To ask daughter to move wardrobe out of son's room when he's only there one day a week

[cotswoldsblue]

This is actually on behalf of my friend, she's getting stressed and I don't know what advice to give her :)

She has a 24 year old DD and a 21 year old DS. The daughter lives at home, works ( don't know if she pays rent).The son works and has moved out to live with his fiancee in their flat, but returns every Sunday night to visit.

The daughter is really into clothes and fashion and has rather a lot of clothes- her cupboard and chest of drawers are full, and as the son is only there one day a week she's moved a clothes rail into his old bedroom, which is empty six days a week most of the time.

Obviously it would be ideal if the clothes could be moved when the son comes to stay, but it's rather a lot to dismantle- there's about thirty items on the rail. The son has now put his foot down about the things being in his room when he comes to stay and is sending rather aggressive messages to the group chat swearing about the things being in there and saying 'Let me know when you've moved it for good'.

The first advice I've given to my friend is that the son should apologise for the aggressive approach, but I don't know whose side I'm on about the clothes. To see the son's point of view, it's not fair to have a rail blocking his room when he comes to stay- you can still move around the room, but he likes to read and so on in it and 'see his room' as my friend says indulgently- I personally think with a fiancee he needs to grow out of his old bedroom, but he does still use it a bit and if the daughter wants to have so many clothes she will have to get her own place. It is the daughter's home most of the time though, and without the rail (she'd have to dismantle it completely and put her dresses etc in her cupboard somehow, but currently it's full) it will be cramped for her the other six days. Friend is moving towards doing what the brother wants- AIBU to agree with her and not fight it?

The son has moved out, coming back to stay one night a week does not mean he still lives there and gets to dictate what is in "his room". It's now a guest room, he is welcome to stay in the guest room when he would like but he can't tell the owner of the house what furniture can be in there.

If I were his mum I'd tell him to stop being such a disrespectful little brat having tantrums worthy of a toddler.

I've stayed there a lot and she's moaned about him turning up on random nights sometimes and going to his room at 8pm so she can't access her rail haha
this is shit, and decides it for me- basically she’s having a moan because her brother stays. I’d tell her sharply I support her to live here and if her brother stays here once a week or month then she can deal with it graciously because it’s my house, and the next round of moaning ill be putting her clothes in a bin bag. It’s not his fault she can’t fit her things in her own room and she does not get to object to him being a guest in the home and needs to have some respect that it’s her mums house.

He sounds like a rude, bullying arsehole tbh. Of course the wardrobe can just stay.

And the girl can stay out of the room when her brother visits. It's really not a problem of any kind unless your friend chooses to be a doormat.

The vast majority of threads and posts on MN aren't really of groundbreaking importance.

You could dismiss every single thread on the Style & Beauty board by saying "As long as it's warm enough and covers what it needs to, it really doesn't matter what you wear"; or the TV board with "It's just ephemeral entertainment - you don't need to analyse it".

People like to discuss the more pedestrian aspects of life - including those affecting other people and thinking about what they would do in thar situation - as well as the big life-changing aspects that directly affect them in a big way.

If there's no point in caring about somebody else's issues when you aren't involved, why even have any threads on here in the first place where the OP is asking strangers to respond and get involved?!

He's either moved out or he hasn't. Engaged with his own flat and coming back to mums every week to moan about a clothes rail is very immature.
Homes need to work for those who actually live in them.

There are two issues:

1. The son doesn't get to call it "his room". He has moved out, it is a guest room.

1. The daughter shouldn't be turning the mum's guest room into an uncomfortable space for guests. That doesn't mean she can't store her clothes there, but they should be stored in such a way that guests don't notice them/ the room is still peaceful. Maybe a chest of drawers or an enclosed wardrobe.

ETA even though i keep typing "2" as soon as I post it defaults the numbering to "1"!

I know it's not the same, as these are (young) adults and not children anymore; but this situation does make me think a lot about all of the blended families threads, where people are often keen to dismiss the needs of kids who are only there for one or two days a week, and so it's considered to be 'a waste' of a room to reserve it as exclusively theirs.

The result often turns out to be that they stop coming at all as soon as they're old enough.

I think that, if you have a room still designated as belonging to one of your children and their own familiar refuge - even if they have ticked over into adulthood and aren't there for a lot of the time - it should be definitely theirs. Fair enough if you 'borrow' it when you know they definitely aren't around - to do some ironing, sort out bags for the charity shop, build flat-pack furniture or whatever - but you need to make sure that you've properly vacated it before they turn up.

If the mum is honest about it and tells her DS that he can no longer have a room there because his sister wants two rooms - albeit he can go and hang out/sleep over occasionally in amongst her stuff in one of them, how does that come across to anybody listening honestly?

If you say that he doesn't need A room because he's largely moved out, how does it follow that she needs TWO rooms, just because she does still live there in her mum's home (and not paying rent)? It's their mum's house - she pays for it - and she doesn't even have two exclusive bedrooms for all of her own clothes and personal stuff!

Obviously the son is being unreasonable in his aggressiveness. However, I can see his point. When I visit my Mum's house there's no room in the wardrobe or chest of drawers in the guest room because it's full of her clothes even though she has a walk in wardrobe in her own room. I don't complain to her about it but I do think she should have a clearout so that her visitors have somewhere to store their clothes.

Anyway, why doesn't the daughter have enough space, does she have too many clothes or does she have too small a room and the rooms should be rejigged so she gets more space? Maybe the son's room needs redecorating so that it's clearly a guest room and when that is done there should be better storage for the daughter's clothing.