on the rail when brother is there? Can the brother sit and read and chill in his room or genuinely is the clothes tail in the way?

presumably there used to be a wardrobe in there so can the sisters clothes not go in the brothers old wardrobe. Therefore not being in the way when he’s home. But also sister should move out anything she needs and not need to go in there when he’s home.

they’re both young and I think having a room at home to feel safe is important.

Is there a wardrobe in the sons old room that the clothes can go into rather than having a clothes rail
in the bedroom. He has moved out, I don’t think he really gets to say what can and cannot go in the bedroom.

Wardrobe is full of family stuff, like sleeping bags, camping gear etc. The brother's not there enough to need any clothes, so he just brings an overnight bag.

The daughter gets up before the brother for work so she makes sure the clothes she needs from the rail (smart shirts etc, her own wardrobe is small and the one rail is taken up by two coats and some party dresses) are laid out temporarily on the top of her dresser before he goes to sleep. I've stayed there a lot and she's moaned about him turning up on random nights sometimes and going to his room at 8pm so she can't access her rail haha

He can sit and read in his room on the bed, but the main view alongside it is of the clothes rail which can't be that great.

After reading that - it doesn't matter in the scheme of things of course - but there's no way that this is "your friend". I never believe the "asking for a friend" posts.

It's no longer his main residence so I'd say he's being unreasonable. Whether the daughter pays rent or not is irrelevant - it's still where she lives full time and she needs hanging space ( though she could have a clear out?).

However the son is rather young (by today's standards) to have moved out permanently, so it seems odd that a 21 year old doesn't have a room at "home" where he can keep stuff and use when he likes. If he's seriously going to get married, that would be different, but if they're likely to call it off (being so young), I can see why he'd still feel the need to call it his own room.

Friend needs to make their mind up - it's their home and family!

I'd suggest that your 'friend' downsizes and moves to somewhere where the spare room is just that and not an additional storage space for those who don't actually live there.

Who needs two rooms to store their clothes? It’s ridiculous, regardless of the brother needing the room or not. She needs to declutter a f keep her clothes in her room.

The brother should have the room one day a week. It’s his room. Will your friend be happy with her DS not coming to visit anymore?

He can sit and read in his room on the bed,

What's the point of him visiting if he's just spending time in his room?

Can't the 'family stuff' be cleared out of the wardrobe and stored in the loft or somewhere so DD can use the wardrobe? How often is it used, now the children are grown up?

where was it stored when ds lived there?

If the son has moved out then it’s the guest room. That doesn’t make it the daughter’s second room- it’s up to your friend what happens in her own house. Which room is bigger?

I don't think the posts about it being me rather than a 'friend' are that relevant- it honestly is a family friend and the reason why I know the house so intimately is because the DD is a little younger than me and I hang out in her room sometimes/have grown up with it. She's an acquaintance rather than a friend.

There's already a guest room that I stay in that's more done up than this room- I doubt if there was more than one guest they'd have to put up with the rail, it would be moved, but I think that's rare. Not sure about a loft. With regards to the wardrobe, I haven't looked in it a lot as I rarely go/have been in the brother's room, just pass the rail. He may just have stored his clothes in there as well as there weren't that many?

DS and DD rooms are about the same size. She used to just pile her clothes on hangers in her wardrobe but they've grown in number since she was a teen. :)

This story is crazy.

The brother doesn’t live there and doesn’t pay rent, therefore he doesn’t have any say on the rail.

Whether or not the daughter puts her clothes in there is up to the mother. Whether or not she pays extra for the use of the spare room is up to the mother (though this seems bananas, as if her daughter has become a lodger instead of a member of her family.)

I see a lot of threads with “just get a job”, “needs to move out” - both incredibly difficult in this day and age, no “just” about it anymore. If the daughter is single, she may be in that house for several more years until she’s in a position to buy. It’s much better to avoid renting if she can.

It’s still a family house though and although he’s not in there full time it can’t be great to have his childhood bedroom which he comes to once a week taken up by a clothes rail with many items.

But he’s getting married and has moved out, he needs to get over it being his bedroom..

But if this really is a friend you're talking about, why are you involving yourself over this very dull 'problem' in such amazing detail?

She's a grown woman, she can work it out 🤷‍♀️

You must have plenty of your own problems to spend all this energy on.

Why can’t the son stay in the guest room if you say there’s another one that’s more pleasant? Then he wouldn’t have to put up with the rail and the clothes. It sounds as though his room has become a general storage area if the wardrobe is full of all sorts of family stuff. I can understand why he wouldn’t enjoy staying there. I’m sure his mother enjoys seeing him each week and wouldn’t want to stop him from visiting. But if the daughter genuinely has to have all those clothes then why oh why isn’t he using the other room when he visits?

Why can’t DD’s rail go in the guest room? Or the camping stuff go in the guest room and her clothes in the wardrobe in DS’s old room? Or if her room same size as DS’s, why isn’t rail in there (or she buys bigger wardrobe for her room?). If DS was only occasional visitor, or if there wasn’t an alternative location for clothes then current arrangement ok but in circumstances I think reasonable to find alternative solution. But DS doesn’t have a right to dictate what happens and a bit of me would want to leave it there given his attitude whereas if he’d politely mentioned it wasn’t ideal I’d be a bit more accommodating.

I agree with this.

Exactly this. Your friend needs to get a grip on both of them, her DS for his manner of communicating, and her DD for moving her additional clothes into another room without permission.

I’d demand DS apologises, make it clear that it’s a guest room, but insist DD manages with the space she has. Or moves out. I wouldn’t have a guest blocked by a clothes rail.

When my DS moved out I totally gutted the room to rebrand it a spare room. No more masculine colours, painted and furnished with nice warm neutrals and a dash of pink!

DS is always welcome to stay but it's no longer his room.

I wouldn't be letting DD take it over with clutter either though. If she needs that much space, she needs her own house.