Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

Stuff like this is probably why my partner and my brother both ensure they book the day off work for their birthdays every year

surely you don’t think it’s ok to speak to people like that?

If they’d asked once I’d agree with you but they challenged me multiple times. It’s my car, my property, bought with my money. At some point you become the fool for entertaining it.

Would you walk into someone’s house and challenge the host on where you can eat your lunch over and over again?

Hat off to you OP. I hate people who try to railroad me too.

I think walking out might have been a bit ott. But I guess it wasn't going to be a relaxed meal after the argument.
I totally get the car thing and keeping it clean. Especially when you've worked hard to get the one you want.
I do have children. But my car is clean inside. I just think my car is an extension of myself.

I think this was a planned wind up that backfired when OP maintained her standards. Bravo OP.

Friends that are happy to trample over your boundaries, wants and needs, aren’t really friends .

@NevsI think Jane was thoughtless at best as she wanted to sit in your nice car, but hadn’t thought through the consequence of this. This is a generous take.

However, the way she and your colleagues handled it was not on. I am in awe of you getting up and leaving and aspire to be more like you.

Well it all sounds like a Victoria Wood sketch.

I’ll be joining you on that next year 😂

Crumbs (appropriately), that's a bit extreme! Do people really think like that?

Yep, exactly. She wanted to be left alone with her food in OP’s car. I’m willing to bet that OP would have found a mess when she came back, like crumbs all over or smears of sauce on the leather.

I’d be giving them a wide berth from now on. Petty, spiteful weirdos, the lot of them. And clearly jealous about you buying your car but MN hates it when you point out jealousy.

I'd have stayed and just got on with lunch but it seems that is because I am a people-pleaser. I kind of admire your 'ballsyness'.

I think the colleague is weird to expect you to leave her with your keys while she eats in your car.

i think she wanted to see how far she could go we’re it’s her anctics. I’d be fuming, even in my much older car. She’s taken the mickey and although yiu feel uncomfortable with how yiu responded, she was thoroughly unreasonable. Perhaps you could make the coffeees and try to smooth it over? She really is is p@@ taker.

Very true. Stuff everyone else’s needs eh? As long as your car is clean.

Self centred for asserting boundaries and snapping when challenged on them repeatedly by a group. Okay.

Safe to say you’re easy to walk over in life.

Yes your car your rules. Your colleague is an oddball for coming out for lunch in a restaurant when she had no intention of eating in the restaurant anyway, unless it’s become as much of an obligation outing at this point as it has for you?

I think it would have been better if you had turned it round to laughing at the absurdity of someone coming to a meal out with a packed lunch and thinking you were the unreasonable one, but you were already wound up and can’t turn back time. I would go in next week and act as if none of it happened, you can keep to work-relevant interactions if that’s how you do it. Perhaps have something dismissive up your sleeve if it gets brought up, like you found the situation weird, and seeing as you’re swamped at the moment you felt you were better off getting back to it than having a pointless argument about Jane’s packed lunch.

I think you are totally within your rights to say "no Jane, you can't eat your lunch in my car"

I think I'd have felt 'ganged up on' with Jane and others going on about how unreasonable you were.

Surely there was some side dish that Jane could have ordered that fits with her diet or just wait until back at the office?

Walking out is extreme and not sure how you all come back from that apart from.saying '"6 of one, half a dozen of the other, let's move forward."

This is what I think too, almost seems like the others put lunchbox lady up to it to push OPs buttons.

We are all accountable for our behaviour.

As I clearly stated in my post, you weren't un reasonable for refusing to let her eat in your car but that little display afterwards?

A tantrum, basically.

It could have been laughed off but no. You withstood a whole 30 seconds of awkward silence then you flounced off.

That's not boundary setting, that's acting like a knob.

And no - I'm no push over. It's perfectly doable to stand your ground and not throw a paddy.

I'm an absolute slob, my car doesn't need cleaning, it needs mucking out. A good number of my friends and colleagues are the same. I once spent a work journey sharing a seat with a Jack Russell who seemed to be trying to shed his own weight in hair.

You were absolutely not unreasonable. She was unreasonable to think she could randomly eat a packed lunch in anyone's car, let alone the person with a new (and very posh and expensive, go you!) car that is a self confessed neat freak.

Do you think they're a bit jealous of you having bought something that would be completely out of reach for a lot of people, and wanted to 'take you down a peg or two' / take the shine off it a bit? It rather feels like that to me, with the keeping pushing it and the others not letting it go either.

If I'd been in that group and she'd announced you hadn't let her eat in the car, my response wouldn't have been 'Nev, as if you didn't let her eat!' it would have been 'Jane are you nuts, of course you can't eat in her new car!'

they were being cunts and you were being you.

I agree with you: i have a scabby second hand car, but nobody gets to eat or drink in it. And i, too, don't let people harrangue me. Especially not on my birthday, so i think you made your point. The only thing you might have done better/differently would have been to say to Emma "give her your keys she can eat in your car then"

Happy belated birthday! don't mention it again and if any of them bring it up, don't say anything, just look at them expectantly, then change the subject or carry on with some work. Deffo don't take cake or apologise.

Jane had options. Multiple options in fact, whereas OP is a self confessed clean freak which her colleagues KNOW!! Would you bring your pet tarantula to lunch with an arachnophobe?

I think people are like that. Jealousy over the car as me wanting to see a reaction from a ‘clean freak’ so to speak , when she’s see mess in her much loved car. Some people are really horrid.

It's her car. The one she has worked and paid for.

To demand to eat in it is as disrespectful as refusing to take off muddy walking boots to come into somebody's house that has brand new cream carpet, to break a bit off a wedding cake for a snack before the ceremony, to balance a glass of red wine on the arm of a brand new sofa, to 'borrow' a brand new shirt and wear it whilst decorating.